H being horrible to DS - don't know what to do

[malinkey]

Aaagh, feel like screaming. Emotionally abusive H and I are in the process of separating but are still living together until we sell our flat because he won't move out. He has been scarily nice since his initial shock when I told him I didn't love him any more and wanted to split up. But his true colours are beginning to resurface.

Earlier this evening DS (aged 2) said he needed to go on the potty so H took him upstairs to the bathroom. DS started shouting that he didn't want to go and started crying. H shut the bathroom door with DS inside and I could hear him shouting that he had to stay in there until he'd gone on the potty, all the while DS was crying. I went upstairs by which time H had opened the door but was standing in the doorway preventing DS from getting out. DS was crying for me with his arms outstretched but H wouldn't budge. I had to ask him to move and I went to get DS who was by now quite distressed and it took him a while to calm down. He didn't go on the potty afterwards and sometimes he does say he needs to go when he doesn't really or he just changes his mind.

H then started shouting about how it was no wonder that DS was so difficult with him (DS is much closer to me and quite often says he likes mummy and doesn't like daddy) and how I was turning him against him. When we came downstairs H was stropping around and snarled at me and said he couldn't believe how I would use DS in this way and how I'm trying to make him hate him. All this in front of DS who then started saying 'Daddy's naughty'. Then H sat in a sulking fury on the sofa until DS went upstairs to bed.

I can't believe that he would be so horrible to DS and talk to me like that in front of him. Even though I do know how unreasonable and nasty he can be, I haven't seen it for a while while he's been doing his nice act and it's come as a bit of a shock. I feel really horrible and am so sad and guilty that DS is stuck in this situation until we can move.

i really feel for you and hope you can get out of this situation asap. only thing i can offer is that DS is still young enough that once this horrible man is out of his daily life, he should bounce back and not suffer any real longterm effects from H's behaviour. Just give him all the mummy love you can!

You cant stay under the same roof as this man.

There must be something you can do? Someone will come along with an idea...

You weren't going back on your decision to split were you? Cos I'll bet that's his tactic - thinking that he'll grind you down while you're both under the same roof.

He sounds utterly repulsive, so sad for your poor little boy being treated likemthat in his own home. Does H ever have ds on his own? I wouldn't trust him tbh.

Thanks toomuch. I do try and give him as much mummy love as possible! Sometimes I can see H looking at me enviously as we are cuddling on the sofa.

No, Falling, definitely not going back on my decision to split. Just have been sadly grateful that things seemed quite amicable while we're stuck in this awful limbo as I had expected H to be really difficult once I told him how I felt. And was foolishly hoping that we could have some kind of friendly relationship while sharing care of DS when we separate. I'm a fool.

Yes, H does sometimes have DS on his own and I have never had cause for concern about leaving him with him before. But I feel sick. I might have to think about going to stay with someone else.

Have you been in contact with Women's aid? I would at least phone them to chat through your options and get some advice. (They are for more than physical violence.)

Hi mummytime, no I haven't. I always thought my situation wasn't serious enough. But I might ring them today to get their perspective on it. Thank you.

it is serious enough - WA take all abuse very seriously...

have you got an emergency bag, if the worst should happen?

It's when a woman tries to leave that things escalate - stay safe, ok?

What an awful man.

Thank you for your replies. I feel really shaky today. DS also started at a new nursery yesterday so it was a tricky enough day for him without all this shit. I feel so guilty that I chose him such a rubbish dad.

I haven't got an emergency bag - I really thought it wasn't that bad.

I am going to phone WA today and if needs be I can go and stay with family, it's just not easy with work/childcare as they aren't nearby. I just wish H would move out and let us get on with our lives.

It's not "not that bad" - it's just not being subject to broken bones.... essentially, he's breaking your spirit, which is just as bad...

talking to WA will be great - they also have an email system if you can't get through on the phone

I'd say in some cases a broken spirit is actually worse than broken bones. Broken bones heal all by themselves, broken spirits somehow don't ever fully recover.

What, he didn't grind you down malinkey, so he's starting on your DS???

Nasty spineless little coward.

Could you try to sit him down and tell him that his treatment of his son is actually child abuse (take notes of it) and that he needs to do the decent thing and please go and stay with someone until the flat is sold?

Does he even have a decent side to appeal to?

Don't suppose by some miracle that your home is big enough to rent out to fund 2 smaller rented properties....

Hope you can get him to go, hope you can get some peaceful space for you and your DS.

One of the advantages that you are still in the same house is that you know this is going on. If he will do this in front of you, what could he do when you are not there? Definitely involve Women's Aid and I think you may need to flag his behaviour with the GP / Health Visitor. I wouldn't want a person like this given unsupervised access to a child, especially one so young. Maybe you need to investigate the possibility he should see your child in a contact centre on under proper supervision if you split up.

Thanks for your messages. I tried to ring WA today but wasn't able to get through so I've emailed them and am waiting for a response.

H has been on a roll tonight (after DS had gone to bed at least) ranting at me about money and just being petty about things in general. He was cross because I had been away with DS for a few days - I think he is jealous of our relationship. He thinks it's my fault that they have a 'difficult' relationship because he always wants mummy. I would imagine that that's common for boys at this age anyway, even those with lovely kind daddies.

He said he saw some male friends at the weekend who have children the same age and none of them have the problems with their DCs that he does.

I told him that maybe it's to do with his behaviour that DS doesn't want to be with him and told him that his behaviour last night was frightening for DS. He said that wasn't his intention and he was just trying to help him go to the toilet. So I don't think he gets it. And I'm not sure he has a decent side. He is always right.

LadyLapsang can you tell me what the GP/health visitor can do in these circumstances?

Oh what a tosser!

Boys are very often close to their mothers regardless of their dad being an abusive idiot.

You are bang on right that he is affecting the DS behaviour. when you finally get rid of him, it'll all sort itself out, you'll see!

Oh yeah, screaming at a child to help him learn how to use the toilet. that's tried and tested method that, in all the help books.

Refuse to discuss anything with him except the date when he is leaving.