Really confused, not sure if I want a divorce or not but not happy.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Have been married to DH for nearly 10 years and have a 9yo dd. Something happened the other day which made me start a thread on AIBU.

THREAD

Anyway its really got me thinking about how crap our relationship is. We don't do anything together, he shows me no affection, is often barely civil to me, don't go out, don't have sex, don't go on holiday together.

He was been arsey with me this morning. I asked DD to put her bowl by the sink and she stroppily answered back that she was getting dressed. I told her off for her tone of voice and he starts backing her up saying "well she is getting dressed". Then later he came racing downstairs and barged into the front room shouting at me. I'd turned the hoover on and for some reason he thought I was hoovering up dog poo (the dog had pooed on the carpet but I'd already cleared that up). Rather than apologise he accused me of having hoovered up dog poo previously - which I haven't. He was really ranting.

Anyway I've looked up a few solicitors today and also trying to work out how much I'd be likely to be entitled to in a divorce. Wikivorce seems to think it would be a 70/30 asset split in my favour which was a suprise, I just thought it was 50/50.

What do people do with regards to where they live when they're divorcing, is he likely to move out? I know I can't make him move out as the house is in both names but the thought of having to live with him while divorcing is terrible.

But a couple of things are putting me off divorce, I worry about the effect on DD. But then as someone pointed out on the other thread I'm not giving her a good example of what relationships are all about. And now this afternoon he is being all sweetness and light and suggesting we go out for dinner (it'll be the first time we've been out in over a year). When he's like this he's really nice, I just don't underatand why he cna't be like this before. He won't go to counselling, I told him a few years ago that I was unhappy and he wouldn't go. But then he did seem better for a couple of months but soon reverted back to being his usual grumpy, controlling, shouty self.

Any advice please?

You would be entitled to a share of his savings, so you may like to try and find out where they are stashed.

I hope all works out for you.

I really feel the over reliance on therapy to salvage crap relationships has to stop.

You dont need therapy, you need to get shot of this tosser. Sorry to be blunt, but honest to god, what is the point in staying one more minute? Separate holidays, no sex, no affection, split finances and attitude problems.

My sister is going through this and also couldnt cope living together waiting for divorce. He husband moved into the child's bedroom with his stash of porn and beers and it was a nightmare. She (illegally) changed the locks when he was working away and dumped his stuff at his parents. If he had came back she would have had to let him in, but he accepted it. Might be worth a try if he wont find somewhere else.

Let go and live the life you and your daughter deserve. These kind of men dont know how to be happy, its the mean streak.

Thanks.

Perfumedlife - I think you're right that therapy is overated. I feel I'd be a lot happier single. I have this nice image of having my own little house for me and dd where I don't have to live on eggshells, etc. I'd be quite happy locking the door in the evening and being a little hermit with a pile of books and some DVDs!

DH is going away for a month in Nov so think I'll wait till after then and see how I', feeling. I know it sounds a bit silly but I want to see how I feel after 4 weeks on my own and just make sure that for some stupid reason I don't start missing him. Not that I imagine I would.

I think thats an excellent idea. Give yourself time to find out more legal stuff too. But if i were you i would limber up for the new life by standing up to this rude man when he undermines you, good practice for your new, improved life.

Well he's just told me that he's worried about redundancy at work, which may explain the recent increase in arsiness I suppose.

I'm also guessing if he's not earning and we do divorce then I would get no maintanence.

Well, if he is made redundant when you are still together, its the same problem, lack of money. Even more controlling on your spending.

Surely he has been worried for more than one night? And yet he didnt mention this before you booked the holiday for you and dd.

And whats the point of a marriage if he is not going to confide and share. I would want to know how long the redundancy threat has been known.