"training" OH

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

I met up with a friend yesterday who's just had her 1st baby, and she was saying how her partner is the absolute model of perfect parent and doting OH. He does the 1am feed with ebm, goes to work and comes back and does ALL the housework.

Of course I was aghast! I did stick up for my DH when she said all men who leave their OH to do all the housework when they're at home with the baby, because my DH is (I think) like lots of men where he just doesn't see or think about it but if asked does do washing up etc. It's frustrating that I have to ask but I guess I've just accepted it. She said all men like this are disgustingly selfish, that we're at home doing a tough job too so why shouldn't they come back and their share...she then went on to admit her OH wasn't always like this and it took her 2 years of training

She basically made him do EVERYTHING, "please do the washing up, please hoover the flat, please clean the bathroom", he would say "you make me do everything" and she'd reply "and until you do this stuff without me having to ask this is the way it'll stay". She says it has now massively paid off, their home isn't spick and span but she doesn't even have to think about housework.

I can't help thinking that though this sounds heavenly, isn't there something weird about 'training' your OH? I think it sounds like it's gone totally the other way, I wish my DH did more without me having to ask but I wouldn't feel comfortable with me doing nothing at all.

How do we (SAHM particularly but I have this issue when I'm worki as well) get out of the habit of doing everything ourselves without having to result to hard core training?! I think if I'd spoken to my DH like that he'd have left (as I would him if the shoe was on the other foot)

I absolutely hate the term 'trained' I imagine at some point this poor man will see the light and hopefully realise he is being treated like a pet! My dp is helpful around the house, he is very hands on with the dc's etc but while I do agree that chores should be shared between the parent at home and the one out at work, your friend, quite frankly sounds hideous

He'll soon get pissed off and they'll end up divorced.

I don't like doormat men myself.

Fuck me! Does she use a choke chain and a dog whistle too?

I think expecting one partner to do everything, male or female, is totally wrong!!

My dh does his fair share of housework - the only jobs we have specified are cooking (me), washing up (him) and ironing (me). The laundry (washing and drying) is all done at weekends and is shared - everything else is just done as and when one of us notices. In all honesty - he probably does more of it than I do.

I tend to be a "blitzer". If I have a spare afternoon, I will totally do a complete room. I am a supply teacher and currently work is non-existent so I have a fair bit of spare time. The other week I noticed how dusty our bedroom was. I started giving it a quick "do" and ended up totally spring cleaning it and rearranging the furniture!

My current project is our front garden - I spend most of every day out there sorting it out but today it is raining so am stuck inside on MN.

But I would never expect him to do it all, nor would I do it all. We both live here, we both have to tidy our mess up.

He's having an affair

Hmm. 'Training' as a term does sound a bit dodgy, but at the same time, when polite requests for a man to do his fair share of the housework result in him going Yes Dear and not doing it, it's understandable that some women feel they have to push harder rather than just accepting it as 'how men are'. In your friend's case, the bloke would have presumably had the option of going 'No, I won't do it' or indeed leaving her. I doubt she used a Taser on him. And her leaving everything to him may well have been a response to him a) doing fuck all and b) telling her when she complained that he couldnt see what all the fuss was about/what did she do all day anyway?

Neither partner should have to be "told" what to do around the house - it should be obvious what needs doing.

The only time I have to ask my dh to do something is if he is not aware, e.g. I am making dinner - he is working in his office - whoops, baby suddenly does a dirty nappy just I am about to dish up. So I will ask him to do it.

I think it helps when someone has lived by themselves for a substantial period of time so they KNOW what needs to be done to keep a house clean and tidy.

Hmm. I think you're friend is taking things to the extreme there really.
I have to 'train' my dp, but I prefer using the terms gentle encouragement, really.
I have set him jobs on certain days that he has too do.
Tuesdays and Thursdays he showers the ds's, wednesdays it his his job to sort out what's fior dinner, cook it and then clean up after and every other saturday he has to give me a minimum of 2 hours to myself in one block.

But that's it. He doesn't do housework (although he does get rather stressed if there are toys out when he gets home from work, so he then sorts that out)
I will do what I feel is needed in order to provide a clean and safe environment for our children, will make sure we have clean, dry clothes to wear and that there is food in the house (except a wednesday and he ensure's there is enough money for us to survive.

I have a housework routine in place where I do set amounts and jobs each day, so no housework is done on the weekends (apart from washing up etc)

< he does get rather stressed if there are toys out when he gets home from work, so he then sorts that out >
I think that's an expression of perfect sanity, SM! It stresses him out so he sorts it out.

So much more efficient than going into a mood because someone else hasn't sorted it :)

Yes, IsGA He hates toys being out, but I am more than happy for the children to bring toys to the living room and play however they want to through the day.
Before bath/shower time, the children are encouraged to take all the toys back to their room with my help so they aren't left out overnight, but like I said, I'll do what i feel is needed, and if dp thinks it's not enough, he is more than welcome to do more.
As long as it isn't with his "God, how hard is it to tidy properly attitude", when he does that, I have words!!

never "trained". but DH was living alone before we moved in together, so of course he had to do all the housework. and the trick was - when I moved in, I did not take everything over to show what a good little wifey and housekeeper I am. I just helped him with some. He still does his fair share (more, to be honest) and I never have to tell him what to do - after all, he managed before me, it's not like he got a sudden amnesia together with the marriage certificate.

It's a difficult one.
On the one hand, we as women are supposed to simply disallow household incompetence. I completely agree with that.
On the other hand, we're not all made the same, and while I would LOVE dh to see things, do things spontaneously, it rarely happens. He's never been like that. Whether it's because he has other things on his mind, or because he thinks I will just do things for him (I don't), either way I am the one who is supposed to do something about it.

SO what do I do? Do I try to 'train' him? Patronising. Do I become a shrew? Demeaning to both of us. Do I leave it? Unacceptable.

I try to talk to him like the adult he is and explain why it's not all right. It's hardly enjoyable. But I'm not going to treat him the way that woman treats her partner.

I can speak from the (stereotypical) man's perspective here.

I don't "see" mess and dirt, in the same way that many of your DHs don't. My DH on the other hand does. So I suppose he's in the traditional female position.

He will end up doing most of the housework, not because that is fair or he is an angel, but simply because he sees it needs doing before I do.

If he leaves it, eventually I will notice the mess/dirt/lack of clean clothes and will deal with it. But he never leaves it...

I actually think he should "train" me, in the sense that he should leave the washing up/laundry/etc until I actually do it myself, rather than always getting there first. Once he had left it a few times, I would probably learn to do it myself after that. And that would be more fair.

So all of you with DHs who "don't see" mess or dirt - my advice is to LEAVE it, as long as you can bear, and see if he gets round to it eventually. Then maybe he will do it more quickly the next time.