when will it end

[pineapplecube]

H left me for another woman in february after 20 years. I have had it all first the shock, the anger, the grieving etc

Why does it still hurt so much...when he comes to pick up 4 year old every sunday i feel upset all over again and always have a little cry. He is so far moved on and living in his wonderful rosy world. I am still attracted to him and find that very hard to deal with. It has been 7 months and i just want the pain to END. I feel as if it never will.

He was a drinker,verbally abusive after drink, crap with money. He had affairs then he left me after 14 years for another woman was with her for nearly a year then we eventually got back together after 6 months after him begging.

Now he has gone again. Why am so attached still when since he has gone he has been so utterly vile to me and even told me he actually hates me...i dont know why he hates me when he is the one who left. we have 3 kids together. Rubs it in about his great new life and goes round tellin people he is happier than he has ever been in his life.

i just want to shake myself and say NO MORE. I want to look at him and think yuk. I have had 2 dates but just compare them to him yet he is a TOSSER. It has been 7 months when will it end???

it will take time pinapple, you need to find out who you are in yourself now, reconnect with you. Perhaps it's too early to date just now.

Try not to demand so much of yourself, of course it'll take longer than 7m to get over a 20yr relationship.

Men don't grieve the way we do, they move on cos it's mostly physical, we are more cerebral.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you will come through this a better person, I promise.

You will soon see that you are better off, you are free from the walking on eggshells if he's had a skinful, you know where the money is, and he can't hurt you/deceive you betray you anymore.

If it really is too painful to see him, hear his bollocks about his new life (if you have to go around telling everyone, then it's not that real IME..) then could you get a friend to come and do the hand over, while you skulk in the kitchen or wherever? don't let him in the house, he lost that right.

Come on girl, best foot forward, head held high, it's HIS loss not yours!

Pineapple I have no magic wand for you but I did not wnat you to think nobody heard you.

I too was with my ex for nearly 20 years he cheated on me, treated me badly, all that stuff left me for a woman 25 years younger than me and his life seems like a bed of roses, whilst I am left to live in the charred remains of our life together.

It's not easy but it really does get better, some people do say it takes a month for every year you were together to get over somebody. I am not sure about that but what I will say is that yes it does get better.

I am now just over 2 yrs forwards and it took about a year before i could even think about him without crying. You will compare new dates to him and when you meet the right person you will still compare but the new guy will come out better.

I hope you can take one day at a time and soon wiser MN ladies will come along and help you with their support and very wise words I am sure.

As I said no miracle cures here but stay strong and try to find some positivity somewhere.

LittleMissHissyFit, how can you say men don't grieve like us? I've seen male friends in deep long-term distress and take years to move on after being left.
This guy however sounds a little less capable of finer feeling!

This is absolutely fascinating. Well, it might bore the life out of you, I suppose, but I found it fascinating!

Basically, how this relates to getting over a less than ideal relationship is that for years you've been concentrating on the positives, trying to convince yourself that honestly he is a good, or good enough, husband, especially that you did the right thing letting the cheating so-and-so worm his way back into your life. You've been in the habit of holding on to anything good, of reminding yourself daily why you love him, and telling yourself that the bad bits weren't so bad and you'd have been really sorry to have let him go. Even though you know he wasn't great, and you're clearly an intelligent and realistic person in most areas of your life, you've been rationalising about him for a large chunk of your life.

Now, of course, you don't have the choice because he's fecked off like the self-serving toad he always was. Now is the time to take off the rose-tinted etc, but you've worn them for so long, absolutely glued them to your face when he came back to you before, that you naturally feel very funny without them. Your insides need to be re-educated to stop lying to you.

That's my theory anyway - well, poached from other people's theories - amateur psychology is a wonderful hobby! But it does make sense to me and maybe it will to you too.

If you want to end this feeling, I suggest you get some counselling, as soon as possible, and not just about this most recent split - but about how you see men, how you see your place in the world, and your self-worth.

I don't mean to sound mean, but your post rings alarm bells with me about why you have put up with this man for so long, and why you seem to need him so much, despite him treating you like shit.

Could it be that you have been emotionally worn down by him over many years and because of this you judge your self worth by how he views you? Coupling this with the fact he left it would make life after him very emotionally difficult.

Maybe you are not ready to meet someone else just now and need to be on single to figure out who you are. It has been a short time for a relationship that lasted most of your adult life.

Why not focus on doing things that make you feel good on the Sundays or arrange to meet up with a friend to take your mind off it.

xkittyx, IMHO most men don't grieve, they just go out and get another gf to dull the pain. Of course there are some that don't but they are rare IME.

I don't think they look at relationships the same, or at women the same as we do