Moving out and leaving the children

[PostagePaid]

I am cripplingly depressed. I am being treated and am improving slowly but it is a long process with frequent backsliding. I had a breakdown last year (the third in my life), and ended up an inpatient.

My husband doesn't love me anymore. He has been filling the role of carer for a long time and my behaviour when 'up' or having an episode has killed our relationship. He kept trying and trying and forgiving me almost everything because I was ill (I cheated on him, had blackouts and didn't come home for days, self-harmed, drank, took drugs).

I am a SAHM almost by default; I haven't been able to hold down a job for years. Our DCs are 8, 4 and 18 months. H's salary pays for some childcare but we hold it in reserve for when I am having a bad episode. We don't qualify for WTC. DC2 is at nursery part-time.

I need to leave, I think. Perhaps permanently or perhaps until I can get myself more stable.

H is terrified of involving social services (asking for care), as he believes with some justification that they will seek to remove the children.

His suggestion is that I move out. I can then throw myself on the mercy of CMHS - I will qualify for incapacity benefit and others too probably, and housing benefit and stuff. He thinks I should stay nearby and see the children regularly, perhaps daily, provided I am having a good day.

DC1 is massively affected; wary of me, always 'reading' me, treading on eggshells. DC2 is beginning to go the same way. It is heartbreaking. I am doing them such harm.

H will either go part-time at work or get an au pair or similar.

I asked if he would do that and I could stay, but he says - firmly but with apparently genuine sadness - that no, he wants me away from the DCs and the house until I am more stable. There are things perhaps we could do - but he doesn't want to, he wants me to leave.

I am devastated and, bizarrely, worried about what people might think. But increasingly I think this might be what is needed and best for the DCs. I am quite lucid today but that is at the expense of being able to do anything, anything at all. Last week H came home to find DC1 trying to change DC3's nappy, having already made sandwiches for them all.

It can't go on. But will society judge me even more harshly for leaving my kids?

That is the most heartbreaking thing I have read in a long time :(

You obviously love your kids a lot and just want to do what is best for them. I don't know anything about what the (legal and other) implications of you leaving would be with regards to your long term position, so I can't advise you there. I do think that if you do leave, you should only leave with somewhere to go that will make an active contribution to you getting better and becoming stable enough to be involved in your kids' lives. If you leave to go live on your own, in rented accommodation, away from everything you know without a plan other than leaving in and of itself, I would worry that you might only get worse.

If you can face it, and your GP is cooperative, it sounds like an inpatient treatment might be good for you. It would be something proactive towards getting better that also gives your kids the breathing space you think they need. Once that is over, you and your husband could reassess if you should live with them or nearby.

Good luck.

do your episodes have any coincidence with when you had your kids ? I am wondering (from something a friend said recently) if they are hormone driven - maybe that would be worth seriously investigating as well as other more routine treatment.

As for your original question - I think it does sound like you need to have your own place for the sake of everyone - at least for a period.

It is very sad to read your story - you clearly love your kids and your DH has done his best - but when you are having a bad phase it sounds like you are all beyond anything you can handle.

Stay close and try and keep in touch as much as you can and give yourself a really good go at getting better - whatever it takes - it will be best for you all in the long run.

And what others think is really not something to care about - you are ill - if they don't understand that that is not your problem.

Good luck.

With whatever respect is due, fuck off, Coolfonz. Completely nasty and unnecessary.

Not nasty at all. Depression is 99% bullshit.

Drink and drugs got anything to do with it?

Coolfonz, please leave it. You might not "buy" depression in every single case people claim to have it, but this lady is clearly seriously ill.

Coolfonz what a nasty approach to take. My uncle is suffering with severe depression atm, but is ashamed to ask for help. Attitudes like yours are the reason why. Grow the fuck up. Depression is not bullshit, it is a medically recognised illness, caused by some sort of hormone not working as it should do.

Op I am so sorry for the decision you face, but fwiw anyone whose opinion is worth anything to you, will not judge you. I certainly wouldn't. Any-one else is a tosser not worth knowing.

You must love your children an awful to be able to make this choice for them.

Good luck with getting better.

COolfonz: given how frequently you boast about your own fondness for recreational drugs, is your aggression here due to a subconscius fear that you might go bananas at some point?

Coolfonz, comments like yours are exactly what I am afraid of. I probably shouldn't have had the DCs but rational decisisions are difficult and I truly believed I was better. Rest assured that anything negative you think of me is tame compared with what i feel about myself. I won't come back to this thread but appreciate all the responses.

postagepaid - i am so sorry for you all in this terrible situation. there is no easy answer, is there?

it seems to me that you and your Dh will be separating and so you need legal advice on issues of money and , most importantly, custody and access. please get this BEFORE you move out

you also need support and treatment - please go and get this. i know that some HCPs will be irritated with you as you have left treatment befroe, but that's the nature of the illness I'm afraid

please ignore posters like coolfonz. her comments say more about her and her issues and little about you and your family

Please ignore the apalling ignorance and lack of compassion from Coolfonz.

It sounds as though it would be the right thing to do.

If you can put your hand on your heart and say you will do everything in your power to get well and be there for your DC then you can do no more.

Your a rotton twat Coolfonz .

i think your H is right, but i also think he and you should seek support form profressionals through this.

social services wont take the dc away if your H is able to provide stable secure home with relvant au pair whatever - however - if stituation continues and dc end up chaingn nappies/caring for you etc etc - well then that it is not best situation is it? it isnt fair on them -tho many children do end up as carers...

if children can stay in their home and you can move out and get better and be supported to see the dc regualrly then long term is best solution.

i dontthink your relationship with H is priority now - the DC and tehir wellbeing are teh priority. accept your H's views, seek profressional help and his help, and stay somewhere close by to see DC regularly and get better.

yes see solicitor/CAB re finances etc - but so long as H not stopping you accessto money (and ti soudns he will help you with rent etc) then it does not seem to be issue right now... he seems to want to support you while doing best for DC.

ps stuff what anyone thinks. it is your lfie and your dcs - but tell school and get support for dcs too.

PostagePaid please do come back to the thread and ignore the ignorance of a certain person.My sister suffers bi-polar and she also took the decision to leave her family ,although her children were teenagers.After several years of seeing all the right people and being in the priory i am happy to tell you that she has just[ 28th aug ] remarried and has a very stable life now.I wish you all the best and think you are very couragous to share your story with us.