partner wants to leave.. what to do?

[sadandabitdesperate]

name changed for this pathetic post.
My partner says he has only been here for the kids for a long time. .. our relationship has no redeeming features and has been bad for ages. I won't go on and on.

I am a mess and a shadow of the old me. I feel sick to my stomach and can't imagine us being on our own - I am middle aged. I feel too sick even to type at length. Is this a lost cause?

FGS stop describing yourself as middle aged for a start.

Get on to a solicitor and make sure you are going to be ok financially.

Look on this as the chance to do stuff that you've always wanted to do.

You're not pathetic either.

If he is being so brutally honest, in a way its this that will help you move forward. Let him go, but get some good legal advice for you and the kids.

You wouldnt want a man to be there who resented you. With some time and work on your battered self esteem, believe me, you will look back and see this as a good move.

Do you think there's another woman?

is it your opinion that its over too? if its been so bad for so long,then is it the best thing to separate now? sometimes it takes something like this to make you look at your life in new eyes

Let him go, get happy....think about your needs that he's obviously not thought asbout for a long time.

thanks all.. i have had a dreadful day...my (little) kids are going to be devastated

I dont think he had any right to keep you in a marriage where he felt like that , but at least hes being honest now. Sadly theres nothing you can do about it , but counselling for yourself might be helpfull, dont underestimate how helpfull it can be.

Your going to need a soliciter , and to make sure you are going to be ok financially and make plans re living arrangements. Dont panic , it all takes months and months , and he has an obligation to the children financially. Have you confided in your freinds and family ?

Your in for a bumpy ride , but youll come out the other side . Theres loads of women on here who have got divorced and for many ( including me ) its the best thing that could have happened . Once things have settled down youll rediscover yourself , its not all gloom and doom , honestly.

Be kind to yourself ( stop the middle aged thing immediateley !) and surround yourself with good freinds who will be kind to you also.

thanks - we are not married so unfortunately I personally am a little stuffed but I know he will always look after the children. Not got many friends really - certainly no one I can rely on but that is my fault. My family will help but parents really too old to deal with this.

Has your partner taken any responsibility at all for the downfall of your relationship? It sounds like you are blaming yourself for everything. It cannot be all your fault.

What's middle aged? I am 46 so probably half way through my life by now. That's fine as I've still got another 40 or 50 years left to enjoy myself. I'm also going through big problems in my relationship, have a ds age 9, not married and my parents are so old that they are dead. It is all a bit crap but there is hope, I promise you.

maybe a bit - he says blame is irrelevant now (aside - everything is always my fault). At the point where he really doesn't care at all.

I am close in age to you - I reckon I might have 10 yesrs the way I am going certainly not 40. How do you summon up the gumption to carry on?

You summon up the gumption to carry on by us lot reassuring you that six or 12 months down the line, you will be happier, relieved and everything will be easier than this time at present!

That's you told! x

Sad , 12 months from now everything will be differant , youll have new freinds , a brand new you and you wont look back. I was a sahm , financially dependant on him , couldnt drive , no qualifications , not many freinds , no family , no money , life was shit and i cried most days.

Now i can drive , im at uni ( yes at my age !) , got fab new freinds , i go out , and i often laugh till my tummy hurts . Its a horrible process that you have to go through , people are right when they say its like a bereavement , it is , but its necesary . And youll be differant and stronger by the end of it.

Quit the age thing , i bet your gorgeous !

He doesn't love me. He thinks he will try once more on his terms mostly (for kids). Is this doomed? or might it work?

Can you ever "save " a relationship?
Can anyone point me to any other threads that might deal with this - there seem to be 100s of long threads on here and difficult to see what might be helpful in this scenario. Thanks

Trying mostly on his terms ? Thats not trying , what about you and what you want ? Are you expected to break your back meeting the terms of a man who doesnt love you ? For me it would be over with the words " i dont love you ". Besides , do you really want to be with someone who blames you for everything ?

You deserve more than this , and to be honest i think hes taking the piss a bit here . Does he expect you to be a free housekeeper / childminder and serve him while he decides what he wants to do ? Thats just not fair at all.

The best thing would be to get some counseling for yourself , you may find that actually your relationship was shit and you might be glad to see the back of it ( you said it had no redeeming features ) . He doesnt get to call all the shots here , you have a say as well you know. Relationships can be saved , but if hes saying its only for the kids i dont see how thats going to work.

Depending on your housing situation i think id be telling him to fuck off out , that no, i wont be doing anything on his terms , cos ill be out meeting gorgeous men who apreciate me , id be talking maintenance , access arrangements and picturing him in his underpants eating sad microwave meals for one in some shit flat.

OK, so yesterday he's leaving today he's staying on his terms for the kids.

What do you want? Before he told you he wanted to end things were you happy in this relationship?

Whatever happens I would suggest you start preparing to stand on your own two feet. See a solicitor and check what woud happen if you split up re: accommodation, money etc.If you don't already have your own bank account and some 'rainy day' money I would make that a priority.

Maybe think about counselling, either together or on your own.

Remember most men end their relationships because they are seeing someone else, is that a possibility?

Whatever happens, hope things improve for you.