Baby due imminently having real problems

[nikkinoo]

Please can any one out there give me any advice. this is the second message that I have posted this a.m.

this is my situation. I have two children one boy and a girl aged 5 and 4. resp. I have split up with the kids dad and through the years met some one else who was kind and loved the kids although not in an over the top way never wanting to take over the relationship and enforce himself as dad. The kids have a very good rel with their real dad. (as do i )

Anyway after living 200 miles apart and working out what we wanted we realised that we wnted to be together and that we would get married and everything. I moved in with him and almost immediately fell pregnant.

I am due soon and our relationship is becoming unbearable he is not being that nice to the kids or me, he accuses my boy of things and the worst thing is that my son doesnt want to know him. I am constantly refereeing the two of them even though they spend very litle time together.

He is now staring to say that he does not want certain influences of my kids being passed onto his child. he is failing to see us as a whole unit working togehter as a team.

as well as this he is blatatley refusing to do things for me like even clean one dish in the sink at the end of the night just to wind me up.

To be honest I just feel like my life has been a series of one mistake after another all involving men, but I cant sacrafice my kids for a man and I dont know realy whether my kids are better off without me. because at the moment I dont think i can really carry on and bring another baby into the world into an unhappy relationship. What role model am I to my kids?

They are my life the kids and if they turned out to hate me because of this I am desperately unhappy dont know what i would do

Nikkinoo - Your DP sounds like an immature arsehole (sorry!). Your kids are not better off without you!!!! But they will probably be better off without him! As will you!!!! Have you spoken to him about this? Does he ever see that his behaviour is wrong??? I don't have experience of having stepchildren, but I'm sure a wise Mumsnetter will be along in a minute to help you. So sorry he's being a prat, you don't need this right now.

my saying is the kids come first always

I went up his mums last week and even though she thinks that the sun shines out of his bum she even said that he was behaving cruelly. No they are my kids I am not a step parent. But my partner is the kids step dad as such.

I just think that with the babies imminent arrival he is petrified. He also has his won business as well that isnt going too great. There is preassure all round at the mo.

I think my prob is is that I know I have to leave him but i am so woried about the effect on my kids you know all of the upheaval and things. I just dont want them to hate me because being a mum is the only thing that I have been any good at. They are my heart and soul and if i fail in them i have failed in everything

It really sounds like you all need some space to step back and look at things from a distance. Maybe he would see what he is doing is wrong if you were apart for a bit? I'm sure the kids would enjoy the break from all the tension and it sounds like you could do with it.

Could you ask him to go to his mums for a while?

He wont get involved with his mum really.

But the kids are going to dads for a few days and was thinking that I would take the oppourtunity to stay with friend for a few days and take myself out of the situation he needs to assess what he wants aswell.

Is there anything that you can do to improve the relationshipe between them before the baby is born?, how much do your children respect your partner?, are they polite? is he polite towards them? If they are rude to him does he has the right to tell them off? Are you allowing him to take responsability as a step parent? is he allowed to intervene in decisions regarding the children?

If you answered yes to all the previous questions you are likely to have a very selfish partner who will favour his own child well above the others. But if he doesn't have a vote on how your children are raised or how they are encouraged to behave towards him, there are a lot of things you can do to improve the situation before the baby is born. HTH

Yeah toothache its a pity that he didnt sat that he was an immature twat from day one instead of pretending that he could be a step dad to two kids that he has known about from day one.

Thing is he had a similar experience in his youth his mum and dad split and he had a fab step dad couldnt of wished for any one better. He is just a selfish man im afraid and its a case for me of either put up or shut up

Nikkinoo - Sorry my post wasn't clear... I realise that it's your DP that is a stepparent, but I just meant that someone with experience of living within a stepfamily would know more about how to handle this.

You don't have to put up with this. Your 5 yr old sounds thoroughly miserable with the situation, as are you! Getting away for a few days sounds like a good plan. Maybe while he's rattling about in the quiet house he'll appreciate how lovely it is to have a busy family around!

How soon is your baby due? How would he feel if you told him you didn't even want him at the birth if he carries on behaving like a selfish twat???

You and all your children are a package, he knew that then and he knows now.

Talk to your partner..men gat funny near child birth..dont know how they will fit in!!!
Tell him what you feel, if you cant talk write to him!! Explain that you will treat all the children in the samr way and he HAS to accept that. his child will be no more special than the others!
He has to accept you as a family unit or ots the end!!
you will survive it.

Thing is Chandra he is rarely at home he has his own business and the kids spend alot of time with their dad at the weekend as I had to work weekends up until recently.

I do everything in the house including pay for most of all the financial stuff and everything i buy for the kids including his baby.

My son can occasionally be aggressive which will not be tolerated at all so if he witnessess or indeed is hurt by my son I allow him to discipline him.

I asked him to make one night a week where he can come home earlier and read them story and tuck them in. he got home just in time on the first week as he went to his friends after work to have a beer. When i mentioned this he was like well I got home in time for bed. Its like he just wants to do just enough to get by for this family.

We come after his business he was even gonna take a week of work when the baby comes only i found out from his mother that he wont be doing that now.

In short i do allow him to discipline but it just seems that its all bad and they dont really get any positive reinforcement from him. its is only really issues with my son as my daughter is a bit of an angel and was younger than my son when i split up from her dad. My son however hero worships his real dad and loves being with him, so I do understand that there is some resisitence between these ds and partner

Toothace baby is due on september 18th. However had a show whilst shopping on friday and ever since then things have been ropey to say the least

i wuld def go away for a few days, he needs to understand that you cant go on like this, write him a letter explaining everything clearly then he can read it in his own time and wont have chance to answer back and then he either changes or you leave him to it on his own, its hard enough having a new baby without all that stress, if the worst comes to it and you do end up leaving then could your older children go and stay with their dad for abit until you sort yourself out somewhere to live with the baby.....

my mum did this when i was 7 and my sister was 9 and we coped quite well and it gave her chance to sort herself out, i never felt like she let us down as we could visit her when we wanted but it wasn't up to her to make sure we got to school or do the dinner etc so we just had fun time with her for a bit. sometimes life isn't how you planned but you do the best you can at the time, in this situation being away from someone that doesnt treat you or your children how they should be treated is doing the best you can for your chjildren and no one can disagree with that.

i hope you sort it out