not in love with dh or happy in my life, please help this is such a mess.

[LoveNotInLove]

Name change, judge flounce, red rugs, tablecloths.... know about them all...

Have been with dh for fifteen years, married for eleven. We have a seven year old.

We have been living what I would describe as a fairly stable life, I am a sahm, dh works quite a distance away from home and commutes. For a while I had been a bit disilusioned with my life because have been wanting to do something with it but had no idea what that was.

Anyway earlier this year I went away for a week, and while I was there I had an amazing time. And it suddenly made me realize that I wasn't happy with the life I have here, where all I have is dh and ds, no friends, no social life etc, and suddenly I was in amongst people who wanted to be my friend and wanted to spend time with me. I have always been a very outgoing person and while I was away that week I realized that over the years I had lost that altogether as tbh dh isn't that outgoing and is more reserved whereas I am more impetuous.

I came back from the trip with some serious doubts about our future tbh as it made me think twice about how I felt about dh. But I then decided to put my all into making it work, we went on holiday and had a great time.

But when we came back I got sick and lost all that confidence I had gained while away, I was back to the life I had had before, and yes, was disilusioned with it again.

It was during this time that I started chatting online to various people and actually made friends with a good few of them. However I stupidly got close to one of them.

This weekend I sent one email to him, and somehow, dh saw it.

Now while I acknowledge that this hurt dh immeasurably I do think that it opened up the channels of communication wrt all the things that have been making me unhappy over the recent months. We have talked, and cried and talked some more. Dh loves me, I have no doubt about that in my mind. And I love him. Thing is I don't think I am in love with him, and I'm not sure what if anything can be done about that.

We lead almost separate lives, we live in the same house, we communicate with each other, eat together, sleep together etc, but by virtue of the fact that dh works so far away from home he has his own friends where he works and I don't have any friends here locally. So we essentially have no life together outside of the house.

Most of my friends are people I've met in other circles who don't live here so I never see them, or people I know online. But we've agreed that if we're going to stay together then I'm going to have to give up those friends as dh will always wonder and will never be able to trust me if I don't. (and I know that that is through my own doing).

I know what I have to do wrt the other guy - I have to cut contact with him altogether.

But I'm not sure that is going to resolve things.

If we stay together then I have to give up all my friends, because if I don't then dh will constantly wonder if I am getting too close to someone again. He says he doesn't want me to isolate myself but acknowledges that this is what would have to be done.

If we split then we will both be miserable and will make ds miserable.

And essentially the relationship isn't bad in terms of any kind of abuse/violence etc it's just that my feelings have changed.

I know I've been an idiot and that this is all my fault, although tbh the other guy was a symptom rather than a cause - I was already unhappy before he came on the scene.

I just don't know what to do. Is it possible to fall back in love with someone? should one stay together for the sake of the children? will I be happy staying in a relationship where I'll have to acknowledge that the only way to do so will be to isolate myself and give myself to dh to the exclusion of everyone else?

I am in the process of setting up my own business so I know that in time I will get out of the house more.

Whether I will meet like-minded people or not remains to be seen I suppose.

But I find it so hard to make friends that when I do I suppose I am guilty of letting myself get too drawn in by them, which is why I know that I just need to step back and not go down that route any more.

I had such a wonderful time on the trip I went on, but now I have said that I won't do the same trip again next year (there would be an opportunity) because essentially it made me think and feel differently (or realize that I thought and felt differently) so has messed things up really.

Can you not move closer to where your husband works? Commuting is soul destroying - better that you live and work in your own community, not have seperate friends for different places/situations.

And speaking of community - could you do some volunteer work or help out on a community project? It has to be something that you're vaguely interested in so that you'll stick to it.. But its a great way to meet different types of people and have some social contact..

The problem seems to be your lack of friendships and social life outside your home, so that's what needs to be fixed.

Give up the one man to whom you got too close but do try to make yourself another life as well.
Part-time work (not a stay-at-home business) or day-time courses would be a start. Gym? I suspect that if you gave up the current online contacts you would only start again in a few months but would have to hide this from your DH, and that would cause worse problems later.

Your DH will have to trust you, just as you trust him when he's away. How come you don't know anyone locally? How does DD get to school? If you take her, get out of the car so you can talk to other people, that's how friendships start.

As for falling in & out of love, yes you can fall back in love. I lost it for DP for a while but recovered the feelings in time and after a holiday together so don't despair.

You can also chain yourself to the bed and work in an isolation room with rubber walls, without a phone and internet connection in case you happen to meet someone.

Love, forcing yourself to "not meet people" in case they make you realize your life is miserable is not the solution. You have the right to have a life, to make friends, to see the World... making friends does not mean you will fall in love with someone else. And when it does, it very clearly means the person you're with is not the right one. Turning into an inmate in your own house to stop that from happening is ridiculous.

thank you for responses :).

To be fair, dh hasn't said that I need to cut myself off from everyone, but he has acknowledged that he will always wonder, and that every time I mention someone's name he will wonder, so I see no other choice really.

I do know people locally from the school gates, but the connections are just so incredibly superficial, they're the kinds of people you meet at the school gates, who talk to you one day and not the next, and who you never see beyond the school gates.

I have tried to form more meaningful friendships with some of them, but most already have their own groups of friends and don't appear to be open to making new ones.

Hi LoveNot
Your dilemma struck a chord with me because I am working through a similar scenario in my own life. Been with DH 26 years and have grown up kids. For several years I have been in denial about the lack of real intimacy with my DH. I have developed my own interests and gone away with friends who share them.
Three years ago the inevitable happened and I fell in love with a friend who shares my hobby. After a short but passionate affair we ended it and I started counselling. Now two years on I have left DH to live alone and try to regain the joy of living that had been crushed out of me by all those years of looking after others.
He is devastated and bewildered. I am scared and ashamed and feel very disloyal. But we only have one life and it is too short to spend it unhappily compromising who we are.
Could you find a counsellor to talk this through with? You cannot be held captive just because your DH would prefer you to stay as you are! Be brave.

Youve made a series of bad judgements.

1. The bloke/email
2. Agreeing not to see people (wtf is that about??)

But you had two holidays/trips that you did like, including one with your husband.

So identify why you liked them. Tell your husband why you like them and you want to do it more. Try and repeat that stuff nearer home so you can get out and do the things you like (i mean where do you live Siberia?). Don't try and fuck/snog anyone else and eventually he will trust you again. After all he ain't gonna leave is he.

Alternatively, split up.

Your dh is not your problem - it is your lifestyle. You can't hope that he is going to wave a magic wand and fix everything - or that any other man is, for that matter.

Solving your issues is down to you. Your current lifestyle doesn't suit you or your dh / family. So change it. Work out how you can spend more time together and less time commuting. Get involved in each other's social lives. Yours can just be bigger, because you like going out more. And if dh can get involved if he wants to at any time he will learn to trust you again.

Mainly though - don't expect to be 'in love' like you were when you were 18. It's unsustainable and you are romanticising the head over heels bit while conveniently forgetting the downside - the feelings of rejection, of being lonely when you either get dumped or realise that mr wonderful is actually a complete prat.

You had time out and got the feeling of being without ties, then found it hard to readjust to the daily grind. Yes, it showed you some stuff, so let that help you rather than chucking away your life. Also - where was your child when you were away? Could you live like that with a child in tow?