DH Thinks it's selfish for me to want to do somthing for myself

[Sugarmag]

For the last four years I've been working from home for my husband's business. It helps keep us all sane because it means I've got lots of flexibility and helps reduce his working hours. But I've also got a degree in psychology and 10 years experience working as a database programmer (BC!). So working part-time from my house entering spreadsheets and typing up newsletters is not exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Although it works for both of us at the moment we've talked a lot about the fact that it probably won't be forever and that at some point I would like get back into psychology or go back to uni or something.

Anyway, a few months back I started looking into Childline. I thought this would be something I could do that would really interest and challenge me and could be done evenings/weekends without interfering too much with kids and job and stuff. So I just started my training, which I am absolutely loving. And on a technical level DH is doing what I need him to do - ie looking after the kids when I'm doing the training - which to him is being supportive. Except every time I try to talk to him about it he only has negative things to say.

We did some difficult things in the training this week which I think I did pretty well at and ended up feeling really good about myself. I thought - 'Yeah, I can do this'. Then I come home only to have DH tell me that he thinks

1. the whole thing is a waste of time because it's not a real job and

2)it's very unfair of me to want to do something for myself because it's inconvenient to other people!!

So now I don't knwo whether to be angry at him or sad that he doesn't understand how much this means to me or pissed off because he thinks he can just say hurtful things to me....

Sorry, going to be really controversal just now and I know I'll incur everyones wrath.

I think excusing his really bad behavouir on the fact he's a man is wrong. It's denying how mean he's being, men don't need to be enlightened just honest and caring. And before you all laugh yes I am married (for years) and have 2 ds's. So I'm surrounded by them! But although dh does sometimes totally amaze me with how different he is to me I think your dh is behaving way out of line and the fact he's a man gives him no excuse for treating you like you're his inferior.

Hi Sugarmag,

Can I offer a possible smudge of blokey insight, which may be miiiiiiiles off, but anyway....

Your very first line I think is v. v. important:

"For the last four years I've been working from home for my husband's business. It helps keep us all sane because it means I've got lots of flexibility and helps reduce his working hours."

Could some of the 'lack of understanding' (actually, us psych heads might go with a limited 'phenomenal field' - ie. his inability to see how much all this stuff means to you, how important it is for you to further your career in psychology or your IT skills) actually just be that he's very worried abou the impact on his timetable, workload and job satisfaction by NOT having you around / involved so much.

I think he might really get a big kick out of sharing his work with you and getting your assistance. I'm sure you make a great team, IYSWIM... even if he knows he can still sort out all his appointments and commitments etc. he would be losing his 'right hand man' - so to speak... his buddy. His colleague, as well as his partner, to some degree IYSWIM...

Might that possibly explain the stubborness / reluctance / mixed messages / 'man-stress' etc. ?

HTH a bit and I'm not being overly psychologically booooooring.

Hey ssd - no wrath but I do think you got a bit of the wrong end of the stick. 1) I didn't excuse his behavior. In the end I actually got an apology. Granted it was by text message, but still it was a pretty good apology nonetheless. 2)Pretty much most of the comments I make about MEN (with a capital M) are jokes. I do think men adn women are basically different but I would never allow that to be an excuse for not treating me with respect.

And hub2dee - comments from a Man gratefully appreciated. And yes, you've got it at least partially right. The whole idea of me changing jobs or furthering my own career will mean extra workload for him. Even asking him to watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday meant rearraning his schedule as he usually does a lot of work from home over the weekends. So when he said that he was stressed about his workload (this was part of the apology BTW) and said some things he didn't mean then I understood. He has also managed to sort out Saturday so that's it's fine for me to go.

The only thing wrong with what you're saying is that we're not really a 'team'. Or at least not an equal team. His field is quite specialised and there is no way I would ever be able to do more than just 'help out'. And I don't mean to sound conceited but for me that's just not enough in the long run. Does that make sense?

hmmm... I bet he sees you as part of the team, even if you don't because you feel the subject matter is v. specialised etc.

I bet you sometimes discuss stuff, come up with ideas, rework lecture notes / slideshows etc. think of a different / new / oddball slant to some small aspect of his work... call colleagues on the phone to arrange stuff / get stuff sorted / Make Things Happen etc. etc.

Am I really wrong ????

He just is probably only realising this now stuff is starting to pile up, or some hours are being threatened with childminding etc...

re: "I don't mean to sound conceited but for me that's just not enough in the long run. Does that make sense?". Absolutely... and you are doing the right thing, and you should do it... I was just banging on about how it might feel to him...

TBH, and I might be way, way off, I think you've had enough of looking after kids nearly 100% of the time and not working your (obviously functioning) brain. . Suggest a baby sitter for two hours and a heart-to-heart stroll in the park, preferably holding hands, with his mobile turned off.

Sounds like the "it probably won't be forever and that at some point I would like get back into psychology or go back to uni or something" is something he thought you'd never actually get round to doing. It sounds like he's a bit scared of what changes will occur if you are successful at it. Also, he sounds jealous as you are following a dream of sorts.

Good luck with it, keep at it. He'll get used to it soon.

(just wanted to add re: 'looking after kids' - I have no clue what you actually do, so apologies if this is wrong / irrelevant etc.)

Sugermag, the men here are giving you better advice than me. Accept you don't excuse his behavour purely as he is a man.

Just makes me people who do.

It's ok ssd - I didn't take offence and I do see your point. And you're right the men have offered some pretty sound advice. In any case, DH says he was in a bad mood the other night, admits he says some stuff he shouldn't have and says he does support me in this so I think we're back on track at least for the time being. I don't know if we'll manage the stroll in the park but I'm thinking takeaway, wine and chocolates once the kids are in bed.

Enjoy!

sounds lovely. I'd txt him re: your (possibly) sordid intentions following the wine and chocolate and he will be putty in your hands for the whole weekend.