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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what to do - trust has gone

2 replies

FireAndWater · 06/09/2010 13:09

First of all, no problem of OW or anything like this. But some very difficult years where we managed to the get the worst from each other.
I've had PND and then ADN. I found being a SAHM the most difficult thing in the world (not planned, I was made redundant less than a month before I was due to go back to work after dc2 birth). DH found becoming a dad a real challenge to say the least.
So we ended up in a situation where he was stonewalling me, not talking to me at all. Getting grumpy if things were not going his way. I got very emotional and in some ways 'needdy' (of his attention and his support) which just increased the stonewalling.
Last year, I ended up physically tired and emotionally exhausted. In some ways, I was so low that I had to do something. I took some steps to take care of myself, physically and emotionally and I've become more stable emotionally and much more energetic.
In the mean time, I had been working every other weekends (DH looked after the dcs) for the last 3 years and that finally stopped a few months ago. DH seems to have gone out his habit of not talking to me (My guess is that he was finding looking after them 2 days on his own too much) and is obvioulsy making some efforts to be nice and caring.

The problem is : I can't bring myself to see that as a fantastic progress and a good thing. I've lost the trust that I had in him not to hurt me emotionally (even though I know t wasn't intentional). I care for him but don't feel I love him anymore and I'm not sure I am willing to do the effort necessary to trust him again and find the spark.

Has anybody being in a similar situation and manage to get their relationship on track? If so what did you do?

OP posts:
FireAndWater · 06/09/2010 13:51

bump

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 06/09/2010 16:34

trust is a difficult thing
It is important but not everything.

As you say you have trusted him to look after dc and he can presumably be trusted to do lots of other things.

I think this may just be that you need to accept there really no-one can be totally relied on to be there for everything.
A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer and he feels he will never be able to trust that it wont happen again - he is desperatly sad and lonely but i fear he will never ever again take that step and it is holding him back from finding some happiness again.

Do you think you may be doing this - any number of things can happen to your h and as you said you dont think he deliberatly went out to hurt or let you down.
Are you looking for a way out and by using the lack of trust as an excuse?? Not being harsh there btw.

Imagine if you did 'leave' and he found someone else to be happy with - could you be happy for him too?

More than needing his support - try to trust yourself that you will cope with whatever life deals you - lovely if you have support but you dont NEED it.

Good luck

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