how to break the cycle

[jetcat]

i wasnt sure whether to post this here, or whether even to post it at all, but here goes

Do people think that whatever you do in life, the outcome for you has already been decided by your parents and their parents?

Let me expain. Birth mother has never worked. Eight children by the time she was 26, all of whom were removed before they were two. She has also been in and out of prison for years. Birth father - alcoholic for years, also very very sporadic work history and in and out of prison. Their parents before them had similar stories.

I am one of those children. As a teenager, my social worker told my foster parents that by the time i was 20, i would either be on drugs/alcholic, in prison or dead. Obviously i wasnt dead never been to prison, and have only dabbled with drink/ the odd spliff etc.

I have been to university, worked as a sw for a few years but had to leave due to ill health. That was 2004. I am now studying with the OU, with a dream of teacher training.

So why do i feel like non of this matters? Like whatever i do, however much i study/work etc. I will still end up like my mother (who i havent seen since i was 5). I hope i am explaining this ok - its like my life path has already been decided, and i am only deluding myself/delaying the inevitable before admitting defeat.

Not sure why i am posting, its been a tough few days with DD and school troubles, and i guess i just need to offload a little

I didn't want to leave this unanswered.

Your social worker was wrong. Very wrong. You have broken the cycle. Be proud of yourself for that. Well done!

Hi Jetcat. and very well done you. You are an example of social mobility that we can all be very very proud of. Remember that your genes come from all your ancestors not just your parents. You have been lucky and have inherited good genes from ancestors. We are not obliged to follow in our parents' footsteps. Some times they are a perfect example of how NOT to live ones life, and we learn a huge lesson from that. Some children are teetotal because they had an alcoholic parent, for example. You will obviously inherit somethings from your parents, hopefully all good things, but you come from a huge gene pool AND you have the example of how other people live. You appear to have a good take on it all. Naturally you are unhappy about your parents, who would not be, but you are NOT carbon copies of them.. They would be very proud of you. Their lives were not in vain if they produced you. Well done!

you have already broken the cycle, and your dd will break it even more x

you have been successful in breaking the cycle. i had a friend (bf actually) while at school who had a very deprived background similar to yours. he has never been like his parents and has been very successful in life. he was a top student at school and is now a company director.

it is not common but it is possible. for some the motivation is to never be like their parents.

thanks all. Yes, my motivation is to never be like my parents, yet i still feel that that is the inevitable outcome. Perhaps it is my depression making me feel like that - i just wish i knew how to change this.

Baggy - i doubt very much they are proud of me, but that doesnt bother me

Nature and nurture are both important but in some cases the nurture will outweigh the nature. You have clearly had some good examples (whoever they might have been: foster family, teachers, friends' parents etc) and have become far more than your silly, outdated SW had imagined. My SIL is adopted and fears becoming like her mum (alcoholic and dead of botched 'cry for help' suicide attempt by mid 20s). She's a trained mental health nurse and is a pulled together member of society and we're all really proud of her.

Everyone gets wobbly days - it's just everyone's ishoos are different. Relax, enjoy yourself and be proud of what and who you are.

"Perhaps it is my depression making me feel like that" ok so this is something that can run in families and possibly why some people find it hard to break away from the cycle.

look into gettng some help for this as it will make a big difference for you.

You have broken the cycle. I would ask your GP to refer you for cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS.

Well done, you sound like you've done brilliantly.

have tried CBT - was too hard

I do have input from the mental health team, but that is all about managing day to day, rather than deal with issues from my past - i tend to fall apart really easily, and as i am on my own with my 2 DDs, i need to at least try to keep it together.

Your social worker was rubbish! She was 100% incorrect, mistaken, wrong.

What your parents taught you was the best they knew, but they didn't want your life to turn out like theirs. Instead, they handed you over for a better upbringing. That's proof they knew, and wished a diferent outcome for you.

Here is permission to be a happy, healthy, contented teacher, and to live a long and successful life :)

You've got permission!

Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads?

ISGA - they didnt hand us over, we were removed. And i cant forgive them for having more and more children, knowing that they wouldnt be allowed to keep any.

Yes, i have looked at the Stately Homes threads, and i think even posted once. But, as i had very difficult experiences in my longest foster placement (where i was also removed), i find it too painful although i think the posters are very very brave.

Just think of all the famous people who have come from nothing...there are loads. You are you...sometimes genes are overriden by nurture.

I can't believe your social worker told you that...what a loser he/she is.

Good luck with your dreams. And remember all the people from priviledged/rich backgrounds who screw up majorly and end up miserable/on drugs/etc.

I'm very sorry your foster placement was harmful, too. What a shit time you had. You've done incredibly well to turn your life around like this, and are still doing incredibly well :)

Rather than go into deeply weird psychology stuff, may I suggest you look up 'impostor syndrome'? I think it might have some resonance for you, and tere are loads of nice self-help sites about it, too. Good luck.

thanks again, all of your kind words are making me well up

ISGA - before i even click on that link, i have a feeling it will be for me, as that is exactly how i feel - like i am an imposter.