My Dad

[MoralDefective]

My Dad chucked us all when i was 17....i am now 50..,i haven't seen him since then,...why am i so upset that he is now dead....it is 33 years since i saw him,and it has made me cry all night...he was a git and no real loss,but the sadness is that i'll never get the chance to see him again

I am so sorry for your loss. Although you say it was no real loss, it is. You are mourning a relationship that wasn't and now can never be. Grieve and be kind to yourself.

Thank you..i don't know why but i do still miss him

for as long as he was alive there was a slight hope for reconciliation and a happy ending , and now there isnt .

No wonder you feel tearful . take care of yourself and hug those you love x

Hi MoralDefective(not) ,

I lost a post to you last night, (ds's new 'vertical' mouse...) I'll try to recreate it.

Yes, hope is gone. You may be grieving for your dad, but I think you are grieving for your loss of hope too.

This is just a thought:
I don't know if it is the child within us, imagination, a coping mechanism to just get through it, but we can manufacture a connection that really isn't there. Because a biological connection exists, we presume that an emotional connection is a preordained given. But it isn't, is it?

And the hope feeds our imaginary connection for a future expectation. But the expectation is not met, and the passing of the person means that the expectation will never be met. So I think there is an element of pure frustration that all that hope was a waste of time. Along with your grief, there may be a mix of anger. Understandably so.

I am sorry that this happened to you, it isn't fair. I am sorry for your loss, then and now. Take care.

Hugs to you Moral.

You're mourning not only the loss of a father, but also "what might have been". It's hard work coming to terms with the fact that one of your parents was a terminal shit.

As other people have said, be kind to yourself. Give yourself plenty of time to get it all out - grief, rage, confusion and sadness.

Talk. Because of your estrangement, your grieving process will be a little different, but it's a process alright, and talking will help.

We're all thinking of you here.

Thanks for your messages..i know you're all right,i suppose i always thought i'd see him again one day and that he'd say sorry to us all..he just left and never came back..had been married to my mum for 29 years,but made her jump through all manner of hoops for maintenance,and said really spiteful things about what a couple of wasters me and my brother were,and that my mum had basically 'bummed' off him for all those years!...he was in the army and she could't easily get a job in Hong Kong and Brunei and all the other places we lived......actually writing all this is making me feel a whole lot better........MaQ,yes,he was a terminal shit! Thanks

So sorry Moral.

As the others said, its grief for what might have been. Loss of hope, loss of a proper relationship with a loving father. Thats a big deal, dont underestimate the need of children to have parents love them, and you are still his child.

If the law of Karma is true, your dad will right now be learning how wrong he was to treat you this way, and having to learn and repent.

Thinking of you