Shall I have another child- HELP

[Toasty]

I am very confused fast approaching 40 year old with a nearly 4 year old (November) who 18 months ago was desperate for another child but my partner did not agree as he has another child by a previous relationship and felt that two children were enough financially emotionally etc. After many tears I finally accepted the status quo and decided one child was great could see all the good points ie. money/time etc etc but now the table has turned and my partner is desparate for another child and I am absolutely thrown over the issue now. We have been together for nearly 10 years but our relationship is not exactly a bed of roses at times!! I am now so confused and also worried that if I completely reject this idea thatI will regret it. I dont feel I can talk to anyone close to me as my mother thinks I do too much already and most of my friends have two children so can only see the good side - some help or advice would be fantastic - PLEASE

I had my second child at 41 years. My first child was five and a half at the time.

All I can say Toasty, is to think hard about how you want your life to be when you're aged, say, 48 years.

If you feel you would look back longingly to your more fertile years and regret that you didn't take that last chance to have a child, then perhaps, all practical things considered, you should think about another pregancy.

Alternatively, if you feel that aged 48, with a growing up child, you would be relishing 'getting your life back', then perhaps one is enough.

I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I did ths and it definitely helped focus my thoughts.

There's a discussion on mumsnet about having a second child, but I can't remember the name of thread for the moment.

dear Toasty
have you asked your partner why he has changed his mind now? Maybe he feels it is "now or never" in the age stakes but is this a good reason to have another child if he also feels that it would be ill-affordable? If you did do it with one of you not being sure would it become an issue between you in the future? My view is that unless both partners are 100% committed to the idea of another child then it is too big a responsibility to undertake. I had a child at 40 with my second husband, in our case he wanted another but I didn't as it was me who already had one from a previous relationship. We agreed that unless we both agreed then we would not do it. As the child is now about to start full-time school in 3 weeks' time, my husband is now enjoying the "freedom" and regular sleep far too much to want to go back there......

Thanks to you both for answering my plea for help Tigermouth I have done what you said and the thought of still having a relatively young child does not bother me as such I think I have a bit of a thing about being 40!! How do your two interact is the big age difference a problem?

Cam I note what you say but the age thing is not a problem for my partner as he is only a babe (33). Financially its not too much of a problem I think when thinking about it before my partner just was just being selfish ie. more luxuries better holidays etc etc but now he seems to be of the same mind I was 18 months ago he doesnt want our son to be an only child and he also like me sees a family as more than one child I suppose - in saying all of this it has thrown me as I really had got my head/heart around us just having the one.

Toasty, I was worriend about the nearly five and a half year age gap, but so far this is the least of my problems. My sons have always interacted very well with each other. No rivalry since not in direct competition. Older son lets younger son play with all his toddler toys, like his Brio train set, without a backward glance. They love finding some common ground and the possibilities for this are increasing as my younger one grows up. eg: having splashy baths together, copying words and sounds, taking their 'wheels'( bike and pushalong tricycle)to the park.

Also, I do not have to watch my older son every second of the day, and I can even give him some responsibilities eg carrying the nappy bag the car, holding his brother's hand as we walk, which is helpful.

The main problem for me is the loss of freedom. You see all your one-child friends getting their lives back a little, but you're plunged right back into toddlerland: When you host a sleepover, you know that the parents are having a child-free evening and morning. When my oldest gets invited to a sleepover, I still have the youngest to care for. Also I can't meet up for joint visits to the cinema, or even pop round for a long home visit, because my toddler is not going to quietly amuse himself in the same way that my older son now can.

But, having been through it once, you know how quickly your child grows up, so you can enjoy each stage a little more.

If you can find the thread I mentioned earlier, there are more postings about the pros and cons of having a second child.

Hope this helps!

I don't think anyone but you can really decide but as a fellow nearly 40 year old with a 3 and half year old boy and an 8 week old baby girl, here's my conclusions.

You will have forgotten what hard work very small babies are. Its all coming back to me now, that utter dependency, inability to go anywhere without a small person who does not subscribe to the 4 hourly feeding rule wailing for mummy's boobs.

It is hard on the second child too. My boy has been better about it than I ever hoped but he has dealt with it by transferring all his affections to daddy and cutting me out ("You go away mummy and feed the baby")which is hard at times.

You need a lot of help and support from your other half too. My relationship is not the best but he is a very good daddy and gives our little boy the attention he needs.

Those are the downsides. On the plus side and for me it far outweighs everything else, I love her to bits, motherhood is better the second time round because you can enjoy it, (and I make sure I do because this may be my last) and you know it does get easier with time. For me, being a mummy has been a great achivement and I feel smug, proud and happy evey time I look at my babies.

Toasty, the message board I mentioned earlier is under the Parenting topic and called 'My life has changed so much with my second child, I am in shock, am I alone?
It might be of some use!

Dear Toasty
I hope I don't make you even more frightened about being 40 but I meant "now or never" for you rather than your man! Hope you don't think I'm being too cheeky and of course it's not really true - Cherie Blair had Leo at 46 - but as I am 45 and feel far too old and tired to have another, I'm talking a little from experience!
What Barca says is totally true, if you do go for it you will see him/her a total bonus and love it.

You don't say why your relationship is not a bed of roses at present. Perhaps this is due to the pressures of having a child or something totally unrelated. Therefore obviously you can only decide between you what the pressure of no.2 would do to your relationship.

However, based on my own experience, Having just had a second child at 42, I can thoroughly recommend it. My toddler is 3 years old (2 yrs and 4 months old when the new arrival came along), and whilst he found it extremely painful at first with lots of jealousy and upset, he has now settled down and really loves his new playmate.

2 is definately hard work for both partners, far harder than I had been led to believe, particularly going back to sleepless nights for the first few months with a very colicky baby, but now she is 8 months old, such a character; of lovely temperament, sleeping through the night and bringing us all so much joy, I can only say "go for it" you sound like you will regret it if you don't.

Suzoo I think you hit the nail bang on when you said I sounded like I might regret it - I think I would as I was so very desparate 18 months ago for another and think I have just buried my real feelings very deep (like we do) just to avoid them. Our relationship has always been volatile I suppose you would say neither of us are particularly calm people by am looking into a Transcendental Meditation course for us both - would be interesting to hear from anyone who does TM and recommends it! I think one of my main hangups is being 40 and starting to think of myself as old although I stil feel like a babe on a good day (well a babe who just got a bit fatter). I have really appreciated being able to hear other views as this is actually the first time I have posted a message and the support is great - thanks again everyone - I'll be away from my PC for a couple of weeks now but would still love to hear what you all think

Hi, my mum had her 10th child at the age of
38 and was a grandmother from her first born by the age of 44. I was 32 when I had my first child some of my sisters were in their early 20's. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, but we were all very close to my mum and to each other despite the large age difference between the oldest and the youngest children. I think age is only a problem if you let it be.

I think Evesmum is right, age doesn't matter, it's how you feel, how you can cope mentally and physically. There may be some 40 years olds far more able to cope with children and what they bring than say a 25 year old. So forget about age and ask yourself what you really want.

Well the news is that I have come off the pill and am taking my folic acid the only thing I have to get round to now is actually having sex not so easy when one of you is always tired and the other is obsessed with the remote control!!

Good luck Toasty. By the way, have you tried hiding the remote under the sofa?

Its the first place he looks!! We now have a collection of 3 (video/tv/sky) so he always manages to find one - watch this space xx

I can always lend you my youngest son. Anything he has will vanish, never to be seen again. I had to track down my mobile this morning by ringing it, after he'd been playing with it yesterday (with the key pad locked of course!)....