How do you forgive and get a marriage back on track?

[BoobyMcLeaky]

I'm almost 100% certain that DH has slept with someone else. He went out on friday and didn't come in until 5am on saturday (and then only because I'd rung him). I think I woke him up with my phonecall.

When I asked him where he was he said and a friends house, I told him I thought he was lying and he eventually said he was at a different friends house. This carried on, like pulling flipping teeth, he wasn't at his friends house, he was with his friend, he was with his friend at a party at a girls house, he was there on his own at a party, there wasn't a party, he kissed the girl. One lie after another. He hasn't admitted to sleeping with her (yet) but I am convinced he did.

The thing is I don't want to leave him, I love him and he is a good dad to our DD (7 months). But I want him to know that he has hurt me and that he has no more chances left. I have asked him to move out, he is going away with work on monday for three weeks so I've said that when he's back we'll sit down and try and sort things out. I've asked him not to contact me until he's back, I'll of course keep him up to date with DD via e-mail (he's out of the country so wouldn't be phoning too much anyway).

I suppose what I want to know is, has anyone been through this and managed to keep their marriage together at the end of it? I feel numb, the worse thing is that on friday I was told I may have skin cancer and I have to go for a biopsy this week. I can't understand why he would do this to me now when I feel so weak and feeble anyway.

"he's out of the country so wouldn't be phoning too much anyway"

He sounds like a real catch... My DP phones me every day when he's out of the country.

My dp phones at least once a day when he goes up to London - that's the same country and only 150 miles away.

If he were in another country I'd be bloody miffed if he didn't phone every night, even if it was just to say "well, nothing much has changed since yesterday, but hey, night night".

Why do you love him when he pays so little attention to you?

Not because he's great with your dd, as presumably you didn't have dd when you got together.

Not because he's such a straight guy and you trust him absolutely.

Why?

Bloody hell, I just read your last para (don't know how I missed it).

If that had happened to me, dh would have cancelled everything - even touring with the Stones! - to ensure I was OK. He'd never just leave me alone with that blow - I'd have to fight him to make him go.

He doesn't phone much when he's away because of time difference and funny shifts that he works. Although you're right, he should phone more and we've argued about it before.

Before this I did trust him, I wouldn't have waited until 5am on saturday to ring if I didn't.

He's usually a good husband, we have a good time together and he makes me happy. We have our arguments of course but on the whole our life together is lovely. I don't know what has made him do this, but I don't want it to finish us.

I can't imagine my DH going anywhere either (most companies do have compassionate leave for just these circumstances).

What friends and family do you have? You need to get them supporting you.

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a total waste of air (before anyone flames me read OPs last paragraph).

Oh you poor, poor love!

There is so much crap going on in your life at the moment isn't there?

All this happened on Saturday? You are asking how to forgive already?

OK admirable, but unless you have the full story from him, a definite and trusted display of absolute contrition.

You say he is a good dad, and that you don't want to leave him, but you also say that has no more chances left. What else has he done out of interest?

Don't get me wrong, what he has appeared to have done is bad enough, but I get the sense that there is more to this.

FWIW, I think that as he's away on business anyway for the next 3 weeks, you will have the time and space to work out what you feel about what he's done. That will only come after the initial shock has faded.

I hope that he spends the 3wks thinking about his mistakes and his betrayal, only time will tell.

In the meantime, you have this skin cancer scare, focus on that, focus on your DD, and the rest will take care of itself.

Could you ask a friend or family to come be with you, stay with you if you like, while you get through this biopsy stuff?

Keep posting, let us help you too?

You can't forgive someone who isn't sorry.

What you're seeking to do is ignore theme fact that your husband is unfaithful so you can stay married to him. That is different.

I think in your shock, you just aren't thinking straight. Forgiveness should be way off the agenda with this situation.

He has been unfaithful and has repeatedly lied to you. He's STILL lying to you, because you haven't had a full admission. Infidelity is just one of many things you might have to forgive further down the line.

You seem to be assuming that this is a one-off act of infidelity too. Why is that? He works away for long periods and doesn't contact you. His lifestyle therefore has huge vulnerabilities to infidelity.

It also sounds as though he stayed out all night and didn't even phone you to invent an excuse for why he was doing that. He is treating you with utter contempt. I expect he is also picking up on the fact that you won't leave him, what ever he does.

Him being away for 3 weeks won't resolve anything. You need to know what you are dealing with here; repeated casual infidelity, a relationship with the person he slept with the other night or a one-off, one night stand. At the moment you don't seem to know.

Have you started gathering evidence from elsewhere, i.e. his phone, his phone bills, his laptop and e mails? Given the fact that he is a liar, I wouldn't be trusting what he is saying without verification.

Please don't bury your head in the sand about this. You can only forgive someone who is genuinely sorry and full of remorse for what they've done, not that they've been caught. And critically, you can only forgive once you know everything there is to forgive.

So very sorry that this has come on top of the health scare, but that speaks volumes. You should be getting very angry about this and not thinking about forgiveness.

there is nothing to forgive here

I think you need to accept that he is an unfaithful liar and what you know is probably the absolute tip of the iceberg

then decide whether you are happy to stay in this relationship, that from your very short post sounds awfully one-sided

he certainly sounds like he doesn't think he has anything to be sorry for...and is he even saying he wants to work with you to put things right ?

I am very sorry you are dealing with this, and your health concerns too, but to be quite honest, his attitude towards this and your inevitable distress is speaking volumes

tbh I would not want to hear the details but I think you might need to know what happened and how it came about to know if you can /whether you wish to forgive him.

If you decideto put it behind you, I think forgiveness entails resolving not to dwell on it, bring it up but having once talked it through and made your decision to give him another chance, not to bring it up again. Very hard to do.

Hope things work out well for you

I don't know what job he is in, but when my hubby goes away abroad he can't phone every night, once a week if we are lucky.

Although under your circs he wouldn't be going anyway on compassionate grounds.

Op your DH does not sound vey sorry does he? I wouldn't stay with him, but that's your choice I don't know quite how you'll forgive when you probably don't know the half of it.

Disagree entirely that fogiveness involves not bringing it up again and can never really understand why anyone wouldn't want to know the details of an event that wrecked their life.

I've had a look at his fb and hotmail, nothing suspicious. I think it's someone he met on the night rather than a long running affair. I don't think he's capable of lying well enough for it to be anything like that.

I don't know if I am going to forgive him, I can't imagine not being with him though.

He is sorry, although I still don't know what it is that he's sorry for IYSWIM. I also don't know if that's only because he's worried about losing me and DD, or if it's just DD.

Emmyloulou I could ask that he stays home on compassionate grounds, but to be honest I don't want him anywhere near me just now and I think the best thing is for him to go away and leave me to think.

Personally speaking, the more details I knew, the harder I would find to let go of it I suppose. The details would come into my mind a lot.

My friend went through this kind of experience (not a one-night stand but a longer affair) and she did listen to all the details of what had happened on the advice of a therapist. She did manage to somehow put it all behind her but it was very hard.

"But I want him to know that he has hurt me and that he has no more chances left."

He won't believe a word of this if you just make him sleep on a friend's sofa for a week (great for him - he can snog all the girls he likes with freedom), go away to work for 3 weeks (not even being nagged to call you this time; but still getting to hear all his lovely DD's news via your faithful emails) then just haing to sit down and endure a spot of long-winded nagging.

Can't you see? You are doing NOTHING, NOTHING at all that might hurt him or make him think what he's losing.

You should've not called him and been gone when he got back, not answering your phone.

Now this has happened, DO NOT email him when he's away. DO NOT phone him at all ever. DO NOT contact him in any way, shape or form whatsoever. use the time to focus on you and your DD, and read some empowering self-help books or SOMEthing to grow a spine.

"He is sorry, although I still don't know what it is that he's sorry for IYSWIM. I also don't know if that's only because he's worried about losing me and DD"

What has he DONE to how he's sorry? Has he just said the words I'm sorry"? Anything else?

But OP, how can you think properly during those 3 weeks when you don't know what happened? If someone is saying they are sorry but they aren't disclosing what happened, that means they are sorry about the fall-out, not the act.

The phone is the key incidentally, not FB or E mails. I assume he has been in contact with whoever he slept with since, or was it agreed that this was one night only? There seems to be so much you don't know. Your default position seems to be that you will stay with him despite not knowing anything very much. It would be much healthier if your default position were that infidelity is grounds for divorce for very good reason and that you will go down that path unless he starts talking and telling the truth. Don't give all your power away.

I am not seeking to justify his behaviour for one instant, but could it be that your health scare and his behaviour on Friday are linked? Could he be reacting (in a pathetic way) against the scary responsibilities of his life?

I don't know if or how this would help, but if you could be sure that it was a one-off juvenile reaction to bad news, and wasn't part of a wider pattern of infidelity, it might be easier to recover from, if that it what you want to do.

Whatever the reasons, you need to know the truth and preferably not the cooked up 'truth' he will have time to concoct over the three weeks he is away.

So so sorry you are going through this. I agree entirely that your starting position should not be forgiveness.

Fear and distress makes you want to do anything to get back to 'normality', but try to resist closing off your options too soon.

I think going out to fuck another woman while your wife waits to find out if she has cancer is a little more than a "one-off juvenile reaction to bad news", it's an indication of bad character.

Somehow I had also missed that last paragraph... BoobyMcLeaky, you must be feeling so scared! How can he just go abroad while you're waiting to be told those news???

I hope it all ends up being nothing and you can forget about health issues and concentrate on your relationship.

Somehow I had also missed that last paragraph... BoobyMcLeaky, you must be feeling so scared! How can he just go abroad while you're waiting to be told those news???

I hope it all ends up being nothing and you can forget about health issues and concentrate on your relationship.

I let mine get away with this type of thing. On the few occasions when I couldn't help catching him out, I gave him a row and settled for some apologetic stuff. When he eventually fell in love with an OW, he asssumed I'd be okay with him living in both places ... I had myself to blame for that; I'd given the impression I didn't really mind

He was crap when I was ill, too.
I wouldn't settle for ANY of that, now. I'm worth care, concern, interest, appreciation and respect. So are you.

Hi BoobyMcLeaky, How I sympathise with you. I too suffered infidelity (certainly emotional, possibly physical) whilst I was undergoing cancer treatment. MY H attended only one of my 35 radiation appointments, not to support me, but so that he could say he had attended, when friends asked him about it. He wanted to appear supportive. He went to work on the day I had my operation. To a small extent I understand what is being said about juvenile behaviour. To an extent, by his romantic fling he was distracting himself from the drama of the cancer. However, he was clearly prioritising his need over mine. I think maybe he thought I would not survive, and he could not wait to explore the possibilities of my replacement. Like you I could not then face the trauma of losing him at the same time as losing my health, my job, my lifestyle and possibly my life. Besides, I needed him financially in order not to lose my lifestyle. I clung on to everything I could cling on to including him. As time passed I was able to reflect on his behaviour. He had suffered no consequences. He had not been made to suffer for his behaviour. He never confessed to anything I didn't know. He thought I would never leave him. He had no reason to change. He continued his philandering. He lied and deceived. He thought he was a good enough husband if he supported me and the children financially. Eventually I found the right time to leave him. Only when he realised that separation and divorce were a reality and that he was indeed going to face consequences, did he promise to stop his behaviour and promise to change. By then I had had enough. I left him. Oddly, as we are not old, he has just had major health problems. He wants us to reconcile. I feel pity for him. I am not abandoning him simply because of the way he treated me when I wall ill, but because his then cruel behaviour killed any affection I had for him. I have recovered, he may not. For me possibly the worst part of my long journey with cancer was the light it threw on my marriage. That caused me real pain and sorrow.

I do so understand that it is difficult to address 2 huge issues at the same time. Look after yourself first. You can address his infidelity later if that is what you want. Hugs and Good Luck

Perhaps during the 3 weeks he is away you can use the time to reflect on what YOU want? Ask yourself questions about what you want to happen in the future. Can you continue living with a man who you don't trust? In order for you to regain trust HE has to restore the trust for you. So for example as others have said his job means him working away alot, is there any chance he can change jobs? Because even if he was faithfull while working away he must accept that what he did, and lying to you means you can't trust him etc. The ball has to be in his court now if he wants to keep you surely. Sadly unless he is willing to change and rfestore honesty and trust it will all go downhill, your mind will always wonder.
Has he ever done anything like this before?

I had a busy day yesterday and couldn't get back to this thread, but I've been thinking about you all day.

BoobyMcLeaky, the situation you're in is horrid; you don't yet know the truth, your husband has been telling lies to cover his arse, you are in limbo healthwise, you don't know what there is to forgive - with luck it's only his lies and nothing else. You have a small child who needs you.

I am in agreement with Skidoodly and BEAUTIFUL. That sending him off without even the need to call you was really just giving him the freedom to do as he pleased without having to worry about you at all.

I also agree with all those who say that without the truth, the whole truth and nothing but..., and also if he doesn't show remorse (and grovel grovel grovel) then you will not be able to forgive. You will only be able to put it aside, but it will always rear it's ugly head, and keep coming up throughout the rest of your relationship.

In order to forgive him and to rebuild trust then he must TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH, and SHOW REMORSE. You may find that relationship counselling will help him give this to you. But don't expect to be able to forgive him without those two vital ingredients from him.