I just need a break once in a while, but have no-one apart from DP, help!!! :(

[michelle89]

hey, since i got with my fiance 2years ago, it seems like everyone is against us. we've both lost 3/4 of our mates, hes lost his because they've tried splitting us up and making up rumours. iv lost mine because my so called mate tried it on with him and everyone seem to have took her side and fallen out with me, the mates i do have live too far away and dont seem to want to talk to me either.

me and my fiance moved out of our parents house a year ago and we have a 7month old son together, now we live near enough the center of our city. my mum and dad live no more then 5miles away, my mum and dad have a car yet my mum says we live to far away for them to come to see us often.

iv never had a good relationship with my family, my dad controls my mum, my dad wanted me to grow up how he wanted me to but instead i went my own way and became my own person which he did not like. when my parents do actually come to my house and my mum goes out for a cigarette me and my dad dont talk, it falls silent. my mum and dad both make me feel down about my self, my dad had ago at me about having cats, he said the cat will sit on my sons face in his cot and kill him. my mum outright told my antinatal teacher that she didnt want us to move more then down the road from her because she had postnatal depression so im obviously going to get it. we asked my mum to baby sit so we could go out for our 2year aniversery, we was 10minutes late and she had a massive go at us and she didnt talk to us for like 2weeks.

when i used to go to my antinatal classes, it was for young mums as i was 19 at the time, i felt so out of place and uncomfortable, everyone had mates there, and i had no-one, i hated going. i dont really want to go to mother and baby groups, i guess im scared ill feel uncomfortable again, iv told my DP ill only go if he comes with me. i dont make friends easy because of what happened with my mates and i got bullied badly in school, i just hate social situations now :(

my DP worked 6days a week but cut his hours down to 3days a week to spend more time with us, but we never get any time away from our son, we have no one to baby sit, im not close to my family, my DP doesnt have much family, his mum is disabled and an alcoholic. my fiance gets out the house by going to work but im stuck with my son 24/7 if we go out we take him with us, i dont get a break at all! its getting me really down, especially as i have an attention seeking son, if i dont show him attention he screams, it drains me of energy, i just need a break!! help!

I don't know if this is possible, but could you put your little in a nursery for one morning a week, if the finances stretched to it? The nursery my little one goes to (nearly four now) has spaces for babies, they are really meticulous about staffing ratios, cleanliness etc and it costs around £20 per half day.

That £20, if you could find it, would be worth a huge amount for your sanity and you must ring fence it as your time.

Also it would be great for your little one to learn to be with someone who isn't mummy.

Perhaps there is a childminder with a gap for one half day or something that would be less expensive? Also you could perhaps ask your Health Visitor who may have more ideas.

I hope this helps.

Oh poor you. You sound at the end of your tether! Some suggestions: short term - if you need a break will your DP have your son for a couple of hours on his days off so you can get out? I had a pedicure on my own the other day and felt like a new woman after an hr of child free pampering!

In the longer term you need to think about what you want and how to get it. You obviously can't rely on parents or old mates so you to need to meet new people. Are you planning to go backto work at all? If not (and probably even if you are) you need to think about biting the bullet and going to some gps. Maybe start with things like swimming or rhyme time where you aren't under pressure to chat but the opportunities are there. Set yourself the goal of talking to one new person each time.

Have you tried talking to your HV? She may be able to put you in contact with other mums she thinks you'll get on with.

It also might be good to try something non child related - lots of leisure centres have a creche then you can go to a class or have a swim yourself.

I believe (although not sure) that some childminders may take children for one off sessions maybe an afternoon a month or something so you and DP can get out together I think the sure start centres have lists of ofsted inspected child minders?

These are just some ideas, hope it helps. Good luck!

i know you are worried about toddler groups, but honestly, have look for one. Even if you just sit and have a cup of tea, and watch your baby you will be getting out.

This could lead to a freindship or two, becuase as your child gets older it would be great for you to have someone to share experiences with.

I was very isolated, living in a village where i saw noone for 2 yrs. I made myself go to a few groups, i took the bus into town to do this.

I found them ok, but i did manage to forge 2 friendships which i still have now, even tho dd is now 8. It's hard, when you become a mum, and you almost expect everyone to be there for you, and then they don't. I remember it well.

xx

Even if you can't afford nursery then maybe find out if any of the nursery staff do babysitting (they often do, although I don't know if they would do it for non-nursery children). You might be able to get a nice member of staff to babysit for a couple of hours one evening or saturday afternoon so you can get out together.

Do you ever leave your DS with your DP while you go out? What do you like to do? You could find an exercise class, go to the hairdressers, whatever just something that you can do on your own that makes you feel like you.

Also I found music groups easier than toddler groups. You go, sing and play with your baby and then you can leave. It is less interaction with others but you are still getting out of the house and doing something different. For me, it meant that after a few weeks I could start saying 'hi' to people and then a few weeks after that actually chat to them. If you arrive as it starts then you can just slip in at the back! (Can you tell I'm socially inept?! )

Check if there is a Sure Start in your area. They are brilliant, providing mother and toddler groups and taking children below the age of 2 for 2 mornings a week and children of 2 for 5 mornings a week.

Hi michelle - I'm a young mum too (20 when I had DS - he's nearly 2 now) and also found that a lot of my friends had gone off to uni or just sort of moved away from me generally at the time when I was pregnant. It's very isolating and it's a daunting thought to have to make friends all over again, but you will get there, I promise.

I also moved straight out of home to live with my partner and looking back, it was a mistake - I was so caught up with the baby and the new relationship and all the excitement of that that I forgot to do anything for myself, and that part of me sort of withered away a bit.

I know it's hard with a little baby, especially one who cries a lot. Have you tried using a sling? I found mine a lifesaver as I could actually get things done without having to put him down (you can get ones which don't hurt your back)

I've never found "young mums" groups to be that helpful. I always found them cliquey, the other mums would laugh at the fact I was breastfeeding etc. TBH I know this sounds horrible but everybody there seemed really immature. I started going to other groups at the children's centre and made some friends that way though. Why don't you go along to your nearest one and see if they do any music groups etc? I didn't talk to anybody at first but I made friends after going a few times. The staff were always really friendly and made me feel welcome, they didn't leave me sitting on my own etc.

Is there anything you used to do before you got with your boyfriend/got pregnant which you don't do much any more? Would you like to go back into education at all, perhaps a part time course at college - anything you are interested in? Art? Mechanics? Hairdressing? Fashion Design? Animal care? Music? Sports? Teaching? I know you said that you didn't like school, but college is really different, because everyone who is there actually wants to be there and is interested in the subject, so there is less messing around and you are more likely to share interests etc with the people on your course. I hated school and had no friends, but I loved college and wish I could go back!

I'd be interested to hear what rumours his friends were starting. It seems odd that he has fallen out with all of them. Why were they trying to split you up? Also, what happened with your friend - who did you hear it from, and why did everybody take her side? Did she say that he had come on to her?

hi BertieBotts thanks for your advice, i was at college when i fell pregnant (planned) iv done to college courses to do with childcare, one i finished, the last one i had to drop because of pregnancy, i found all the girls at both courses very bitchy :( i got bullied on the first course and everyone turned against me the second :(
i have no idea why my DP's friends were trying to split us up, they kept saying that my DP was cheating on me, seeing his ex, been meeting girls in town etc. and my friend - i found txts on my DPs phone, both of them flirting with each other, she kept asking to meet him for sex, saying does she get a kiss as well as a cuddle. two of my mates new what she was doing and didnt tell me. when i went back to college to show DS off one of my friends totally blanked me and the other was bitchin about me and bitchin about her then being totally nice to us.
im not sure what i want to do in the future, im looking at college courses but none really interest me. im going to look at music groups and other groups also..