Namechanger here. Too ashamed to discuss this under my usual login.
DH and I cheated on other people with each other in our late teens. We had a destructive fling - he was leaving the country to work abroad, I was reeling from an abusive childhood. Lots of going out clubbing, taking drugs, exhibitionist sex, threesomes.
DH left the country, we stayed in touch via the internet. I got in an abusive relationship and ended up pregnant, had DD1 when I was 21 and turned my life around. Things were hard for a long time (single mum living in a bedsit), but I went to uni part-time, changed my outlook totally, did a lot of soul searching. Meanwhile DH was having a great time in quite debauched surroundings (don't want to be too specific but the young expat community there was quite extreme).
He came back to the UK to visit quite often and would always make a point of seeing DD and me. I remember once I had a uni deadline and he took DD out for the day so I could get some solid work done. We talked online a lot. Basically we became very close friends.
He had a series of short flings abroad but nothing serious.
Then he invited me and DD to come and visit him. I jumped at the chance (he paid for our air fares). We spent the whole summer with him - DD and I would explore in the daytimes while he was at work. He took time off work to take us to things, he arranged for a colleague's nanny to look after DD so I could do some stuff alone. He introduced me to his friends - who were all really wild and friendly - and encouraged me to go out in the evenings sometimes while he stayed with DD (or hired a nanny). We socialised with his colleagues who had children.
It was a life-changing experience. DH and I did sleep together a few times while I was out there (big ex-pat flat, DD and I had our own rooms). He was very affectionate.
I realised when we got back to the UK that I had fallen for DH. I kept it to myself of course but on my 23rd birthday he turned up at my flat with a bunch of flowers with no warning. During that visit he confessed he had feelings for me, I told him I felt the same. He went back abroad but had been asked to consider moving back to the UK office of his company and took them up on the offer.
He came back and stayed with me and DD for a few days until he found a place to live. That turned into us getting a place to live together (I had a ok job by this point and DD was in reception). It was all perfect actually. Except for one night in the very early days when he went out with friends from his office abroad and didn't come home. The next day he told me he had slept with one of his friends from the other office (they had had sex before, out there). I was really upset and as a result of conversations which arose from that he promised to commit fully to DD and me.
A couple of years later having got married we decided to TTC. Ran into some problems there and I had three miscarriages in a row. DH was asked to relocate (with us as his family), back to the country he had worked in before. We all wanted to do this and were researching schools for DD when DH suddenly lost his job. He found a new one quickly but without travel prospects. The industry he was in has pretty much collapsed since (him losing his job was part of the first wobble).
Things went wrong from there really. DH was in retrospect depressed about everything but I was so wrapped up in my own misery at the m/cs that I didn't really pay attention. Got pregnant with DS. It was a troubled pregnancy and I was very ill. DH ended up doing the vast majority of the childcare while I was in and out of hospital or too sick to take care of her properly. He was overlooked for a promotion he wanted, probably as a result.
DS was born, I had terrible PND and began taking antidepressants. I was also drinking. DH and I just interacted about the children really, no meaningful discussions.
I then started an emotional affair with a mutual friend. I cannot explain or excuse that at all. DH found out and confronted me. He said the only thing stopping him from dumping me was the kids.
I went into therapy immediately and worked very hard to rebuild DH's trust. DH was angry for a long time but we had counselling together and things did get better.
DS is 4 now (DD is 11). Everything is fine. Except for my guilt. Recently I think I have been getting depressed again and part of this is obsessing over the past. I am convinced DH will have an affair. I am convinced he wants to leave and is only staying for the children. We have been having arguments where he says I am a bad mother. I haven't worked since DS was born and the plan was always that I would find something once he started school but I don't have the confidence to even start looking.
DH keeps telling me to just try volunteering - we don't need me to work for money reasons, he just wants me to have more of a life. He has started talking about how things were all those years ago when we were teenagers and has said he doesn't recognise the wild child or the strong single mum and what has happened to me.
I am on anti-depressants again but they are just making me feel flat and hopeless. have tried 3 different types with the same result. I want to go to therapy again but DH is being slightly obstructive. I suggested couples therapy again but he said "if we need to see someone to fix our marriage then it's already over".
I look at myself from the outside and I see a waste of space. I don't do anything, I don't really socialise even. I love being with the DCs but often lose my temper with them for no reason. DH hasn't touched me in months.
We were going to stay with his parents this weekend, they live in the country. We had a huge fight about his parents on friday - I was probably looking for an excuse not to go. He said I should stay then and he and the DCs went without me. I have spent the weekend so far crying and doing nothing.
I am breaking the marriage, aren't I. I just can't see a way through this. I don't know how things have gotten this bad.
If my DH wrote a post here about me I am sure that everyone would say "if you are not happy then leave". I would say that too. I haven't asked him why he is still here because I am afraid of the answer.
Can anyone help?