Narcissists v Nice Guys

[Vincenza]

Is it possible to change your dating habits to attract normal, decent, morally sound blokes who don't emotionally or physically abuse you??

After a string of mentalists I am beginning to think I should be celibate. I get enough offers but the only ones that I like are mental. I have done a lot of work on myself and I know why this (mental mother - repeating pattern of attracting the dominant parent yadda yadda yadda). However, I am still not attracted to the nice guys and I am wondering if it is possible to change this or is it just too ingrained in me to fancy narcissists?? In which case I am officially throwing in the towel NOW!

I found a good one eventually, so there is hope!

He doesn't take it as a compliment when I say how lucky I am to have someone 'normal' and nice (he thinks it sounds like I'm saying he's boring) but I really do mean it and appreciate him.

Thanks for replying Ephiny!

Can I just ask... how did you know he was nice?? Were you immediately attracted to him or was he a slow burner? I thought I had done a full screening process on the last one but they are getting worse!

Slow burner I guess, I'd got so used to having all the drama and controlling and emotional blackmail and all that in a relationship that I think I felt like all that stuff had to be there for it to be a properly passionate relationship, iykwim, and that something was missing when it wasn't

So it took a bit of getting used to the kind of relationship based on actually liking and respecting each other. I don't know how he put up with my craziness early in the relationship to be honest, but am glad he did.

Ha! Have been asking myself the same question. I've had yet another relationship with an emotional abuser which has crashed and burned just this week, and one of the things that's been painful to me is that I thought I had no longer went for bad types after many years of therapy, self-examination, attempts at reconditioning, building up self-esteem etc.

Interestingly this chap was someone I was very strongly attracted to, unlike my last two boyfriends where I just went out with them because they seemed nice, and then it went from there, so no real strong attraction. They were MUCH better people. But in the end I simply never felt that strongly about them.

Depressingly therefore, I conclude that if it still applies that if I'm really attracted, there must be something wrong with them.

Dunno what the answer is so I shall read further posts on this thread with interest!

Heh, good question! These days, I 'feel it' when I spot a [compatible] arsehole - and I'm never wrong - but I recognise what happened and turn off my "attract arsehole for psychotic relationship" response. I'm more than pleased to have got this far but am in a strange no-womans-land at the moment. I'm spotting men I think are nice, and feel attracted in more positive ways (I hope!) But I haven't got any "attract nice man for healthy relationship" responses so I never get anywhere!

I'll be more than interested to hear if you figure this one out

Yes me too. After years of going out with narcissists and ego maniacs and being treated appallingly, I recently got together with someone who couldn't be more different - kind, generous, quietly funny, attentive, considerate and just generally nice. It was great, I thought I'd cracked it at last.

However, that has now gone Pete Tong due to a combination of a) him being very fucked up from two failed marriages which he hasn't got over (so it turns out he was emotionally unavailable after all. Duh.) and b) if I'm honest, possibly me being so used to feeling small and insecure next to the usual huge and crushing personalities that I end up with, that I repeated my usual relationship behaviour with him ,when really it could probably have been OK had we both recognised what was going on.

So in short, I think that yes it is possible, but it may take a very long time and lots of work before you solve it.

Thought I'd elaborate. I'm feeling garrulous
I'm living in a VERY small, isolated rural town where the only single men are either out with their sheep/tractors all day, or drunk all day, or both. There's one guy I keep bumping into, who is v.attractive by all normal physical standards for our age - but I keep bumping into him, so he's at an uncommonly loose end too, iyswim.

Anyway, I didn't do whatever it is I usually used to do to reel them in. Well done, me. As a result, I ended up in a random conversation with a bunch of people including him. I noticed two things: [1] He keeps dropping in remarks about How Badly Abused He Was As A Child (quite badly, fwiw) - then pointing out that It Didn't Do Any Lasting Harm, Look At Him, He's Fine. Eeek! [2] He never enquires about the others. Everything he says is either about him, or is a plonking statement - his opinion, stated as fact.
Yup, he's a narcissist and a twat.

I'm pleased to report he actively avoids me now - since I replied to one of his abuse stories with "My dad did the same. That's why I'm in therapy." Everybody else laughed; he didn't. However, I don't think telling a bunch of comparative strangers I had an abusive childhood is the best way to engage romantic interest from a sane, happy man - though there weren't any around on this occasion. But all this psychotic living and intensive mind-digging has left me with a somewhat antisocial tendency to cut straight to the quick!

I honestly have no idea how to engage an unfucked-up man, romantically speaking. I'm sort of hoping it'll figure itself out as time goes on (and I progress). I suppose the best thing is, I'm no longer bothered about it. That's good, isn't it? Is it?

x-post, Septimus! Looks like a mututal [shrug]

My Narcissist H suddenly fell sick and died within three weeks of becoming ill ( raging cancer we never realised was there ).

I got MY life back.

I've known my Nice guy for more than twenty years, he's been the greatest friend I have ever had. We are now together.

Maybe some of you already know your Nice Guys?

i have the same problem, and like most of you am fully aware of it, and have done much soul searching and have tried my hardest to date and be attracted to nice guys.

Ultimatley i know a narcissist will be no good for me,but i just cant help myself.

The nice guy dating is awful, i feel hemmed in and trapped by their niceness.

I need that excitment and rush. Ive accepted that. But i think there are different levels of narcissists, and maybe opting for a more mild one is a happy medium.

at opting for mild narcissism.