Please help someone - can't get past the past

[alltoomuchtoday]

Please would someone come and talk to me. I'm feeling awful and really need some advice from someone who may have been in my shoes.

My marriage split 3 years ago and I have met someone else about 6 months ago. We love each other to bits and he is wonderful. But I seem to have a problem.

my xh was, in my opinion, Narcissistic and I had a hell of a time with him, in fact I still do. He was abusive every which way and made my life hell. My personality changed completely and I am still struggling to get back to how I was before - I think. I actually don't know anything at the moment.

Because of the previous abuse, I am terrified of him bringing up issues with me. There were a few things this morning - only minor - but I fell to pieces again - crying, shaking, feeling sick with fear. Fear of him leaving and fear and hatred of myself for not seeming to be able to make anything work. I can only think in terms of blame and apologies for what I perceive I have done wrong. dp says it's not a case of doing anything wrong just sorting stuff out.

I can't do relationships anymore - I just don't know how. Feel like I'm being attacked when I'm not. So terrified of arguments and being found fault with. My xh used to pick me up and make a big deal about everything.

Can't cope with this.

anyone?

Your past relationship was so bad it has left you scarred, defensive and a bit lost. You say that you can't do relationships and this may be true, because you have not yet recovered and are unsure of who you are, what you want and how to communicate these things. I feel that you no longer trust yourself, never mind other people (especially those who are interested in you). That said, if your current partner is loving and supportive there may be no need to end this relationship. Can you speak to your GP about getting counselling as I think that you need a little help and guidance to get back to you.

You say it was just minor stuff this morning , yet you ended up very upset , so it wasnt minor to you at the time was it ?

How did your partner react to this ? And what did he actually bring up and in what way did he communicate this to you ? You say you feel like your being attacked ,,,,are you ?

that how your session with a councellor should start

find one and try to understand why you feel the way you do

It sounds like you're still very traumatised by what you went through. You are terrified of criticism, however mild, and that seems entirely understandable given what you've been through.

As Dione says, it sounds as if you need some counselling to help you recover from your trauma. No need to give up on your new dp, you just need to tell him what you've told us, and work together to get you to a better place. He needs to be sensitive to the fact your reaction to criticism is not normal (at the moment) and you need to find a way for you both to be able to air issues or concerns without it upsetting either one of you.

Part of what you wrote, OP: "....hatred of myself for not seeming to be able to make anything work."

I know cherry picking a post may be well, picky......

I suggest the book 'Codependent No More'...on the 'making things work that involve other people. It is complex and hard to explain but I feel that the experience with the Narcissistic one has skewed your perception of others. Codependent No More will help realign your perceptions.

I still struggle with this too:
*"I can only think in terms of blame and apologies for what I perceive I have done wrong." I have had the habit of critiquing every conversation I have with anyone. Bad habit...tmsb is reforming.

*"Feel like I'm being attacked when I'm not."
I think this goes much deeper because of the damage from the NPD. This is, imho, a reflex reaction the brain will jump on-the basic, instinctive, reptile brain. A suggestion to try: take the count to ten strategy to let your intelligent, evolved brain have a moment to engage to think rather than just feel. This takes strength and courage and will to be in the moment and remember to pause before reacting.

I think NPD damage puts the victim back on the reptile brain because they are so vile to the intelligent brain-it is the intelligent brain's coping strategy to not engage. So then the victim begins to not trust their own intelligent brain any more.

Sounds like a bunch of clap trap...sorry. I'm still working through it, too.

I thought that was a brilliant reply, tmsb!

OP, I didn't feel I could reply to you as I'm still not ready for another relationship. I'm still getting myself back / finding out who I am after a lifetime of feeding Narcs. I really do sympathise with your strong reaction to preceived criticism - after being on 'high alert' for so long, you actually forget what healthy relationships are like. Having a Narcissist in your life leaves you with PTSD (the condition that makes returning soliders freak out when a car backfires!)

You need to understand that your recovering from a very damaging experience, and cut yourself plenty of slack. You can't expect your judgements & perceptions to be the same as everyone else's; they haven't been through what you have. One of the first things to learn is how to stop constantly monitoring yourself for "errors" like you're doing now - counselling can definitely help you on that.

Go easy on yourself. Good luck :)

Thank you so much everyone. It all makes sense what you say.

Dp has been very patient with me but has been upset today because of my over reactions and he doesn't know how to handle it. To make matters worse, he has said a few times that maybe he should go home to let things settle for a bit and this sets me off even worse. If he went I would be beside myself. He is finding it very difficult to deal with. I get very angry with myself and why I can't just be like everyone else. DP is now sitting in the car. I am just too much for anyone it seems. I have always been a very emotional person but not this bad.

When he brings something up with me, I instantly feel hunted like I did with xh, who used to launch an attack on just about everything I ever did after stewing on stuff for up to a month. Eggshells. Don't want to do it again.

Sometimes, I don't think things through properly and make bad decisions. Not on big things just being a bit thoughtless although I try so hard to get things right and think about others.

I want to run away from everything now - I don't seem to be any good to anyone.

Think dp is going to say he can't handle me anymore.

Think I'm only now realising what has happened to me and no matter how hard I try to bring in my rational side in an argument, I can't seem to do it. I'm trying really I am but it's not working.

It's all shit - sorry for sounding so self-indulgent and I so appreciate your understanding from those who really know what I'm talking about.

Ive had a Narc, i know how damaging these fuckers can be.

Alltoomuch , i dont want to comment about YOUR reactions , id like to know what HE said that prompted you to be so upset and how he reacted. Im also concerned that you said you FEEL your being attacked when your not. Our feelings are there to protect us and warn us. We usually only feel attacked when we ARE being attacked.

Have you told him you feel this way, and if so, what has he done to prevent you feeling this way in the future ?

Im just wondering if its possible that Hes the problem, not you. I give my narc the boot , waited a few years and met a aparently great guy. Youve guessed it, another Narc , but because he wasnt anywhere near as twattish as my ex i didnt spot it. He was very critical, but it was very subtle.

Please make sure it really is your issue before you start labelling yourself. This comment bothers me " I can only think in terms of blame and apologies for what I perceive I have done wrong. ". You also sound very down and self depreciating, im wondering what this guys doing for your confidence.

That post was very self depreciating , listing all your faults , yet none of his. Why not ?
Whenever someone says they are accused of over reacting my ears prick up every single time. And now hes sitting in the car, sulking no doubt. Thats not ok behaviour if thats what hes doing.

Would it help to tell us some examples of you being thoughtless / over reacting ? You also say hes suggested going home for a bit. Has he suggested it or threatened it , theres a differance.

If he is upset as he says he is why DOESNT he fuck off home?

Im gonna just say it and risk a flaming, i think its him .

A 6 month new relationship should be fun and exciting, yet here you are writing self depreciating things about yourself. What sort of things is he bringing up with you exactly?

I think the sitting in the car thing is shit , hes either doing it to embarress you in front of your neighbours or hes hoping youll go out and fuss him. Either way it sounds like your getting punished , possibly for your earlier " over reaction ".

People who are upset or angry fuck off home to cool down. They dont sit in a car outside your house publicly advertising domestic discord. It stinks of someone enjoying the " game ".

You said he mentioned going home several times , does he spend a lot of time with you at your house, does he work ?

Id love to be wrong.

Dignified, I'd love you to be wrong as well! I'm afraid it was one of my first thoughts, too, OP - I didn't want to rain on your parade so to speak but, as your replies have all said, your own judgements are a bit skewed thanks to your ex. You're likely to be accommodating of bad behaviour, just because it's "less bad" iyswim.

If you're as down on yourself as your posts sound, then this will show through in your everyday life (even if you hide it!) and others will pick up on it. I'd question whether a man who picks out a hurt, self-doubting woman is the best partner for you right now? What's he doing now, is he trying to make you change your feelings so as not to upset him?

I know this is really hard. Try to be honest with yourself - about your BEST points, in particular! Let him get on with his stuff while you give yourself lots of tlc.

Dignified and Isee, I do feel worried about what you've said and I have given it some thought but I don't think it's down to him.

As for the sitting in the car, we agreed previously that should things ever get overheated that we would take a short time out.

I did the same yesterday by going up into my bedroom for a bit to calm down. We don't live together by the way.

We both agreed that openness and honesty were very important and I find this very difficult. If something bothers me about him then I would rather keep quiet about it so as to avoid things. He likes to get things out in the open and discuss them calmly but I find this nigh on impossible because I get myself so worked up.

For example, yesterday we went out in the morning and he had said previously that he wanted to come back and sort his car out. I forgot this and on the way back home I saw a sign for a craft fair thing and mentioned going there for a bit. He said ok but he did want to do his car and then I thought I was being a bit selfish so I said don't worry, we will go home and I went a bit quiet. So he said he felt a slight bit aggrieved that I suggested it which I do understand. That was it but I kicked off and started to panic and saying that I'd done something wrong and he kept saying I hadn't done anything wrong and it was not a matter of blame but just that he wanted to get it out so it could be sorted. It was then compounded by me wanting to get out of the house etc.

At no point, does he get angry or even stroppy, just tries to talk to me. I can't handle anything at all. I'm a mess and I've forgotten how to BE. He always says only good things about me but just that he can't cope with my reactions, which are extreme. I get very confused when we are talking and back off in fear.

Isee, I am down on myself in every day life. I've been through so much and it's taken its toll. I suffer from depression too and there's other stuff too which I haven't mentioned. I find life difficult.

Today things are better but I am exhausted and low.

So he said he felt a slight bit aggrieved that I suggested it which I do understand.

Id have told him to fuck right off , how petty of him.

You suggesting a craft fair does NOT need to be brought up and sorted. Thats petty and ridiculous in my opinion. Had you INSISTED then yes, that might warrant a conversation but you didnt. Nor did you need to apologise and you shouldnt have. Why did you ? You dont have to apologise for thoughts ffs. I bet he gracefully accepted your apology as well.

Youve said he likes to get things out in the open and discuss them clalmly, i disagree , i think he likes to pick . If hes bringing up stupid shit like this no wonder you feel upset and confused.

I wonder if your ex was an aggressive twat , you say this guy isnt and that he just talks to you about things and brings them up. But whats loud and clear in your posts is that you DONT LIKE him doing that.Im a stranger on the internet and i can see it, so therefore why does he bring up petty shit when he knows it upsets you ?

You also say you get very confused when your talking. Why ? Do you get confused when your talking to others in general, or just him ? You also say you back off in fear. This isnt good and if you cant talk to him somethings not right, you should not feel afraid of talking to your partner.

Re you ex. If he was an aggresive twat , verbally or physicly you might associate a bully with shouting and screaming. Dont be fooled , just because somebodys talking quietly doesnt mean their not being abusive.

I know youve said you dont think its him, but something about this is not sitting well with me at all. Have you heard the term gaslighting ?

This relationship should be enhancing your life , not making it worse . If someone said they felt agreived at me making a suggestion theyd get told to fuck off , imo there was no need for him to bring it up. So he put you straight didnt he and no doubt youll now think twice before you dare to suggest anything else in case he feels agreived.

started to panic and saying that I'd done something wrong and he kept saying I hadn't done anything wrong and it was not a matter of blame but just that he wanted to get it out so it could be sorted.

What did he mean by " sorted " exactly, what outcome did he want ? Why did your suggestion of a craft fair need to be sorted ? Youve said he KEPT saying. So basicly he could see you were upset but carried on going on about your suggestion anyway didnt he. People often insist debts are sorted, or affairs or other bad behaviour needs sorting, no one makes this much fuss aout a fucking suggestion of a craft fair.He doesnt get to pick at you like this.

If he cant cope with your reactions why is he CAUSING them ? Why doesnt he just fuck off if he really cant cope, cant handle it ect ?

Im sorry to say op, i dont think hes a nice man at all. Someone who picks at you, feels agreived because youve suggested something, says he cant cope with you / handle you / makes you feel attacked and your in fear of talking to him, is NOT a nice person in my book.

All of us whove been Narced got there by a mixture of love , hope , poor boundarys , making excuses , and ALWAYS ignoring our feelings. Dont ignore yours op , not again.
What he SAYS doesnt matter, its how he makes you FEEL that is important. Dont ignore this.

I agree. Sorry, atmt.

If I'd gone shopping with my friend after saying I needed to be back in time for lunch, then she said "Oh, look, there's a sale in Karen Millen!" ... I'd say "OK, I can tell you need to check it out. I've got to be back for lunch, though, so we'll have to keep it short."
I wouldn't imply OR EVEN THINK she was being selfish. No way would I consider her desire to visit the store needed "sorting". Why would I? She loves the clothes, there was a sale, of course she had to look! It's basic consideration, respect for others' wishes, and simple negotiation.

He had no reason at all to feel a slight bit aggrieved.

Think about it: What you did was express an interest and a desire of your own. He said his interest (the car) was more important. You agreed, so he won.

His reason for feeling "aggrieved", therefore, was that you expressed an interest & desire of your own.

The only way you could have avoided "slightly aggrieving" him would have been to keep stumm about the craft fair, correct?

What kind of man wants you to shut up about anything you fancy, that doesn't fit in with HIS plans?

Please listen to dignified. She is speaking much wisdom.

All too muchtoday , you said the situation was compounded by you wanting to get out of the house. Did you tell him this and did you get out eventually ?