Friendships after a baby?

[mumofcheekychappy]

I think this might be a common problem but here goes.... Does anybody out there feel like they have lost friends since having a baby? This issue has really been bothering me.

Pre-baby, I thought I was part of a tight group of 6 girlfriends. We would go out partying and support each other through all the ups and downs 20 or 30-somethings go through. These were close friendships I'd had for nearly a decade. Then when I got pregnant and could not go out drinking and partying, all that changed. I don't get invites out anymore, even though I know the rest of them do get together, and even after I had my son only one of the girls came to visit! I took my son to visit the other girls, weeks after he was born. Surely real friends would want to come and visit a new baby?

I feel quite isolated and forgotten about. I do organise to see these people, but sometimes I would like them to take the initiative and consider the fact every now and again I would love to join them on a night out, or shopping or whatever.

Also, when you have a baby everybody encourages you to go to mums and babies groups and 'make new friends' - precisely at a time when you feel knackered, look like cr*p and have a baby breastfeeding constantly! I have got to know a few mums this way, but not someone I feel close to, it's all a bit superficial, despite most of the mums I meet being nice people.

I don't want to make myself sound like a complete billy-no-mates as in reality I know I am not, but I feel the friendships I once relied on were maybe not true friendships at all? Surely true friends would not just slip away?

Day to day I am a positive person and a good mum and I feel stupid and selfish for feeling this way. Do I expect too much??

Sorry, I know I sound sorry for myself, but would love to know if anybody else has felt this way?

I may be able to give you the other side of the coin... as a person without children, I find that sometimes girl friends who have had just a child become so baby-obsessed that not only tend to forget their old friends - unless they need us to babysit -, but when they meet you again the only thing they can seem to talk about is baby-stuff: pee, poo, diapers, feedings, vomit, etc etc.

Honestly I believe this straining of friendships after the birth of a baby tends to go both ways: both mum and friend feel ignored by the other. A mutual effort is needed to make sure the friendship keeps going and no one feels neglected.

I would recommend you to be more proactive in calling your friends in order to join them, instead of waiting for them to invite you. Frequently groups of single girls find that mums are too busy with the baby, and every time they call they are faced with all sort of excuses: "I have no babysitter for tonight", "I am exhausted", "I didn't sleep last night"... And as a result they stop trying.

Also, make sure that when you meet them, you make some time to talk about non-baby related stuff. Of course your friends will be interested in your child, but please remember that childless people's lives don't have a baby in the centre of their universe. Your child is the most interesting person only for you, and your friends will soon get bored of being told stories about the baby babbling, moving his/her head and recognizing faces. It is just not so fascinating unless it's yours, really. I have so many friends who were really interesting people with interesting lives before, with whom I could talk for hours, that seem to have become monothematic after they've given birth! It is very frustrating for the friends, and sometimes it becomes boring as hell to try to keep these friendships. Make sure you listen to their stories and don't make them feel what they say is less important because it doesn't involve being a mum.

Please notice that at no time I am trying to imply you are one of these mums. I am just giving you my view from "the other side" so you can maybe put yourself in some of your friends' shoes and try to avoid misunderstandings.

At the same time, of course, good friends should also make an effort to understand you have now a person in your life who has eclipsed everything else.

mumofcc - i would find it strange like you that your friends didn't want to visit the new baby

i've probably seen both sides as i had friends who had babies when we were all in our 20's. i certainly visited after the baby was born but wouldn't have understood (or even imagined) how much your life changes when you have dc.

now, i'm doing the baby thing and they are doing the teenager thing :)

i think you have been making a big effort to see them and its not being reciprocated

i don't think you are expecting too much at all.

How old is your baby? I've had all sorts of experiences since having my DS but can't think off the top of my head of any friends I've 'lost', which means if I have they're can't have been that important in the first place

I had some of my girlfriends from school who used to come round quite regularly when DS was born but I haven't seen them since he was about 4 months old, other friends have surprised me by how into the baby they are, taking time off work to trek across London to see us, others I wasn't particularly close but have come out of the woodwork and help me so so much with childcare etc.

I understand what aurynne is saying but she's assuming you're not making an effort. I have and have alwasy made a massive effort, since I was confident getting out and about on public transport I've gone to visit friends for lunch during their working week or gone to their houses, was also easier when DS was a tiny baby as we could for dinner at friends' houses and he'd sleep. It takes an effort initially but I'm pretty used to it now.

I'm one of my only friends with a baby so was very conscious of not talking about him all the time and only get into conversations about babies if they start it - it helps that I have an AMAZING group of mums who I can talk the hind legs off a donkey to about my DS. We met through mumsnet, when most of us were in late pregnancy, it is hard initially especially as you feel you maybe only have your baby in common, but we're now 2 years on and I count some of them as my closest friends now - it helps they all live very close so we can see each other ast the drop of a hat. Keep going to the baby groups, I know it's hard initially but it will pay off.

If you have access to chldcare (paid or unpaid) it's definately worth remembering when close friends' birthdays are and calling to see if they're having drinks or something, to show you're making the effort. We rarely get invited out to parties and clubbing now (thougb occasionally we do because maybe 1 time out of 5 we manage it!) but I make sure I keep up with my friends with lunches or weekend afternoons, I've found the more effort I've made the more they've reciprocated.

Also, cut yourself some slack, the first 6 months are tough tough tough....if you can't do these things now, just keep in phone contact for now and get back in touch properly once you're able. I am surprised they haven't even seen your baby, and I wouldn't think twice about letting them know.

To be honest, until I had a child I wasn't all that interested in visiting friends who'd had babies. I would go and take presents but was always terrified I would be asked to hold the baby (not sure what I thought would happen). It's really hard when you're the single friend for lots of reasons plus unless you specifically invite your friends to visit they may feel that you are too busy with the baby to see them.

I'm very sad that post-child (DD is 3) two friends I thought would be in my life forever simply aren't. Admittedly we all live a long way apart but it did make me realise that it was usually me traipsing all over the country to visit and not them coming to mine so much.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really. I guess it's that some friendships will fade and you may well make new ones - some of whom may not have children.

I sympathise completely. Some friendships are not unfortunately built to last when major life changes occur. Some friendships melt away for a time, because people without children don't always know how to work around that. Also new mothers do have a tendency to immerse themselves - quite rightly - in their new role, and can seem to their old friends that they are the ones dropping away from the group or friend dynamic.

As a new mum-to-be I slightly dread losing some friends, but I hope any friends worth keeping should be there again when I'm ready to join in.

I think the more you we remind them we're there and want company, the more they will start to remember to ask us. At least I hope so...

I think friendships do change - and are sometimes lost - once children are on the scene.

I have lost a few friends, been through huge ups and downs with the friends I've kept, got closer to friends I was never that close to pre-kids, and made a couple of new friends since having my first child 5 yrs ago. It's all par for the course and part of the masisve change and growth that comes with having children (sorry if that sounds Dr Phil, but it's true!).

I never got on at mum and baby groups, either. It felt forced, and I am not good at making small talk. Don't sweat it.

Concentrate on cultivating a couple of friendships with people that make you feel good about yourself, whoever they may be. Call them regularly, invite them over, take the initiative.

I was the first out if my friends to have a baby, and although kept most of my friendships, I do remember one dropping me like a ton of bricks.
That friendship really revolved in boozy nights out....

OP - are you me?

I totally understand what you're saying, and my experience is very very similar.

Also, from reading the other poster's comments I can see shades of how I used to feel pre-DS as well.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that, to us, our DCs are the earth moon and stars of the universe but to other people they are just babies/children.

As nice as babies/children are, they really aren't that interesting to others who have no experience with youngsters or no desire to have any.

I do notice myself a bit unable to talk about anything that isn't DS-related and when I do get out I try so hard to talk about music, films, work etc so to break the constant baby baby baby chat.

I'm due to go back to work in Jan and I really think that'll help me find myself as a woman again, not just a mummy.

OP - you're not alone!

Just a message to say thanks for taking time to post your replies - thanks for the understanding, advice and for letting me vent my feelings!! x

I no longer have any friends at all. It's quite sad really, though not just to do with having a child. But yes, I don't have any friends and I'm not even on first name terms with any other parents. I am incredibly lonely and wondering whether I'll ever have friends again!

I'd imagine it's fairly common, especially if you're the first within the group to have children. They'll probably be happy that you've already experienced this when they have their own.

i make the effort to see my old friends and i also make a point of NOT bringing up my kids as a topic of conversation. if someone asks me, fine but i keep it short.

this works for me. i still have my old work friends and i get to feel like i did before i had kids. i really cherish these evenings out.

win win.

and i would be extremely surprised if someone actually wanted to visit me to see my babies. not happened and not expected. yes it's sad - i'd like everyone to think my precious kids are the centre of the universe but they're not.

oh - and the unexpected pleasant side is that as they start to have their own kids you can enjoy that with them and they start to realize what it's like.

I was the first of my friends to have a child, and I didn't loose any of them, but I did go through a period of seeing them much less. I made a conscious effort of going out alone with them as soon as DS was about 4 weeks, and made sure I kept the baby talk to a minimum. When another girl in the group became a mum, the baby talk started creeping up, as she and I had lots in common suddenly. Fortunately the others were great friends and pointed out to us that as lovely as our children were, they didn't want to hear about them all the time. I am very thankful that they spoke up. We are still great friends and have a great time, with and without kids.