WWYD? - Someone Else's Affair

[wahine12]

We're expats in an African country. We have a small community of expats that are 'friends' but you don't really know them that well. Loads of men here are on single status and quite often have 'local wives'. Basically, some people think the 'normal rules' wrt marriage don't apply (tradition of polygamy here doesn't help).

We have been friendly with an expat couple who have a small baby. The wife is currently back home visiting family. He has often stated that men with 'local wives' are a bit sad and he gets sick of getting approached in bars when he's out with the boys when his wife is out of the country.

So, last night around 0430 I get a two texts, the first being his apartment number (just above ours) and the second being 'I want to get naked with you'. I texted back to him 'I don't think you do' intending that he realise his mistake and go back to sleep. He replied 'Come over and I'll show you what I mean'. I then put the phone in the kitchen so I wouldn't hear further texts as he was obviously too drunk to know what he was doing. The phone rang 0.5 hours later. DH went and answered as I was getting pissed off at this stage. The neighbour asked for someone completely random as he didn't understand it was my husband was on the phone. He finally got the picture he had been texting/phoning the wrong number and apologised profusely. He then sent DH a text to apologise and stated that he was trying to text/phone his wife (in a different continent, so feasible with timezones). We went back to sleep but both feeling a little 'icky'. He phoned this afternoon to apologise again and re-state that he was texting/phoning his wife.

I don't care about receiving a text like that if I genuinely thought he was trying to phone his wife. I would find it hilarious. The trouble is, neither of us really believe his story. We have really enjoyed this couple's company and thought that they had similar values to us but now don't really know where we stand. We haven't known them long and know both of them equally well. If this were one of our good friends from home we'd slap them about verbally and tell them not to throw away a good marriage. But we don't. I'm tempted to email the wife, but not sure that I want to get involved. Also, given the number of people available to interact with here, it was really nice to have a couple to have boring evenings in with as we both have very young children.

Anyone got any thoughts? I don't want to get dragged into someone else's marriage, but I also want to let the wife know.

And yes, as my DH points out, posting on mumsnet is akin to 'gossiping without gossiping'.

Well, I would do nothing. I agree it sounds dodgy but you have no hard evidence that he wasn't trying to text his wife, certainly not enough to drop a bombshell like that. Ask yourself, would it stand up in court. A bit melodramatic I know, but I really don't think it would.

Plus, if you don't know them very well she may well just think you are trying to shit-stir - she is far more likely to believe her husband than you. It could make life very awkward for you, especially in a small expat community. Personally, the only people I would take a warning like that from would be very close friends and/or family. Anyone else and I would probably assume that they had ulterior motives in causing trouble between me and my husband.

Well, you don't know that he is actually having an affair, or has been unfaithful. He may have just been trying it on with someone while drunk, which he wouldn't normally do. Not nice, and not ok, but not necessarily an affair, and definitely not something which you ought to get involved in.

I'd say something to him along the lines of "Look, you've got a good woman there, don't mess up" and leave it at that.

The texts do not mean he is having an affair. You do nothing. You definitely do not tell his wife and really you need to stay out of it.

Why would he need to tell his DW his apartment number??

I think you should not get involved unless you think his DW's health may be put at risk e.g. through HIV.

I have lived in Africa, in Port Harcourt and Warri as my DH works for a multinational company and we get posted all over. Sleeping with local girls is very common especially when wives are back home even among the highest job groups. It is pretty repellent - grizzly extremely unattractive (in the main) expats sleeping with young girls generally befuddled by booze. A lot of them are very bored because of the security situation. I would certainly never tell the wife though - it would cause too much heartache and without definite proof there would be no cause to and even if there was - I wouldnt anyway.

Well the HIV thing is particularly significant in Africa

Keep out of it and forget about it.

FFS mind your own business. YOu have no hard evidence at all that his story isnt true, for one thing. And self-appointed monogamy police cause far more damage and bad feeling than people's occasional undiscovered lapses.

Do nothing,no matter how well mean't an email might be she'll hate you anyway.
I personally would find it hard to be in his company anymore.
If it's been an innocent mistake he'll prob tell his wife & hopefully she may be able to laugh it of with you.
I'd stay clear for a while, but don't delete the text, store in a folder not for any horrible reason, but He may come up with a reason why you're not around so much, which you may not like