Sex after 3 children- 4, 2, 9weeks.

[Poppett]

Can anyone help me, I feel that I am probably not the only one to feel like this but I just don't want to do "it" anymore. As much as I love my hubby I just don't fancy sex. I've had the usual comment "Don't you fancy me anymore?".Then it's "just because you've got what you want now ( referring to our children) doen't mean we have to stop having sex". I just can't seem to get through to him that by the end of the day running around after 3 children I am just too tierd. It may sound silly but it is as if having sex with him has become another chore that I have to do before I can finally go to sleep at night. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it but I don't think you have to have it at least every other night because he needs "unloading". Does anyone else feel the same way or does anyone have any hints for me?

I felt the same way after having my second especially as it was very painful too, and my husband was also not too happy - he didn't pressure me or say anything like "just because you've got what you want" -totally outrageous & hurtful & not exactly an enticing invitation!

I really had to force myself - partly because I was too tired & scared of the pain, but I wanted too, patrly because I felt I should make the effort - after all - he hadn't had much during the prgnancy either - poor soul - and also I felt that it would help ease the pain in a strange sort of way. But I didn't want to do it out of desire!

Anyway, a few months down the line it's getting better - even a hint of desire as well as slightly less pain, so I'm glad I have pushed myself too, even though every time I would have rather rolled over & gone to sleep. I think it's an important part of the relationship - probably much more for him than for me and I felt that if I gave in and didn't persuade myself then i just wouldn't want to do it ever & it would become a big marital problem.
It was probably only once a fortnight at most but it kept him from getting too frustrated & upset & like I said it's getting more enjoyable.
it's a toughy - how I coped may not be for you, but I wish you well, I guess even if you can't face it you need to find some other way of convincing him that he's still desirable to you - maybe complement him more, reassure him he's still gorgeous, give him surprise kisses. I don't know, whatever works for you, but he'll be felling a bit fragile in his own way just as you are in yours.

Ditto Bo, my dd is 21 mths and I don't feel too much differently to just after she was born. A complete turnaround for me! Not sure whether its just fatigue after spending the day running round, coupled with the fact that it just doesn't feel the same!
Relaxation is perhaps the key. Try candles, warm bath and a bottle of your fave red (or whatever). It usually works for me.
Poppett - I have friends who feel the same, so you are definately not alone!

He's done it 3 times, what's his problem!

Try in the morning instead and at the weekend and he'll just have to make you interested! KY jelly is useful!

poppett, do the older 2 go anywhere at the weekend - like grandma's - for the day? and does the baby sleep for a reasonably long stretch any time during the day? because while you are bound to be exhausted and right off it by bedtime, you might manage a little afternoon delight!

i'm in exactly the same boat and find that having a laugh with hubby about life or something amusing at work or home , really helps relax and i find that if we are getting on like we used to as a couple of best buds is part way there. we went to see league of gentlemen together and i felt like a teenager again. Sex does help , but only if you want to do it -I'd rather chat on mumsnet to be honest! Very sad i know -but this another way of alleviating the stress!!

Thanx everyone for your advice. The girls could go somewhere at the weekend, and our boy is actually quite a good sleeper but I usually find that just when he seems to have some sort of day time routine he then goes and buggers it up!!. I'm also a bit reluctant to leave him as I'm breastfeeding- I know I can express but until he's got a more definate day time routine I wouldn't want to leave him too long. I can't say it is just my fault as the hubby is just as tierd when he come home from work. He has got out of the habit of asking in the morning if we are doing it that night- as if we have to schedule it in our calander!. We spend most evenings like zombies in front of the telly and then it's are we having sex tonight- not exactly the best turn on. I think we might have to see if nanny and grampy will have the kids for the weekend and take it from there. It's wierd really but sometimes we get more stuff talked about if we have a bath together. I did really hurt him before I found out I was pregnant by telling him that I would be quite happy if he said he was turning celibate. Give me a good goss session anytime. I feel better knowing that it's not just me that feels this way. I hope all your advice works

I'm glad I'm not alone - I've also had the " you've got what you want comments"! I really don't feel like it anymore and am getting heartily sick of the "well, everybody else....." type of arguments. I don't know what's wrong - but feel that 39 is far too young to give up the ghost!

Dear Poppett,
You do know that breastfeeding reduces your libido don't you? The hormone which supplies the milk is the bad guy, I've been told. So maybe things will get better when you are not breastfeeding round the clock and baby is taking solids and other drinks.

I had exactly the same problem, tiredness and breastfeeding, the children take all your energy.

How curious! After my first child, we didn't have sex 'til he was 8 months old-I never thought of it 'til you mentioned it -but I also stopped breastfeeding when he was 8 months old! Just told hubby this and he doesn't feel as worried about his attractiveness/ apparent lack of!!

I think that sex is a very important part of a relationship, but I can't help thinking that your husband is being a bit unreasonable. I worried about this alot just after I'd given birth, and I came to dread it. When we did start again properly, when the baby was 6 months old, I remembered what I liked about it. The baby was on three meals a day and my periods had just returned, (I was breastfeeding up until then) so I figure that my body was telling me it was ok to start again. I've told my husband that next time there's going to be no sex for the first six months after the birth. That way he won't feel rejected (hopefully) and I won't feel under so much pressure.

I wrote about lack of libido on another thread somewhere. It took me a really long time after my son was born to feel any sexual desire at all. I would say about 15 months. I had a ghastly birth and a very uncooperative small non-sleeper and was so exhausted that sex was just something preventing me from going to sleep. That is not to say that I didn't make the effort but it really was out of love for my dh, than any desire myself. However, after a few weeks of consistent sleeping and taking Agnus Castus (herbal supplement) I rediscovered my libido. So there is hope Poppett - just give yourself time!

Interested to hear the reference to agnus castus as I've jsut started taking that for pms

Poppett et al you are not alone I get the usual "well everyone else is doing it more than us" thrown at me all the time as well as "you don't love me anymore" god I wish men wouldn't equate love and sex as utterly linked.

I find that if we are getting on well I want to have sex - but if he is being a whingy so and so whats attractive about that. I'm not even allowed the "I am so knackered" excuse because I get well it wouldn't matter how tired I was I'd still want to have sex/make love to you...

Vibrators help to get you in the mood if you are happy to share! But it does depend on the type of person you are!!

Tlb, I found the agnus castus worked very well for the emotional symptoms of PMT but I had much worse first day cramping and pre-period thrush too while I was taking it. However, it did seem to work wonders for my libido, so maybe I just needed to adjust the dose down a bit.

What is it with men, they seem to think that everything comes down to sex, if we still fancy them, love them. I dunno, its ok for my husband to fall asleep but if I do it and he wanted some then I get a bit of a moan. Well girls I think we just have to accept they will always be like this and just ignore them.
God reading this back it sounds if I dont care, I do, I enjoy sex with my husband but I breastfeed so suffer with drive abit and my husband has a very high sex drive, so we clash over it now and again.

God, i can't believe you have a 9 week old and your husband is harping on about when you're next going to have sex! I have a one year old and didn't make love for at least 3 months after she was born, and I didn't have 2 other children to look after. I think he's being a little insensitive. I was very conscious of our change in sex life but found that when I had the courage to discuss it my partner totally understood. I needed to explain that I still found him attractive, loved him, etc, but sometimes sleep seemed even more attractive!! I've found that a really good 'mood enhancer' is a night out together, on our own, laughing again, drinking a little too much (!), etc. Although we can't do this as often as we'd like (no family around, etc), if you can get out for a night together it really does help your 'mood'. Hope this helps.

Interesting how many of us have had similar experiences! I don't think you can do a days work or have great sex (or even OK sex) unless you are getting a good night's sleep but maybe thats just me. Whenever my husband wants sex and I don't feel like it, I just do it 'manually' for him, and that seems to do the trick in the short term anyway. Anyone else found this?

Yep Zaria, been there too, but after a while he says he wants to please me ,all very gallant I know but I know that really it's not the same as actually having sex. I think it all boils down to the fact that as soon as we have kids our priorities change and they can't get used to the fact that they are not top of our list any more - allbeit not by much but enough to make a difference to them. Before kids my priorities were hubby work me. Now it's kids hubby house me. Funny how we are always last on our list - or is it just me?.

No Poppett Im last too. Daft isnt it, perhaps we should put ourselves higher once in a while and we never know how different things would be.

Found this really useful...especially the breastfeeding link...think that the contraceptive bit of breastfeeding is due to decreased libido and all round level of reduced "action" rather than any hormonal effect. I also find that my lack of interest in sex after pregnancy whilst still breast feeding is due to an altered body image..with engorged,leaking breasts, sore nipples, stretch marks, exhausted saggy body - a collicky baby either screaming or sucking 24/7...(my youngest is 7 weeks...plus another 2 under 3yrs)........I find it hard to morph into love-sex goddess between breastfeeds sorry!!!

I had a cesearean 3 months ago and my hubby and me had our first go at sex last night, and it hurt I felt quite bruised and it was painful enough for me to ask him to stop. Has anyone else had this problem?

Mindie-yes, this sounds fairly familiar. After ds1 (CS after failed induction) the first few times that dh and I had sex it was painful. Bruised and stingey sensation if I remember correctly. I thought it was down to the constant lochia loss (6-7weeks worth) that was perhaps irritating the vaginal walls. Once that stopped and after a few normal weeks, sex was fine again, although my libido left a lot to be desired. That didn't really perk up again until I stopped breastfeeding, and sex became more spontaneous, rather than squeezed in, in ds1 nap times! CS again this time for ds2, 3weeks ago, and I'm afraid we just havent got round to it yet!! So dont know if it will be any different 2nd time around.

Mindie, I had a c-section, and found sex totally painful afterwards. However, I discovered that in fact it had nothing to do with the c-section, but was a result of the lack of lubricating juices because of breastfeeding. My ob-gyn in the usa prescribed me a lubricant cream that contained estrogen and that helped a little, but not much. But as soon as I weaned my son down to one feed a day (this wasn't until 11 months...much to my huband's dismay) sex stopped hurting and I started enjoying it again. I guess it's nature's contraceptive (though don't rely on it too much).