that toxic parent book...

[andnowthewait]

thank you to those who recommeneded it. Just read i this morning and its amazing. Its almost like reading a story on my life or something. Her behaviour is there, in black and white and i couldnt help but just be amazed as some of her stock responses etc are there too.

AM going to pass it onto sister for her to read.

Sister is seeing her today. Ive told her that she can talk to mum and say ive asked her to ask mum if we ( DD and i) can go round. But that i will not discuss nor agrue nor mention the incident.

I have had many confrontation with her to know that it falls on deaf ears - or that no improvments will happen.

What i am going to do, without telling mum what im doing. Is to refine a new relationship with her. It will be a pulled away one, but i now know from reading that book how to respond. or non respond.

Ill probably pop round one day next week. If she tries to bring anything up, or make comments, im just going to say ' im not going to talk about that' and if she does it more than twice i shall say ' i told you, im not going to talk abou that, im going to leave but ill call you in a few days'

I suspect its going to be along and rocky road and mum will hate it. But its just tough.

so - thanks to those who recommended it.

Hi andnowthewait,
I am glad you are doing so much better. Isn't it a relief to 'know the ground you are standing on' so to speak?

I am also glad for you that you have the support of your sister.

Take care,
TMSB

well - im not sntirely sure i have her support i said to her this morning and she said she was sure mum doesnt mean it. and maybe doesnt know how she comes accross.
and that mum just likes to feel needed and wanted and that as im getting my life back ( post divorce) mum doesnt really like it as she likes to be wanted.

so - he fully knows what mum is like, and has a distanced relationship with her herself by way of a coping mechanism. But still makes excuses for her behaviour.

Well, that does get complex. Do you think your sister will at least be honest? Or does she misrepresent things, even ever so slightly, to feel needed herself-or for control purposes-or for entertainment?

no - i think she feels she needs to defend mum as mum as being making herself out to be a right marter these last few weeks and doing a lot of crying for effect.

Plus like it said in the book - family dont like it when the family balance is upset. By refusing to talk to mum these last few weeks ive made a stand. Noone really wants to face up to mum ( but are happy to moan, cry or get angry about how she behaves behind her back) But ive done something.

she tells me she has her own coping mecanisims for mum. She has too else mum would do to her what she does to me. Doesnt mean shes immune though, only two weeks ago she was on the phone crying about something mum had done.

Hi-I just refreshed my memory on your story-
You/the book is right about family balance, the myth of happy family, and brainwashed family roles.

Do not loose your resolve in the changes you have made for yourself. In a few weeks/months time you might start to question this "hard" (necessarily so) line and consider forgiveness (another topic all together) and give another chance. Especially if mom's tactic switches from injured victim to sweet recruitment...but it doesn't sound like your mom plays the full spectrum. Her triggers are all about her, if she isn't happy then no one is happy and she is never happy...?....is that close?

Yes, I don't think she'll change. Even if you walk away, even if the relationship with your dd is sacrificed. I hope you continue to coach yourself to not feel guilty about restricting the gm/gd connection. It isn't a God given right-although some might disagree with that.

You said your sister has distanced herself somewhat. No fallout from that? You must be the favorite target because of your daughter-seen as a rich fielf for manipulation.

Focus on you. It seems selfish to say the others don't matter, but they have made the circumstance that they don't-they have worn the civil circumstance of respect out. Family or not, that horse has died, all you are doing now is burying it.

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong. Stay clear (in your mind and of them!)

Got to go-be back later.

thanks

You know - taking this out on here has helped a lot.

There has been a fallout from sister not engaging with mum. Shes constantly bad mouthed and run down to the other family members, who then mum wants to agree. Mum has a habit of playing peopl off aganist people.

I am of course more of a target because of DD and its interesting to me than mum wanted nothing to do with me pre DD. I hadnt spoken to her for 7 or so years, but as soon as i was back in the country, vunerable post split up and with child than she made contact, Despite for 7 years me sending birthday/xmas cards with my contact details in while she sent noone.

Im more than aware of the fact she tries to use DD to get to me. Sister has reported mum has been buying DD lots of things then goes about crying that she has these things and DD isnt getting them and missing out because of me.

Yes her triggers are all about her. Everyone in the family will agree to that. If something happens to someone else, that takes the attention away from her, she somehow makes it about her. Of if someone does something she doesnt like ( like what i did) then ive hurt her and how could i do that to her... etc..etc... and my name gets dragged through the mud.

Its just the straw that broke the camels back type thing. On the surface it seems like such a small thing to have such a big reprocussion, but its whats behind it. We have been having this argument constanly over the last 2 years with it getting worse and worse each time. No normal ways of dealing with it seem to work.

Its just taken a lot of thinking and then reading that book. I just have to disengage from her. though i suspect this will be easier said than done.

Its also sad to finally acknowledge that she will never be the parent i want her to be. She never was, and never will be, despite how much i want her too and that i am very much on my own as far as that is concerned.

I can only hope im not like that with my child and i try ever so hard not to be

best book ever.....should be popped strategically into every adults workplace/home/places of socialising etc etc....i thought i was insane untill reading the book now i have an inner calm and little warning lights going off if i feel i'm repeating horrible history!

It's a fantastic book.

Reading it has made me relise that it's not me with the problems. I'm like a different person already and I haven't even finished reading it.

Should be in every single library up and down the land!

As well as "Women Who Love Too Much" etc.