I want to talk to other women whose partners work away from home a lot

[YunoYurbubson]

My husband works in another country from Monday to Friday. He leaves 1st thing Monday morning and generally gets home on Friday evening.

I bet I am not the only MNer dealing with the issues that this situation throws up. I wondered if anyone else would like to join me in a bit of mutual support, and some advice on how you make it work for you.

We have only been doing this for a few months.

This weekend I found myself actually looking forward to Monday night when the house would be all calm again and I could curl up on the sofa with my choice of tv, my choice of supper, and me entirely in charge of the children.

I am mortified and guilty that I even thought it. Dh does NOT deserve it. He is a lovely chap who does half of everything when he is here.

I know he feels a bit pushed out of family life, like a weekend lodger. He got a bit peeved about the glasses being in another cupboard which is not like him at all, but the kitchen used to be his domain and I think it was symbolic of everything puttering along quite nicely without him.

I'll stop rambling.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Many times over the years.

Something that really helped me was getting him to take the DCs off for their Saturday mornings (sports clubs term time, any other activity out of the house in the hols). It reconnected him with them, and gave me some time off.

Here, dh works away 3 nights a week on average, and though I love him to bits, I do find everything easier to manage when he is not here - especially being in full charge of the children!

"This weekend I found myself actually looking forward to Monday night when the house would be all calm again and I could curl up on the sofa with my choice of tv, my choice of supper, and me entirely in charge of the children."

OH yes. No tantrums at bedtime, watching eastenders, eating toast for supper if i want.

My DP was working away 3-4 nights a week. Hasn't done it for a couple of months and I miss the peace a bit.

Oh me, for the last five years and now because travel is so expensive he's not getting home every weekend, only every second or third weekend, and I'm stuck in a foreign country with two young DC's.

And I know that I love having the house to myself and get very narked with DH when he moves things, he changes things in the kitchen every time he comes home because he thinks it's more logical, I've sworn that the next time I visit his flat in the UK I'm going to change it all around.

DC's miss him, but with Skype etc they get along fine. DH doesn't really back me up on bad behaviour with the DC's either, I think because he's not here all the time he just wants to have fun with them, but I do feel like the mean parent doing all the reprimanding, homework and generally keeping on top of behaviour.

I think a thread like this is a good idea.

I know exactly what you mean. Dh until recently has worked away from home for contracts usually running from something like 11 days on then a weekend off.

I eagerly used to await his return but by the end of the weekend I was (secretly) looking forward to being "in charge" again.

It's not an easy situation and as Dh has now been out of work for all of this year he does, on occasion, do my head in. At his age the chances of any more work (heavy steel work) are diminishing rapidly

Yes.

I always liked some time on my own and it suits me fine. I like surfing in the evenings, chat on the phone etc with hair removing cream on my upper lip . I don't do this when he is here.

My dh travels with work off and on and is usually gone for a week M-F. At one point when the older dc were preschoolers he was gone 12 out of 16 weeks. It isn't so much now, maybe 3 or 4 weeks a year.

I was resentful a bit at first, but then thought what the heck, shift to plan B and no problem...

And as many posters say it really isn't so bad.

My dh sort of in a nice way (sounds like I'm justifying) tends to second guess me like when I am getting our current toddler a cup of milk, he'll suggest a juice box. So I'll leave him to it and let him serve her.

I don't miss that sort of thing-generally throwing a wrench into the works.

The thing that kind of irks me now is that his travel is usually to lovely places by an ocean and he is using that as his "get away break" time (he isn't actually taking time off) and the family didn't get to go on holiday this year. I try not to begrude him about it, he is severely overworked and deserves this sort of 'perk'.

That does sound a little selfish, but I am currently trying to stop discounting my needs.
Go off without him, I know, but we can't really afford it.

Yes, a good thread, thanks, Yuno.

Hmm hubby goes away for 6 months at a time. It's tricky as I get used to him being away and I like it.

He comes home and I am delighted but it screws my whole routine up, he has been gone for a long time and I don't like my space being invaded again, he feels pushed out, it's normal don't feel guilty.

We sometimes do the whole mon-fri thing nd it's the same.

Please can I join you? DP works away 3 or 4 nights a week; but unusually he is away Thurs/Fri-Mon/Tues. Because we work on totally different schedules; I am at work or uni in the week when he is off, I do get pretty lonely.

This summer he has been away for a week or 10 days at a time, with a few days at home in between as we are making proverbial hay....

It is worse at the moment as I am 32 weeks pregnant and panicking about how things will be after the birth with a newborn and DS. I know I will cope, but I think its going to put extreme strain on our relationship.

We just need to hang on until its feasible for us all to move to London where the majority of DPs work is, I have resisted it for a long time, but can't see another way. It looks like that can't happen for around 2 years though.

Sorry for my moaning essay, I have had my first fit of hormones today and been weeping down the phone at the poor man immediately before spotting this thread!

Hi can i join? Although my DH does not work away too often his hours mean that we usually go 3 or 4 nights a week without seeing each other and the DC don't usually see him at all Mon- Thurs as he leaves at 6.20am (and Ionly see him in a bleary eyed way!!).
When the DC were very small I resented this in a big way and felt rejected and put upon. Even tho that was really a bit unfair as it is work that he is at not some sort of social thing!
Anyway over the years (DS1 is 6 now, DS2 5 and DD 3) I have grown used to it and to be honest quite enjoy our life this way. He will try to get home if I have some where to go or I get a friend to babysit.
I really hate it when he is there in the mornings. We get totally thrown and it usually ends up in tears. The DC are used to his absences and he is a great father when he is here. I sometimes think I am a bit 'strange' to like it this way but its seems others of you do too! What a relief.

Mine leaves here at 5am on a Monday, and comes back on Thu or Friday. My DC are teenagers, so much easier, but I'm finding it hard to come home from work, make dinner, check that they've done their homework etc, and be the only one on taxi-driving duty, especially if they're needing picked up from two different places at the same time.

I know DH would rather be here with us, but sometimes I resent him going abroad and staying in a lovely hotel, with ironed bed-linen, enjoying a meal with interesting colleagues, then having breakfast cooked, before strolling to the office.

But at least he's hanging onto his job, so I can't really complain.

My DH doesnt work away, but works 12 hour continental shifts, so a lot of the time I wont see him between his first and last shift apart from while we're both asleep

Plus he's planning a lot of overtime now I'm on mat leave (36 weeks atm)

Hooray! I knew it wasn't just me!

Hello everyone.

Lol at us all enjoying the peace when we're in charge. And feeling guilty.

And YES to feeling jealous about the nice clean hotels and eating out and no housework or broken nights or Dora The Explora. The other week my husband was ill while he was away and he spent two days in bed. Was I sympathetic? Was I hell. How very farking lovely for him that he gets to go to bed for two days when ill. Me, I just soldier on with two bored children hanging from my aching limbs.

WhatTheFrack - I'm in a foreign country too. We went to all the trouble of emigrating and now I'm stuck thousands of miles from home while dh is elsewhere. But as AgentProvocateur says, at least he still has employment. We're doing better than most out here.

Giddyup - sorry to hear you've been finding things a bit much. It must be harder being preg. I'd quite like to get pg again, but (a) my husband is never bloody here!, and (b) hmm... a newborn in the mix will make things extra fun. I think actually we will have to make a drastic change if I do get pg. It is one thing dh feeling distanced from the kids and I because he already knows and loves us. I couldn't bear the thought of him not properly getting to know the next one. He already finds that 2yo ds has changed again every weekend.

dh does a lot of business travel. Has done for the past few years. He is off to the US again tomorrow for a week, then NZ. I'm like you, I quite like the house to myself with dc in bed and the quiet in the evening. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with dh. He is a good father but I think once you have dc, you have so little time to be you and do your own thing, that it is quite nice.

My DH is a long haul pilot. He's away about 50% of the time and since July its fallen so he's been away almost every weekend.

I find it really hard, especially having both DCs on my own all weekend when I've been working during the week. I also really resent him. I try not to, but unlike some of your DPs who are working while they are away, DH flies to a destination, then has time off there, then comes home. So while he's away, it really feels like he's getting a break, he stays in nice hotels, eats out, can go to the gym or sight seeing /shopping etc. While he is away, I do everything at home, when he comes back, I still do most of the stuff and he complains a lot about jetlag. Its very tough and harder than I thought it would be. I also really hate feeling like a single parent most weekends.

Any support here would be very welcome.

That sounds very wearing purplearmadillo.

Weekends are very much harder than weektimes because at the weekend there is this feeling that everyone else is having fun with their family.

Have you spoken to him about how things are from your perspective? I have to say that jet lag or not, I would expect him to come home and crack on with everything giving you a break.

My dh is tired when he gets back, but he is tired of work not children. He only gets 2 days a week to read The Gruffalo 12 times in a row, or pretend to be a lion, or play playdoh so he has to just get on and do it even if he's tired and would rather be falling asleep in front of a Top Gear repeat. His time away is his chance to catch up on sleep.

I am struggling this weekend, as dh has been away all week and going away again tomorrow. I can totally empathise with those saying that it is easier sometimes when they aren't here - I can just get on with things in my own time and in my own way - home life just seems, well, less complicated.

I have been feeling really guilty about this and reading alot more into it than is probably necessary (ie there is something wrong with our relationship).

It is good to know that I am not the only one with these feelings.

to me it sounds like a great idea. You get your own space and then wonderful quality time at the weekend where you're actually excited to see each other.

He's doing it for the family and you're keeping the family together so don't feel guilty. Enjoy Eastenders/Mistresses/box sets of Sex and the city! I'm so jealous!

I cope I have 3 children two of which are severe SN and I ma 32 weeks with our last.........his idea funny that.

I battled with my conscience for all of what 5 days....... of feeling guilty I want him to go sometimes, it's really, really common.

Oh, me too, DP works away quite a lot of weeks. He made it to our 20 week scan this morning and then has flown off to Germany for the rest of this week. He was really upset as he'd categorically told them he couldn't go till tomorrow but the customer meetings were changed. I figured there was no point pushing it, if there had been a problem he would have stayed but it's all ok.

He's banned from travelling next Jan & Feb by his boss as our first dc is due at the end of Jan & then he's supposed to be on restricted travel for the rest of the year. I'm not sure what that means yet nor how we'll cope when it comes to me returning to work after my mat leave. I figured that I need to relax about this for a bit longer!

That blooming ash cloud earlier in the year had him stranded in northern Finland, took him 5 days to get home.....

Still, on the plus side, when I've been feeling carp it's been great to go to bed at 8.30pm and crash out with a good book and a mug of tea. :)

I have posted along similar lines before, feeling guilty about looking forward sometimes to DH being away - he is not away as much as yours, but it's a difficult situation for all - when it is his "travelling time" we are all at sixes and sevens when he is here and are much calmer when he is away... awful as similarly we all love him dearly, as he does us, but it's unsettling and does have its challenges...

So don't feel guilty at all. Look forward to him being back and planning something for then.

You both have your "jobs". You are both doing your best to make life work for all of you, it's not easy, but just keep supporting each other and take a deep breath at the appropriate points if necessary.

YY, we have talked about it. Not really found any answers yet though.

I get what people are saying about getting into their own routines while their other halves are away. DH used to go away for longer periods and then I'd find I missed him but resented it when he came back and started interfering with my life!!