I have a lovely friend who's at a crossroads in her marriage. She's been increasingly unhappy with her husband since their eldest child (6) was born, but in that classic way, when things very steadily worsen, it's easy to either not notice or to question if it is actually that bad.
She talks about her situation a lot and I listen - and also bang on endlessly about how the way he's treating her and the kids really isn't OK, and that she's worth so much more. I must sound a bit like a stuck record sometimes, although we are close and I think I am ultimately helping.
Anyway, because she's ended up feeling a bit low and a shadow of herself after a whole summer of his nonsense, I thought if I list some of her husband's behaviour on here, some of you might have some wise words of support to help her see that it is not right and that she is 100% not to blame for this, and any advice on what she might do next. Then, depending on how the thread pans out, I thought I might share it with her to bolster her.
So ...
- Her husband has described their son (to her - not to his face) as a f*cking dickhead/twat
- He spends NO hands-on time with the children at all
- He tells their two-year-old to get out of his face
- They have one toilet in the house, in the family bathroom, and he takes a bath after work. If his DS (6) needs a poo while he's in the bath, he won't let him in and makes him wait
- This summer, he said to my friend something along the lines of, "I mean, what are you actually any good at?"
- He tells my friend that she should leave their children to their own devices (they're 2 and 6) and spend more time on him and their relationship. Because he does nothing with the kids, she feels like she overcompensates with them a bit although, to any onlooker, she seems like any normally engaged and interested mum
- He goes to his female best friend's house at least one evening a week until late, getting drunk and talking about all sorts - including his marital gripes. This friend has then also laid into my friend about the same stuff (stop fussing over the kids so much, give him more sex, etc)
- He regularly comes in from work and goes straight to bed before the children - and then wakes his wife up for sex at 5am
- He complains that she just isn't interested enough in sex (which is almost always initiated by him a few hours before she would normally get up). She - understandably - doesn't want to be intimate with him, given how he treats her and the kids. He woke her up yesterday morning for sex at 5am. She obliged. He then said as he left early for work: "That's exactly what I'm talking about. I might as well be sticking my cock in a hole in the sheet."
- She spent the whole summer holidays abroad at their holiday home at his insistence and inevitably felt isolated and unsupported while he did his own thing the whole time. He then complained at her for being ungrateful and miserable.
- He doesn't like any of her friends.
- When she has tried to talk to him about these problems and how she'd like to be treated, he turns it on to her: she needs to be less miserable, more interested in him/sex, do less with the kids, be more grateful and appreciative of all the hard work he does, etc. And recently when she stood up for herself, he said, "Now's not the time to grow a backbone." She hasn't even suggested counselling, which she'd be willing to do, because she knows he won't do it.
... you get the picture.
So come on, ladies - tell me how very much more she is worth (and the kids too) than this. Come and tell me how lovely husbands worth having treat their wives and children - and even how much better it is to be on your own than dealing with this every day.
And if you were her, what would you do at this crossroads?