DH wants marriage counselling! I'm confused and need help

[MarriageBreakdown]

DH and I have been together 3 years. We have a toddler, a baby and we got married just over a year ago.

At first we had A LOT of sex, however, after 5 months I got pregnant with our DC1 and DH no longer wanted sex because he thought it was weird. Then he didn't want it when DC1 was in our bedroom so when he finally went into his own bedroom we did it a few times and I got pregnant with DC2 and the whole thing started again.

DC2 is now 6 months old. I had a section so no physical reason not to have sex apart from the fact I've put on a lot of weight and I'm unhappy with my appearance.

I've always wanted sex and so I suffered constant rejection from him whilst I was pregnant, then rather than trying to have sex I'd ask if we could every now and again and he wouldn't want it.

We've had sex about 5 times in the past 6 months- at the very most. It's been quick and not particularly exciting.

DH decorated our room as a surprise 7 weeks ago- red and silky. He sorted out DC2's room so we had our's back to ourselves. I have used this room as a little haven to read my magazines, chill out, watch dvds etc. We have not had sex once. I have performed oral sex once.

DH was on ADs but he has stopped taking them and he has become very angry and fed up. He can't be fussed with me. He has now broken the news that he hates that I go on facebook, he thinks it's sad and pathetic. He hates that I talk about my friends' lives to him as he's not interested. He thinks that I am going to run off with my best friends brother because he had a crush on me many years ago and has recently split with his wife. He hates that I txt my friends so often. And most of all he hates that we do not have sex. He said I have made such an issue out of it over the past couple of years that he is now too nervous to have sex with me and there is a barrier between us. He now wants marriage counselling and if it fails he is 'walking'. He said I just piss him off.

I tend to feel that he's embarrassed of me whenever we're with mutual friends or his family.

Everything is just falling apart.

It's hurt me most of all as we're best friends.

He has continued to watch porn and masterbate throughout our relationship so he does have sexual feelings. I have lost my cinfidence in general and I do worry that he is going to look elsewhere.

Someone please analyse and help me, I just can't get any perspective.

In addition, previous to our relationship he slept with hundreds of women and was very sexually active and I was a very sexual person. I don't really feel sexy at all anymore.

God, and you say hes your best friend

I would say, from the limited info, he has an addiction to porn. That has displaced his interest in real live sex with his wife. He has the problem, not you.

Would be interesting to hear what marriage guidance would think of him.

sounds like you need it, maybe he hates that you do other things becuase it detracts from time you could be spending with him, so if this is an unfair amount of time then this will come up at counselling, however if he is being an over jealous prick - this too will come out

my best advice would be to make sure that you have tyou r financials in order and now you have time to put an action plan into place just in case he decides to leave.

dont beg or cry in fact IME, if you say off you fuck then , dont forget you will still be paying for the kids - ih yes quick reminder - your not the centre of the fucking universe - i will be fine, find another fella and my kids may well address someone new as daddy - so whilst your fucking off thinking of yourself and your own happiness and leaving me to look after two young babies, dont for one SECOND think that i am going to be sitting here crying over you you prick, i am strong and able to do this on my own, many women have before me. if you dont like me - then im not forcing you to stay. but remember, whilst your off free and single - i will be too and one day another mans penis will be inside me.

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they forget these things - spell it out

See it sounds awful when I read it back.. but we get on really well and we have such a laugh. But we're both very fiery and row sometimes. We do love each other a lot. But... well... I've said it all above really.

I don't think he's addicted to porn, he uses it on occasion which proves that he can still get aroused but we don't really have sex. Urgh :( I'm so def up. Want to crawl in a hole and hide for a few days.

What makes you feel he is embarrased of you when out with his friends and family? What sort of things does he do?

He seems to be 'off' with me. It took a long time for him to invite me to things and sometimes he doesn't tell me when we've been invited to something, until after the event.

If we do go, he won't drink much, seems to try to keep away from me and seems to have a 'face' on him.

Custardo, I cross posted but your post was very empowering.

Can I just add to this I'm 25 and he's 30 so not ready to give up on sex just yet.

Is anyone still awake?

any bet there is more porn and maybe other things than you know about, very common when they are depressed.

you will never live up to what they portray.

custardo haha yes something to do for sure.

you need to become strong and not a doormat for him. oh and be prepred for him to walk. work on your own self esteam.

He doesn't sound brilliant, Marriage. And I agree with others, if there's counselling to be had, then make sure you bring up your issues as well. This whole "if it doesn't work, I walk" sounds like a threat to me - shape up, woman, or I leave.

He should be approaching counselling as a chance for you two to communicate and work on things. Not as a way to give you a list of things he hates about you.

He hates that you go on Facebook, that you talk to your friends, that you talk about your friends, that you text your friends, and thinks you're going to run off with another bloke. He acts unpleasantly at social occasions, or hides them from you so you don't leave the house.

That makes him sound very controlling, very jealous, and I think he's trying to isolate you from all your support networks.

When you say you have fiery rows, are they ever physical?

What does he do that makes you think he loves you? Because from your posts, he doesn't like you, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to go out with you, doesn't want you to spend time with other friends, and doesn't want to have sex with you. So there must be something very strong balancing that out if you believe he's your best friend andhe loves you.

Personally I think the key part of your post is that he's stopped his ADs. Seems to me the man is depressed and is taking it out on you. No amount of marriage counselling will help until he addresses the depression.

For some people 'depressed mood' isn't the main or only symptom, feelings of anger, aggression, dissatisfaction, jealusy, paranoia (any negative emotion really) can all be there too.

Agree with custardo that you do need to spell it out to him but I think you need to hold up a mirror for him so he can see and understand his behaviour and hows its impacting you and the kids. Most of all he needs to go back on his ADs

Good luck

I think the anti depressants are playing a part here as well. Speaking from experience when you take them they can have a drastic effect on your sex drive for men and women, make it very hard to reach orgasm and you lose your drive as well, depression in itself without anti depressants means you lose interest as well. Coming off antidepressants too quick can mean a relapse into depression, if he stopped them cold turkey this could be affecting him far more than he knows.

I think the depression thing here could be the big problem.

He does sound depressed and it sounds like he's taking his depression out on you - I did similar and lost my wife quite rightly - depression is an illness but it's not an excuse to treat the people you love badly is what I've learnt (way too late for my marriage, but not for my life!)

If he's asking for counselling in some ways that might be positive? Though I agree the way he's basically saying he wants it because of "what you do wrong" is very unbalanced (to be nice) / ridiculous and threatening (to be more realistic).

But counselling may be a safe environment where you can talk about how unhappy you feel too and why - which I totally agree is essential here.

Maybe it would allow you to raise the question of whether his depression is a problem and whether he's taking it out on you rather than recognising it?

Surely though any counseller worth anything wouldn't allow it to just become a shopping list of why he's not happy with you and how you should change to please him. Surely they would have the skills to turn some of that attitude around, bring how you feel into the equation and also to say that threatening to leave you if that's not what he gets from counselling is out of line and can't be what proper counselling is about?

Good luck, I hope whatever happens you will be much happier soon.

I have only read the origional post, this is a classic transactional analysis game of fridget wife, think Jordan and Peter Andre and now Alex... Focus on sex, loads at beginning then none and argue and resent each other regarding it!

you asked to be analysed, well sex to him sounds like it is mechanical and the loads of women and porn thing, means nothing, low sex drive and gets little from it so hides it with loads of women and porn

you seem to want sex to feel loved and you both seem to use it as a weapon and manily as something to breed, there seems a real lack of cuddling as you don't even mention wanting them etc...

I think the sooner you both realise you both have low sex drives and stop trying to pretend that it matters due to your mutual shame about your sexual apetite the happier you both will be single, in the next relationship or together, as the same problems will arrise in the next relationship if you don't sort it out now!

you both also like to wind each other up, you with tales of friends bro and him with porn...

i think you both need couple and individual therapy from what you say, it will change your life and improve your commincation and ability to be honnest with youself and others x

best of luck x

This has really helped. Particularly the analysis of why we act this way.

His depression (and mine) is definately key. But I'm confused as to how to deal with it. Today he says he doesn't want counselling and was all apologies etc, he said he needs to get back on his tablets and he is confused as to why he keeps having these outbursts.

The rows never become violent fortunately.

Do we have low sex drives and why?? What is the way forward?

Marriage, thats really great news that he's decided to go back on his ADs.

Personally I suspect the 'low sex drive' issue is a bit of a red herring. Its perfectly normal for men to 'go off' penetrative sex with their pregnant wives and having young children to care for can also impact on sex drive (tiredness, having someone in the room/house, altered self image etc).

What to do about it? Well it takes work. Try to be intimate without it all being about sex...cuddles, little touches, kisses...at first it might seem forced but keep going an it will become second nature again. Try making sex about mutual touching (not penetration), this will let you explore each others bodies again. Make time to just be with each other - recruit family and give yourselves an evening out (doesn't need to be late or anything fancy, a walk and fish and chips in the park, so long as its just you two).

You might well benefit from some marriage/relationship counseling anyway, nothing to stop you going alone if your DH doesn't want to go.

hope that helps in practical terms