Is it my fault?

[Bunkups33]

Dh and I have been married 8 years and got 3 dcs. We have what I think is a fantastic relationship but suddenly we are in a difficult place and talking is just not getting us out of it. He suffers a lot with low self-esteem and there are loads of reasons for this to do with highly toxic parents.

I really think his mum has NPD and she has a way of making everything someone else's fault. He's had some counselling over the last 10 years or so (finished about 5 years ago) but we seem to have reached a crisis.

Whenever he gets down and struggles with his self-esteem he reminds me that he's always asking for 'strokes' and needs me to big him up and tell him he's doing ok. Now I try and do this but find it really hard as it sounds so forced and fake but I do make an effort. He just can't understand why I don't do this more. I come form a very unemotional family and we are all very self-sufficient and never really lean on each other in this way so it does not come naturally.

Also around 90% of the time he carries on through life absolutely fine and confident and happy and then something comes up that he finds hard to deal with and then he gets really annoyed and disappointed with me for not realising he needs more strokes. Usually we talk and talk and get to the bottom of it and happily move on but not this time.

He seems to think that if I bigged him up more and told him how great he is more often he'd be ok. I don't see it like this and feel like he has some deep seated issues which cannot be blamed on me. When he's going through this he is constantly annoyed or angry with me and I really feel like he takes it out on me. Sometimes he actually admits to doing this (something his mum did and still does to his dad) but other times he seems to think it's my fault for being distant.

I am trying to get him to agree to couples counselling as I am clearly not giving him what he needs and I am sick of tiptoeing around so as not to cause him to be angry with me/ blame me.

Does this make any sense? Am I right that he needs to sort this himself? Would he be better having counselling on his own? I just don't know how to move forward but I am really struggling to keep on top of things. Thanks

It sounds as though when he has these low self-esteem episodes that he is relying heavily on you to pull him out of it, and you struggle (understandably) with this. So it seems like what could help is if he could gain some coping strategies of his own to use during these times rather than relying on you so much - it's almost like if he is relying on you then the responsibility is not his and therefore he can blame you when it goes wrong, which is going to put a strain on any relationship.

As long as you are not putting him down or being overly critical yourself (which I don't get the feeling from your post that you are) then no, it isn't your fault at all, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.

I think that he probably would benefit from counselling, although you say he has already had counselling so perhaps something slightly different like psychotherapy, (which is more than counselling in that it will pull up on issues directly rather than just being a safe space to express feelings and work things through verbally) or maybe something like CBT would be good? He needs some tools to help him cope with his down periods so that he is not relying so heavily on you, basically.

Yes, you're right, he needs to sort himself out. His issues are his responsibility. "Stroking" is nice but he shouldn't have to depend on being validated by someone else.
As for expecting you to read his mind and know when he wants it, that's completely unreasonable. That expectation, and being angry when you don't meet it, sound a bit NPDish themselves, tbh. Don't like the sound of you walking on eggshells, either.

Thanks Bertie. I certainly feel like he has to be able to get himself out of it and it seems obvious now that making it my fault is a trick he learned as a kid and it's not going to get us anywhere.

I will look into CBT as I don't know what it is.

His Mother is a bastard to him? So he scurries away and hides? Then he takes it out on you? By saying you don't boost his ego enough? Fucking dweeboid.

Tell him to suck it up and go back to the root of the problem, his family. Deal with them - the cause - not ponce about blaming people who have nothing to do with his poor little frailties. Strokes?

Jesus, is Friday bringing out the limp in everyone?

At no point in reading that did i think you had a fantastic relationship. It sounds bloody awful, Strokes!! For fuck sake, he has got you demented and talking therapyspeak.

The guy needs you to big him up
No, he needs to grow up, stop blaming mummy and grow a pair. Frankly i am sick reading about bad parents and bloody therapy. Lifes hard, deal with it.

Oh dear , this doesnt sound good at all.

I dont like this walking on egg shells and in particular this stroking thing, he sounds like a demanding pet. You say it feels forced , well, it is , isnt it , and the problem here is that he doesnt care whether you like stroking him or not, as long as you do it, or he,ll get angry. Theres something horrible about that , he thinks his feelings are more important than yours. Is he demanding in other areas at all ?

He does sound rather npd himself to be honest, im afraid i couldnt tolerate someone suckling at my titty in this fashion . When did you agree to be responsible for his emotional wellbeing , how is it your job to have him feed off you like this. What happens when you are low or fed up , in what way does he support you ?

Demanding affection isnt on , sorry, to me he just sounds like a manipulative bully.

Sounds exactly like my ex and I wasted seven years in a controlling and abusive relationship with him. It got to the point (when I finally started keeping a diary) that I was having to provide strokes and reassurance 5-6 times a day.

Keep a diary - bet your relationship isn't good 90% of the time. Of course it's his responsibility to sort out his self-esteem and toxic parent issues. Don't go to couples counselling, each of you should go seperately for therapy.

I have a horrible feeling of deja vu.