Borderline Personality Disorder...anyone have a partner/ex partner with this??

[vanillapod]

Totally inappropriate comments from coolfonz. Anybody who has an ex with a personality disorder knows that there's a lot to make sense of, accept, put behind you, recover from....... and if you have children, it's not totally over yet, techniques for dealing with these types are still necessary for maintaining one's sanity.

My ex had BPD diagnosed by a psychiatrist. We split after years of abuse and manipulative & erratic behaviour. All that time I really belived he was just a bstd - when we split and I realised how frightening the thought of him being alone with our children was, I got a solicitor involved and went to court to block access (he had been very violent and attempted suicide, also threatened to 'kill us all'...).

Judge ordered he had psychiatric assessment before any contact was allowed. He was diagnosed with BPD and from that point was only allowed supervised contact. But he still couldnt manage to control his behaviour, even with social workers watching him, so I said I would no longer allow any contact, and wrote to the court explaining why, with a copy of the letter to his solicitor. It was so bad I really believed (and still do) that the negative impact he would have on our children would always way, way override any positives of them seeing him.

I have never heard from him since and this all happened many years ago now. I hear (on the local gossip mill) that he is still drifting from disaster to disaster, and I know he is on drugs and into crime because Ive read about it myself in the local paper! Basically I know I made the right decision.

My advice to you would be to put your children first and stop contact. If he tries to have contact, get a bloody good solicitor and insist he is assessed before any contact is allowed, supervised or not. If he has BPD he could be a danger to his children and yourself. Very sad for him to have BDP, I know, but frankly that's not your concern - your children are.

"when he threatens to kill himself/never see the kids"

yes had this experience - how serious is he?

one time "i am going off to xxx country and the dc will never see me" - when challenged became "i just said i was going on holiday, dont know what you talking about..."

let us say he actually does kill himself - would you be repsonsible for that? no. his responsibility. his decision.

yes you would have to deal with the fallout and support the dc - but that would be doable and you could get relevant support.

as was said - the only response to "i am going to kill myself" is dial 999 and get police/ambulance to go see him ... if like my ex the police will call you back within an hour or so and say they have been to see him and he is absolutely fine and wonders what the fuss is all about...

or - if really serious - then they will take the necessary measures eg psych ward.

either way - responsibility becomes someone elses...

contact - depends how old dc are - if young then stick to contact centre, keep record of suicide threats etc to take to solicitor.

get him to make them by text/email if possible...

also - it can be helpful to read up on suicide, on people whose husbands/exes/children have committed suicide - to know that never ever are they to blame -can be the illnes of the person, -but also to realise that if someone wants to do it they will - or if their illness is going to lead them to it - well it will...

and threats in the context of abusive realtionship may well be just that - threats...

eg picking at random www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthadvice/lesleygarnerlifeclass/5427990/For-years-after-my-ex-husbands-suicide-I-was-tormented-by-guilt-but-I-was-not-to-blame.html

Thanks everyone :)

whoa pixie - that all sounds terrible.:( awful you had to go through that.
I really don't believe my ex is violent. He has never shown any kind of violence, so that doesn't worry me.
I think Valium hit the nail on the head about coping techniques/sanity. I would so love to be unconcerned about it all, but he seems to find new ways to hurt/manipulate.

I am going to tell the police the next time he threatens suicide. I have told his family, but I'm not sure they believe me as he puts on a very good front with them.

so he only threatens suicide to you - not to his family or friends?

funny that...

Yes, just me. And he has done for years, so its not part of the post break up crud.

I wasn't going to tell his mum, but then I had to. I can't be tho only one that knows this. Also I think they have the right to know ...at least they have the right to do something - be supportive, whatever.

think about it - just you.
why so?

did it get a good reaction?
plays on your concerns for your DC?

so, tell everyone - his friends, his family, his GP, the police etc.

if he seriously means it - well he needs help...and it isnt your responsibility to give it to him.

wait for the denial...
or his anger at you telling people this - at which you realise he was manipulating and just ignore...

or start in your head planning his funeral service...it is a good ploy. what music would you play? who would you invite? who would write the eulogy? "he will always be remembered as xxx's dad..."

(sorri if this sounds flippant, but i too had years of this, and in the end it was a coping mechanism for me...)

i have a very good friend who has laughed at me telling her "i think this time he might kill himself..." "oh no, he wont" she has said.... it took a fair few times of this process before i realised she was right... it is about drama, catastrophising, manipulation ....