Need to vent about Weekends and DP

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I'm really struggling at the moment, brief history is, DP worked until 2pm everyday so he was home to help with our 2 children who had all sorts of behavioural issues.
He was asked by his boss to go 7-5 i asked him not to but he agreed anyway so is now leaving the house at 7 and getting back about 6pm.
I have got over this now and I'm really proud of myself, during this 6 week summer holidays i have really worked hard at being a better Mum and have changed a few things round the house, as a result the children's behaviour is really a lot better and the house is tidy and im actually enjoying being a Mum again.
However the problem is as soon as P walks through the door and at weekend the atmosphere in the house is hellish, he is constantly shouting at the children and has a really harsh tone of voice with them all the time, he wont play with them and he bickers with DS1 a lot which i think is quite pathetic DS1 is 6 ffs.
The children's behaviour starts rapidly going down hill as soon as he gets in and what is usually a lovely home environment turns sour. Weekends are unbearable the children's behaviour is a nightmare and all i hear is DP sniping and moaning about the kids and he does a lot of sighing and tutting about everything.
I'm a sick of it to the point where sometimes i dread him coming home.
I appreciate the work he is doing to support us but the difference in life with him at home and when he is at work is noticeably very different.

I don't expect him to read minds and have told him that i have been doing things a little differently and they have been working but he just wont accept it and carries on the way he has always been.

Sounds like he might have been a factor in their original behavioural problems.

could you get him to attend some kind of parenting class? - he is obviously exerting some kind of bad influence in the house.

Exactly! Phew i was starting to think i was mad or something.

He works pretty much all the time Sat and Sun morning so any class he went to would have to be either late evening or weekend afternoons, i don't think he would go anyway.

I have always been fairly tolerant of his parenting techniques he had no sort of parenting so everything he knows about parenting has been picked or comes form what he is feeling at the time or whatever.

I just don't get how he cannot understand what i am saying to him.
The problem is he wont let anything go, one of the things i have learnt and change is the fact that you really do have to pick your battles or you will be telling the kids off all day which is what he does.

Also he has an issue, if im not full of the joys of spring, then im obviously in a bad mood so we have to hear a long rant about how he shouldn't have to come home to 'this!'
I will make it clear though when im like this its actually just me being normal, i.e not uber happy but not unhappy just well me.

Its getting so hard that we argue all the time, at the moment he is sulking on the bed refusing to engage with me or the children, any conversation between us is him asking 'what my problem is?' and saying i need to 'pack my mood in?!'

Its so childish and just far to much some times, i should be looking forward to the weekends not dreading them!

He sounds like he is stuck in negative thought patterns(to sound a bit woo) and any time you try to talk to him he hears it as criticism.

Life's too short for this. It's so bloody wearing to be picking at kids for every little thing they do. I never understand why people insist of pulling kids up a hundred times a day. It would exhaust and depress me. All they hear is "nag, nag, nag" and they switch off, like anyone would. And it's not really a "parenting technique" what he is doing here-if you ask me it's just a type of dysfunctional interaction (close to bullying) with everyone else in the house and its not something that you should feel you have to tolerate.

Does he not like his job much?

It's really not good if you are dreading him coming home - it shouldn't be like this.

Could you get him to watch the supernanny programme at least? - to see if he could pick up some messages about positive reinforcement rather than his negative approach.

Sulking on the bed? Does he pull the duvet over his head?

This is NOT YOU - IT'S HIM

What are you getting out of this relationship now with this man?.

His poor influence is clearly affecting the children to their emotional detriment. Would you want your children to act like he does as adults?. No?. But you are teaching them that this is acceptable to you.

Both of you are teaching them damaging lessons about relationships.

I also cannot see this man going anywhere near a parenting class because he probably thinks he is not doing anything wrong anyway and the problems lie with you.

People rarely if ever change their behaviours particularly if these are ingrained. He may well have had an awful childhood but it is still no justification for his actions now towards you and the children.

Also sulking under the duvet sounds very passive aggressive.

sounds like emotional abusive behaviour, silent treatment, sulking, tantrums, tutting other non verbal signs of disapproval, making everything your fault.....
Sounds like my x.
google emotional abuse and see how close some of the traits are...

"I am important. You are not.

"This is the basic message that narcissistic parents send to their children. Unfortunately, they send it many different ways, verbally and nonverbally, and worse, they never acknowledge the message.

"They assume their child has to little to say about the world, and what he or she does say is insignificant. They assume their child has plenty to learn from them, but they have nothing to learn from their child. They insist the child enter their world to make contact. They don't enter their child's world because it is unimportant.

"The very same parents who deprive their children of 'voice' believe they are first rate caretakers."

From www.voicelessness.com/voicewars.html.

You cannot change a narcissist. You are not the problem, neither is it due to stress or the children's behaviour (though they are, no doubt, affected by his nasty treatment of them. Who's the child here?) It is ususal for a narcisssist to turn against his children when they reach 5 or six, and start to speak up for themselves.

Please follow some of the links on this thead. In particular, see this: "Some abusers are jealous of their offspring. They envy them for being the center of attention and care. They treat their own kids as hostile competitors."

apologies for dirty keyboard

I'll be honest, if I were working 14 hours a day with an hour's commute added in, I'd be so exhausted I would be a nightmare.

Not really an excuse: his behaviour as a dad sounds dreadful. However, he's only human.

If life is so much easier when he's not there, how about saying to him that he seems tired and fed up, and how about him going away for a few days - maybe a long-distance cycle, walking up a hill, seeing old mates (preferably married ones with kids tbh??) There are times for all of us when the four walls close in, and it would be generous of you to give him permission to run away for a few hours/days.

Also, look for moments, however fleeting, when his behaviour with the kids is working, and say how much you love it when child X enjoys a chat with him - anything you can find.

Yes, you shouldn't have to manage his behaviour, he is not a child. yes, he should think more deeply about his role as a dad. But it would be better, surely, if things did turn around and relationships improved; if you did split, the children would have a lot of time alone with him and it sounds unlikely that this woudl do them a whole lot of good?

think i would be pretty grumpy if i was working that many hours.

Certainly, but when he was less stressed and had more time with the children ... the children were more stressed. You don't need a detective to work this one out. It's nothing to to with being tired or a "bit grumpy", it's all to do with HIM. Unfortunately.

I take your point about access time if they split, maktaitai, but in reality parents like this lose interest in the kids once they've exhausted the possibilities for using them against the other parent (and have locked in their next target). I thought your idea about getting him even more busy was a good one, though. OP, is there any chance he could land a nice long contract overseas, where he can pursue his obsession (himself) unhampered by family life?

He doesn't like his job, there is an extreme case of favoritism over one particular member of staff and it makes the working life very difficult, he is the workplace dog's body and is working very long hours with hardly any breaks constantly being reminded by one of his bosses that he isn't as worthy as this other employee, i wish he would find another job but his confidence wont allow it.
The problem is he has no confidence and is cripplingly anxious and paranoid.
He can be a very good father at times but admits he just doesn't know how to deal with children having never been allowed to act like a child when he was one and having no one to learn any parental skills from.

I know this isn't an excuse but it is the main reason.

I don't want us to split up he is generally a good person and i never mean i dread him coming home because im scared or him or anything like that its just because the children's behaviour gets so bad when he is around but i understand that is because of his behaviour.

He is so insecure and feels we all hate him if he isn't getting constant reassurance, he saw a counselor a while ago but she was awful, she told him all his behaviour was normal due to his childhood but didn't tell him how to deal with it or understand it.

We have had a long chat again last night and i have said last chance, he need to lighten right up and follow my lead with the children or he has to leave.

Thanks for all your advice.

He will not change overnight and may never do so. It is all to do with HIM unfortunately.

His insecurity and paranoia is dragging you all down with him. You are not responsible for this man ultimately; only your own self and the children.

Why has your man not fully wanted to confront his demons; it may be because he does not actually want to and this situation suits him better. I think he could see a whole load of counsellors and it would not make any real difference whatsoever to his overall state of being.

His behaviour is affecting you and by turn your children; who is more important here when all is said and done. Him or them?. You have a choice re him, your children do not. You'd be better off apart.

You have to talk to him and make him realise that you all can't go on like this. You don't have to say you don't want to split up as then he has no reason to grow up and stop being a bully.

Titsalina, DP says he has all this work stress because he's the only one who gets the work done, but nobody appreciates him. You might be interested in this quote from BertieBotts on this thread:
^ XP "held the company together" he was always "the only one who ever did anything" everyone else was "useless" and he was always being told that he should move somewhere else.
Well.. when he did eventually move, his old boss told his new one "Good luck" and apparently he's been a complete nightmare. Losing customers, late, just all over the place. Wonder why he never did get anywhere?? ^

You said "he just doesn't know how to deal with children having never been allowed to act like a child when he was one and having no one to learn any parental skills from."

So he's acting like a child now ... Never grew up; is in arrested development. You're living with a small child (as well as your real children.)

what attila said - You are not responsible for this man ultimately; only your own self and the children.

there comes a point where you have to focus on you and the DC.

however "good" he is you adn DC sufer when he is around.

tehre really is only one answer to that - leave.

tho you could suggest he sees a different counsellor who works with him on his issues.

only he can solve his anxiety paranoia etc...

my ex was in similar position at work - eventually he ahd a complete breakdown with devastating consequences for us all (tho i also eventually recognized his beahvoiiour for all his excuses was within his control).

point is - he will be anxious paranoid insecure with or without you - unless he takes steps to get a new counsellor and really address the issues ... but your dc should not have to put up with this.

go live elsewhere get help and we can keep in contact - is only way forward as alternative to complete break up.