Just lost it with dh...

[DrSpechemin]

I feel bloody awful now.

DH has been at work for the last six days - he's in the police so long hours and weekend work.

Yesterday I did my back in so much so that I nearly fainted with pain. Called him at work to ask him if he could come home early to help me deal with the dc. He couldn't get off early so got in at 7pm by which time I was on my last legs.

Today he went back to work - I'd managed to get my parents round this afternoon to help me out as I knew I wouldn't be able to do the whole day by myself. They came round for a few hours and took the dc's to the park for a runaround.

DH rolls in an hour later with no phone call telling me he was going to be late and then asks me what's for dinner - this sent me over the edge and I yelled at him and threw a jar of something across the kitchen. Ok - I know that's not normal behaviour but I've been in so much pain I just lost it.

He's now gone out - probably to the pub. I'm still sooo pissed off with him - it's yet another example of his work taking precedent over me and the family.

Sorry - just a rant to stop me going more mad and trashing the house :(

He was very thoughtless to come in and ask what was for dinner.

However in his defence, he probably genuinely couldn't phone you or come home early yesterday. ( I am coming from the perspective of someone else who works shifts I am a mental health nurse and cannot always call to say I am late if I am in the middle of a tricky situation with a client). Like police work it is very stressful and the hours are unpredictable. It is a real pain for the parent at home (dh in our case) trying to deal with dcs especially if you are so unwell.

Sometimes I arrive home and he is at end of tether with dcs. I am usually knackered, due to do an early shift the next day (and probably on call that night too) and I am sorry to say that at times my response is why hasn't x,y been done. I never ask what's for dinner mind you, I get Mcds on the way home.

Oh I know he couldn't probably phone - he's been in the job for over five years now - and most of the time I am reasonably happy to accept the unpredictability of the job - today just sent me slightly over the edge...a mixture of pain and painkillers with bathtime and the accompanying stress that goes with sunday nights!

Am tempted to leave the key in the lock so he can't get back in [evil laugh]

It's stressful for both of you ime. :)

Hope you are feeling calmer and have wine/sufficient pain killers/chocolate - delete as applicable.

At other times I bet his hours are a positive benefit. It can be very handy having time off in the week enabling him to attend school events and so on. Bit rubbish for Christmas at times though.

Yes agree that you are both stressed.
I would hope you both apologise to each other and both try to understand eachs standpoint.
Have you told him how you feel?

Alos get more help and stop trying to 'cope' then he would see that you do need the help iykwim.

I think you are right - there is an underlying stressfulness to our lives that occasionally breaks through when things have got a bit too much.

I think because I work as well it is always me that has the 'overall' picture of what is going on in our lives - ie who needs to take what to school, what events are going on etc and dh helps if he can. I'm doing the juggling and he is just a participant in our family life rather than an equal partner iyswim.

Don't really know how to change it. DH is a great father (when he is around) and a loyal and loving husband (again when he is around!) - he does lots of cooking, cleaning etc - but it is me that coordinates everything and asks him to do things - he just wouldn't notice or think that things need doing. Sometimes it gets on top of me - balancing work, family, home and school as well as his shifts.

Why don't you tell him this and ask him what he would like to be 'in charge' of
He takes responsiblity say for doing the washing for example and if it doesn't get done there is no clean clothes so you have to go out and buy some.
A bit of an extreme example but the basic premis is. Ask him to take the responsibity of some of those things off your workload and leave him to it.