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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He doesn't say I love you plus other big issues .

23 replies

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 13:45

Been good friends since school with lovely woman. Just wanting to hear other peoples opinion on her relationship and to know whether I should offer any honest advice when asked.

So she has been going out with a man for over five years , they are early 30s , he never says I love you and has stated he does not want to get married or have children. He doesn't do hugs and they have a reasonable sex life, they take holidays together but still live apart.

My friend has wanted to live with him for the last 3 years she bought v expensive bed and then wardrobe as he complained about her furniture but he missed all the deadlines. The new plan was that as he refused to move into her house as it's hers , she would sell her house he would still keep his batchelor flat and rent out and they would buy together .

For near enough a year she has had it on the Market but had no success, I got a phonecall the other day saying her parents wanted to buy it, great I thought but no as her bf says she is selfish and shouldn't sell to her parents even though it was their idea and they are excited to be landlords!

I have said selected things when asked by her but this is so obvious he doesn't want to live with her one bit and was banking on her not selling the house ! I called another friend to give her a call and get her to see she isnt being selfish at all. I'm married with a baby on the way and worry my friend is wasting her life with this man! I don't like to be too harsh I ask gently about it all but she makes jokes of it all but I know she isn't happy , any ideas ?

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 03/09/2010 13:49

There isn't anything you can do until she sees it herself. Just be there for her when it all goes wrong. Does she want to be married and have children?

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 13:53

Yeah she does, we usually have a big chat about it all at Christmas , not so easy on phone, she always says he will come round to it. I doubt he will if they do not live together after all this time. I just wonder how much longer she will give him and worry she will give up having children for this man, she has said if she got pregnant he would leave her.

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 03/09/2010 13:54

Sounds like you are probably right, Mirabelle.

But don't interfere, there's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to see this for herself. Just be an ear, a shoulder and a friend to her. No-one can be forced to change perspective, especially where relationships are concerned.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 13:58

Look, this woman is a silly cow who is contributing to her own pain. She will not listen to you or anyone else. I'm actually a bit sorry for the bloke who may well have been trying to get rid of her for years - it is actually very difficult to dump someone who, while not aggressive or stalky, simply will not go away. He's refused to live with her, doesn't want to marry or breed - she maybe throw appalling scenes and threatens to top herself when he tries to get rid of her and he's just not tough enough to put his foot down once and for all.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 14:04

SGB you might be right! She is like a robot girlfriend, I say to her don't you get drunk and kick off and say "why wont you say you love me, why wont you live with me" etc. She says no as it would make him dump her?!I couldn't help myself and he would have legged it long ago. Once she asked him if he loved her and he had to go away and think about it for 3 days, but she accepts it and says thats how he processes things! He is a knob though for not ditching her in my opinion.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 14:35

Hmm. His behaviour doesn;t look great on paper either, he's at best spineless (lots of people would by now have said, look, fuck off, you're dumped and if I have to take out a restraining order against you I will) and thinks it would be mean of him to hurt her feelings or, (and tbh more likely) he thinks it's quite nice to have someone running round desperately trying to please him, sex when he wants it and constant adoration, and he probably smothers his conscience by going 'Well I've told her I'm not serious about her and she's still here so she must be cool with it'.
As to your friend - did she have vile parents or some other incident or influence that has trashed her self esteem to the extent that she thinks she's worthless without a partner? Or is she actually selfish and determined to wear this man's resistance down, thinking that because she wants him as a partner, she's entitled to have him?

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 14:47

SGB , I have only met the bf on a few occasions he always seems to be busy when it comes to her friends although she does socialize with his frequently. I imagine that if he really does want to remain childless/unmarried then my friend provides a great companion for weddings/ holidays etc, sex when he wants it with very little demand on him emotionally. My friends parents are lovely and she came from the classic 2.4 children middle class upbringing, she did suffer from anorexia when 15/16 so I think she must have some confidence issues. However she is very successful in her career alwyas in Dubai etc on business , but that confidence doesnt seem to extend itself to her relationship. She does speak of him coming around to her way of thinking so perhaps that is a bit selfish ? She did say she doesn't want to be single again but I know she would have no trouble meeting blokes that are much better than the current idiot she claims to love so much.

OP posts:

IseeGraceAhead · 03/09/2010 15:55

I hope she buys another place FOR HERSELF with the house money. If it looks like she's going to provide him with a cost-free interest in a property, you're going to have to try and stop her!

IseeGraceAhead · 03/09/2010 15:57

He says she's selfish? For selling her own house?

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 16:30

Yes IseeGraceAhead , selfish because she is selling it to her parents, even though they suggested it and have sought financial advice and want to be landlords , i do think that perhaps they are doing it so when it all falls apart their dd has a place to go though , but never see them anymore as I dont live near them all.

He is worried her parents will lose money, oh how thoughtful, even though she herself said he wont sell his flat because he will lose money on it,isn't that selfish?

I just don't want her to turn down this chance and wait for a normal buyer as that will be another year etc of waiting to move in. Although the houses they look at are never up to his or high standards so perhaps that will be his next stalling tactic, as if her parents buy it she will stil live there im guessing until they find their dream home!

I shacked up with my dh after a few months only living upstairs in a couple of rooms as no kitchen/l room due to renovating hisproperty, came for a night and never left that was 4 years ago,although I also had my own house, we were in love, house didn't matter! If you don't want to wake up everyday with someone after 5 years I don't get it!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 20:42

Actually I do think she is selfish in that she is continuing to try to 'get' this man who has told her repeatedly that he doesn't love her, doesn't want to live with her and is quite probably doing his best to get rid of her.
Mirabelle I think you are probably right that her parents are buying her flat so she will still have a home when the boyfriend finally runs out of patience with her, and (again) I think she is actaully being selfish in that she is putting her parents at some financial risk.
She is in the grip of an obsession, just like any drug addict and what she actually needs is a good kick in the fanjo (metaphorically). Her parents would probably be doing her more of a favour in the long run if they got hold of the boyfriend and offered him a fat cheque to dump her once and for all and leave town.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 03/09/2010 22:48

SGB some of what you say may be true but I think my friend might become an xfriend if I was as blunt as you! I know in the past I was told by a friend of her then partner that he was cheating on her. I decided to tell her as the friend was genuine but she got rid of me from her house and cooled things until it all came out then I was there for her. So perhaps I should keep out of all of this but a lot of our conversation revolves around the same themes ie this bloke and his lack of commitment, he also didn't say he didn't love her he just doesn't say anything. Still weird...

OP posts:

TrippleBerryFairy · 03/09/2010 22:59

Unfortunately I think you are right, this guy has absolutely no interest in living with your friend and I bet it all will end once all the obstacles (flat sold etc.) are out of the way. Or he will invent the new ones.

I would gently suggest that to her if I was you but in the end like someone else has said there's not much you can do.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 23:47

Mirabelle: I appreciate that and I also appreciate your frustration with your friend's situation but it is at least 50% of her own making. You could maybe just change the subject every time she starts on about the non-boyfriend (actually, have you ever met him? Are you sure he exists?)

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 04/09/2010 09:47

SGB I have met him 3 times so can confirm his realness unfortunately. I like your point of view that's why I came on here to get a range of opinions .

In the past I really loved a bloke but still could see that he was not interested in marrying, having children with ME, he is married now though.

My friend just thinks it will all fall into place but it won't as he doesn't want it to , with her anyway. She said herself he is probably only agreeing to move in together so he can keep his flat and get a big house too. Nice!

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SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2010 11:07

Has he ever said anything to you about his 'relationship' with your silly mate? I am wondering if you could appeal to his better nature at all and point out to him that he ought to come clean with your friend and stop leading her on - at which point he may either turn into a total arsehole or say 'I just don't know how to get rid of her, I'm not her partner and I don't want to be but she won't leave me alone!' and then you can advise him to take proper action.

Mouseface · 04/09/2010 11:50

It sounds as though he wants to keep 'his' life very seperate from 'their' life, if you can even call it that.

He has his place, won't move her in/in with her, dictates who she can sell her house too, tells her her furniture is crap, doesn't say he loves her...........

Why? Because he doesn't. She is giving him the green light to carry on like this too by trying to please him. An impossible task as this fine man keeps moving the goal posts for her.

Spinless player.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2010 11:54

I'm not sure he is after the house money - otherwise he would be all enthusiastic about her selling to her parents. As it is, he's trying to put her off doing so.
I think he's a wimp who is frightened of confrontation.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 04/09/2010 16:39

I don't ever have opportunity to have a word with him , they live 200 miles away and he always seems busy when it's a couple invite.

I don't think he is after her money particularly but just found it strange that she would joke about that as a reason for him to move in , but as you say even the lure of a nice big 2nd home is not enough.

OP posts:

whatwhatinthewhatnow · 04/09/2010 23:36

Has he said categorically that he doesnt love her, or just not said that he does?

My DP didnt say he loved me for a very long time. But of course he did and says it now but I remember a few of my friends talking to me about whether it was right.

Although not moving in together is quite a big thing after 5 years. How old is he?

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2010 01:14

Blimey WWWWWhatever, the bloke has told this silly cow that he doesn't want to marry her, or have children with her, or live with her (and he might have conceded that he maybe would move in with her but has set all sorts of impossible targets ie he DOESN'T WANT TO), so I very much doubt that he just expects her to know that he weally wuvs her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 05/09/2010 10:43

Whatwhat he hasn't said he doesn't love her but makes sarcastic comments on the rare occasion she says it to him. Eg she said " I love you" , he replied "drivel". It's like Edward Rochester has come to life isn't it?

OP posts:

lifeinlimbo · 05/09/2010 18:43

hmm.. encourage her to get out more, take up some hobbies, get busy. When you chat ask her about work colleagues, friends in her hobbies, what are the men like? if there is one guy she mentions keep asking about him and saying things like 'he sounds nice' and make a point of it if he does something nice for her. Generally encourage her to look at other men and consider them.

I guess you are already trying to make her see how this guy doesnt really care about her, sounds like theres not much more you can do until she wakes up!

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