Not sure where I'm going with this...

[shoormal]

I guess the title says a bit about how I'm feeling just now. It's taken me ages to think about typing this but I have to get some of it out somewhere I guess. I'm pretty new to MN so this all feels a bit new.

A couple of months ago my H told me that he doesn't want our relationship to carry on. We've been together for 22 years and married for 18. I asked on MN for, and gratefully received, some practical advice about the house but I'm finding myself struggling emotionally just now.

Only a couple of real life friends know that there is anything wrong just now as I don't want everyone knowing before I talk to my daughter who is almost 14.

I get very confused about our situation as for some reason I seem to forget what our conversations about our situation consist of and I don't think I ever get any straight answers to any questions. For example when I mentioned we'd probably have to sell the house, his reponse was 'Well what do you think you are entitled to?' which immediately made me think I'm probably entitled to nothing as we didn't have a joint mortgage (I've since found out that's not the case).

I'm not entirely shocked at our situation as I have often wondered why my H is married at all let alone to me. He spends virtually all of his time on the computer (doing god knows what) and very little time with me and our DD. He is a teacher so I cut him a lot of slack as I know he's busy but it's a bit ridiculous really.

The original conversation about us splitting up started because he told me he was no longer going to try and have sex with me as he didn't like the way he felt when I said no. We've always had differing sex drives and he would like a lot more whereas I can take it or leave it. I then found myself thinking 'well if he doesn't want sex from me there's very little evidence to suggest he wants anything else so what's the point?'.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm making sense here or even what I want from writing this down but I need to sort something out in my head.

He has said that we don't need to change anything till our DD leaves school but I don't think I can live like this for 4 or 5 years.

Thanks for listening.

Mumi - I said it would be the nicest explanation for his behaviour if he was Autistic, it is because then I would feel some sympathy and understanding how one human being could treat another like this.

However for someone who isn't, the only explanation is they are incredibly self centred, or maybe deliberately using someone else.

Sorry I had to post and run yesterday - kids!

OP do start doing what you want. Do talk to your DD.

shoormal hello.

I'm going to suggest that you ask your husband to move out prior to getting a divorce. He may well have had an affair previously and is trawling around for another to finally 'end' the marriage.

Yours has been a long marriage so the settlement will be favourable to you.

Please don't put up with this selfish and heartless person any longer. You deserve so much more in life.

shoormal, I was in a similar situation and urge you to start sleeping in separate rooms, if at all possible. I know your daughter will realise there is something going on then, but I lived with my ex for over a year after we agreed to separate and I desperately needed my own space. I would rather have shared a bed with a complete stranger than him, it was so uncomfortable (emotionally, I mean). I would stay up late to avoid him and developed a sore neck from always sleeping on my left side, clinging to the edge of the bed!

During that time the house felt more like a prison than a home, but at least there was a space where I could go and he wouldn't follow. After I moved out, it took me a few months to get used to being able to go in any room in the house whenever I wanted!

This man considers you a free housekeeper and not really a 'person' at all. He's either having an affair or he himself has no libido - the telling you he's not going to have sex with you any more is a way of trying to make sure you feel guilty and wrong-footed and don;t examine his behaviour.
Agree with those posters who advise you to consult a matrimonial lawyer and get evidence of all the assets. Never ever trust a man who is telling you he doesn't love you any more, blaming you for it and then in the next breath telling you that things can be sorted out amicably without lawyers. What he means is, he wants to shaft you because in his eyes you are just an inconvenience.

Excuse me, I may be missing something, but surely the OP can't claim jobseekers if she's married to, or living with as a couple, a partner with an adequate income? The theory is that if you're a couple (whether or not you actually like each other!) you support each other financially. And if you're married (this is assuming you live in the UK) all the assets are held in common. Thus there is no "yours" and "mine", in law. If you're having to spend your redundancy money on just living there is something very wrong going on.

May I suggest a tootle down your local CAB to discuss your situation? There's also a fair bit of research you can do over the net, googling divorce and separation. Never, never enter negotiations without knowing all the facts.

I also agree with the advice to change your current sleeping arrangements. You'll feel a lot more relaxed and secure with your own space. (Been there, it made a huge difference.)

Re. JSA, it depends on what her claim is based on. NI contributions or household income.

3 steps:

Book an appointment with a counsellor immediately to talk about how you are feeling. You deserve care and attention and support. You also need help in communicating with your daughter.

Next, tell your husband you will be sleeping in separate rooms (and you be the one to pick where you want to sleep, not vice versa). Stop any form of joint housekeeping (making his meals, doing his washing etc) and ask him to look after his own needs. Trust me when i say you will feel very differently after 2 weeks of this and so, in all probability, will he. You are probably avoiding changing your sleeping habits because it means something irrevocable has happened to your relationship, and it is very hard for you to face this, and the fact you will need to talk to your daughter at this point.

Finally, make a promise to yourself you will photocopy all of the household's financial statements at the very next opportunity and keep them somewhere safe and private - not for any particular reason, but because it just might help you in some far-off future, and there's no harm in being safe.

Thanks again for the responses.

I'm beginning to wonder if I've always misunderstood what a marriage was about. We have always lived financially independently which I've always been okay with. I've spent a lot of the past year feeling bad for taking a bit of 'time out' to retrain and change my career. I've used most of a pretty good redundancy payout to live on as I have never asked my H for money for either myself or my daughter except for when it has been something particularly expensive which I think was only once or twice.

For some reason I'm having a bad day. I'm filling in job application forms and for some reason it's pushing me really down.

I've never been someone who cries but I've cried a lot in the past few weeks (not when anyone can see me of course!).

I've contacted my old counsellor and am just waiting for a response to set up an appointment.

shoormal however you have oraganised your finances in the past be assured as others have said you will entitled to at least half the house,assets and his pension. Spousal maintenance is looked at individually but I am sure he will need to pay that as well as 10% of his pay for your dd. I am further down the line than you but in very similar situation and have seen solicitor recently so am sure of what I am saying.

Whenever a relationship ends, no matter how unsatisfactory it may have been,there is bound to be a lot of sadness. Just because this split is what you may want too and is for the best will help make it easier but is still an enormous change.

From the tone of your posts and what you actually say it sounds like parting company as soon as possible will be for the best.

Life is short. Why spend any more of it in a situation like this.

Hope you hear from your counsellor soon.

gosh i can't think of anything more likely to make me feel low than trying to promote all my good qualities to strangers in the hope they will employ me, at the very point i am also being forced to confront all my assumptions and hopes for life ... no wonder you're having a hard time today. Be kind to yourself, try and give yourself a lot of room for expressing whatever comes up in the coming weeks and months. Crisis points in relationships leave one feeling lost and in doubt. The one thing you can hold onto is the fact that whatever the future brings at this point, it can't be much more lonely and unfulfilling than how you're feeling right now, can it?