Frequency of sex...

[2cats2many]

Am just wondering how often other people manage to 'do it' with their other halves.

Perhaps my expectations are too high, but DH seems perfectly satisfied with 1-2 times a month and I would really like more than this.

We've talked about it lots of times and he assures me that a) he still fancies me and b) he's not getting it anywhere else (and I believe him), but no matter what I try, he just doesn't seem massively interested anymore.

So, my questions are:

1. Does 1-2 times a month seem 'normal' to you (i.e. should I thank my lucky stars and stop moaning)?

1. Has anyone else been in the same position and managed to change things for the better? If so, all tips welcome.

Thanks for listening.

It really doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. If it is a problem for you you need to talk to you dh. Telling him that others have sex every day/3 times a week etc is not going to make him want it more.

im in a similar situation. Been married 7 years and at present have sex twice a month and thats a maximum. this has been an issue in my marriage for a good few years and we go round and round in circles.....no sex for a few weeks, i get angry and upset, we have sex and he says we will make more of an effort will be ok for 2 months and maybe have sex 3 times and then we are back to once or twice a month again till i kick off again!
i dont know how to sort it. at the moment im trying to concentrate on work and study!

Re: who makes the move- both scenarios and am often turned down when I do make the move.

I know what you;re saying re: what's 'normal', but I do sometimes wonder if I'm being unreasonable in myu expectations.

I'm in the exact same situation but the other way round if you see what I mean. DH would like much more regular sex but the most I ever manage is once a week. It genuinely is nothing to do with DH (and I am definitely not getting it elsewhere) I just have a low libido. We haven't really sorted it, though it's a little bit better at the moment. All I'd say is keep talking about it and try to be patient. Chances are he's feeling really guilty about it and that isn't going to make him want to have sex any more! It might sound a bit naff but I find starting off with a massage helps and maybe suggesting he makes the first moves so he doesn't feel under pressure. I'm not trying to undermine your side of things because I do understand how frustrating it must be but I think probably being as patient as you can is the only way forward. If I knew of a way to boost my libido I'd do it like a shot - have suggested to DH that I go for some kind of counselling (cos it does seem to be my problem rather than his) but the idea freaked him out a bit so I haven't raised it again since. Off to have a stiff drink now and see if I can get in the mood

Hi, read your psot with interest as sitting here and cant even remember when last had sex with DP!!!! Went a whole year without but thats another story!!

Wow OP - can we swap?

I think my wife would get on famously with your husband :-p

My husband and I have been there, not really doing it very much. One day leads to another, weeks go by and then you realise you can't remember the last time!
I used to stress about it, thinking it meant trouble was afoot, and suggested counselling for us both, which didn't go down well. When I talked to friends they seemed to think it was an issue, saying they were at it all the time, but you can't compare your own relationship with anyone else's, and who's to say they're being honest anyway?
We have been together for 9 years, and I just think that it's only natural after a long time for the frequency to reduce. After I stopped seeing it as an issue it took the pressure off us both, and it's better now. We try to make an effort these days, especially because we are trying to have a baby!

Hi I'm in the same situation. I've been with my dp about 3 and 1/2 yrs and he's the same once or twice a month. I'm 25 he's 32 no kids, no mortgage although he does have a demanding job he says the same that he does fancy me but sex is too much effort. He does get horny because he masturbates, but just can't be bothered to have sex with me. I have my own self esteem issues but his constant rejection doesn't help.

About every alternate day ay the moment.

Which is a bonus because she is 13+5 weeks pregnant.

OP I'd echo what others are saying about it mattering not what other people's versions of "normal" is; what matters here is your relationship and how you both feel about it.

What often doesn't help in this situation is the societal discourse that men have higher libidoes than women; this can cause men to feel undue pressure and shame and women to feel that are personally lacking in some way, if they happen to be with a man who confounds this discourse.

What also sometimes happens in relationships is that sex becomes a covert means of exerting power and dissatisfaction in a relationship, but sometimes in response to a loss of power elsewhere, or because of dissatisfaction with some other aspect of the relationship, that for whatever reason cannot or will not be expressed directly, about the issue concerned.

This might help with your talks, because the answer to this is usually found in having a truly honest dialogue as a couple, allowing both of you to share your own vulnerabilities.

Sex works best when the pressure comes off and when it is not invested with any power-based agendas, on either side.

If you can rule out societal pressure or power struggles and conclude that this is just a case of mismatched libidoes, a poster called SGB often suggests a really helpful approach of agreeing a kind of rota so that certain days are designated as being available for the higher-libidoed partner to initiate sex and others, when no requests will be made. This can take the pressure off and respects the needs of both partners.

we seem to average about once a week although sometimes it slips back to once a fortnight. It always tends to be on a Sunday night too. I am the one with the lower libido but once we get started I do enjoy it.