Don't fancy DH since vasectomy

[Beeswing]

DH had a vasectomy 2 years ago when DC3 was a baby.

I can't carry any more children to term, it was a miracle we have three DCs (nine pregnancies - I have Ascherman's syndrome following complications of DC1's birth and DC2 and 3 both somewhat affected by it eg club feet, placenta previa). High-risk pregnancies, the miscarriages were absolutely devastating (two at 14 weeks, just awful, took 7 years to have DC2. DC3 miracle baby, less than a year between them but apparently in my situation not unusual for pregnancy to 'take' very soon after as uterus has been recently stretched). Three DCs also plenty - feel very blessed every day.

The consultant 'strongly suggested' I have my tubes tied during 3rd c-section but I refused. Knew I would regret that door being closed forever even though I know it is anyway. I am 30 btw, so was 28 - just felt it was too young to have tubes tied! Silly but so much going on emotionally seemed pointless to have a procedure I didn't want done.

Should add that always had good mutually enjoyable and active sex life. Never did scheduled sex for pregnancies, never felt (consciously), I was just having sex to get pregnant, the m/cs were awful but DH was amazingly supportive, tender and kind and made it clear he still fancied me rotten - and I felt the same way. Remember going for 6 week checkup after DC2 covered in lovebites and the Dr being shocked. Always really enjoyed being together sexually iyswim.

DH adamant no more kids ever in any case (including if we broke up or something happened to the DCs - they ask you these questions when you ask for a vasectomy on the NHS). Not a doubt in his mind. Huge relief to him that we don't have to worry about pregnancy (huge risk to me if we tried to continue with a pregnancy and I was laid pretty low by the serial m/cs). As far as he is concerned we should be shagging every day. Wanted a congratulations shag when he got the letter saying he was sterile and I just wanted to cry.

...and I don't want to. I have been excusing it a lot - I am really tired (SAHM to 3DCs is tiring), I feel a bit ugly (2 DCs in a year does shocking things to your tummy and boobs). Probably a bit depressed.

I see again and again on these threads DHs feeling rejected, sad and lonely and starting to pester their wives - or worse - and I can see we are going that way.

We do make love but nine times out of ten I am doing it out of guilt which is killing any sex drive I might have down there. Whatever we do intimately will always end up with sex (didn't use to, but when you shag every day no big deal if full sex isn't involved every time), and that means I can't relax and 'enjoy' things as I am dreading that moment when it becomes actual sex.

It just happened tonight - and I realised I was thinking "what's the point", and that I meant because DH is sterile.

I am massively broody but in a sort of outside looking in way - don't think I would want another baby if I didn't know I can't have one IYSWIM. Been asking myself questions like "if I could carry a baby to term would I leave DH to have another baby" - answer is no, never in a million years. Adore DH and our kids and don't just want 'a baby'.

"If DH was on board with surrogate, would I do it?" - no, three DCs plenty (and bit of a strain on finances).

Looked up ICSI - would I do that? No, love the 3 DCs, don't want more really - would be nice to be able to think "well maybe one day", but not as nice as looking at DCs growing and changing and becoming independent is.

But it's knowing that DH is infertile! It is making a sort of block in my mind. I truly don't fancy him anymore.

Can't mention it to DH as it would crush him. But need to sort this out! He is not stupid and knows not everything is fine.

Could sexual therapy help? Is it even available? On NHS? Oh god I don't know what to do.

You poor thing. You've been through so much - could it be that now the door is closed on that period of distress and trauma for you both, that you've still got feelings to be dealt with from back then? I don't know much about these situations but I think rather than sexual therapy specifically maybe you could do with some sort of counselling or help to deal with things in your own mind - it sounds like it runs much deeper than a sexual problem, and i guess that means the sex side of things is sortable. But you also need to talk to your DH, possibly not in terms of "I don't fancy you any more" but at least just to open the door to him about some of this.

Vasectomys are reversible. I know you don't actually want another baby but maybe if you consciously realised that your husband isn't actually sterile permenantly then you would be able tl enjoy sex more.

I know they are reversible, but I also know the success rates for reversal after each year and that DH had an 'old school' op (lower rates of spontaneous reversal). Thanks though.

this is one of those classic MN threads where if the situation was reversed, people would see it very difficulty.

"My DH refused a vasectomy, so I had my tubes tied. Now he doesn't fancy me because I am sterile"

everyone would be shouting 'what a bastard, perhaps you should leave him'

My sympathies are with him.

You need counselling, blaming your DH's vasectomy for the way you feel isn't fair on him, at all and it will impair your lives if you let things drag on.
He did it for you, something that (thinking about thingslogically) should make you fancy him even more.

You're focussing on this as the reason for the way you feel, which seems understandable as it's an obvious and easy "reason" but I doubt it's as simple as that.

Vasectomy reversal would be ridiculous and you know that, it's also very expensive.

Please get some help, it could be basic depression, could be something more, but you won't know until you grasp the nettle and ask for help.

I agree with the other posters,you do need counselling,I think you are grieving for your losses and also your fertile side of womanhood.

I do feel for your dh though,it's really not on to punish him and at the moment he can't win either way can he?

I had to have a hysterectomy at 31 and if my dh then told me he no longer fancied me because I was without a womb it would of destroyed me.

Think about it rationally and seek some outside help for you BOTH.

Well yeah that's why I am not saying anything about it to him? And trying to seek help without him knowing.

I am prepared to believe that I have latched on to his sterility subconsciously and I already said I wanted counselling. Don't want him to seek help, he doesn't need any.

He seems to believe all okay, my libido dipping. Doesn't suspect my private thoughts.

Your poor dh. So many men go noooo at a vasectomy and you're rejecting him because of it.
Counselling is probably the way forward. Do you think you are grieving for your unborn babies which will never be born? I know I was very sad when dh and I decided we didn't want any more. And then when I accidentally got pregnant I was again very sad and shocked.

Can't you tell him that you think you need some help because you are deeply unhappy and recognise that you are having mad, irrational thoughts?
If he loves you, he will be understanding and want to help you in any way he can, even if that means staying off sex for a while.

I was hoping that by getting this out here I might reduce the pressure in my head and on our relationship. never mind then.

I've asked my GP about counselling, am on the list, very long waiting list though and it's not sexual therapy.

DH is probably a bit sick of me being unhappy and doesn't understand why I have anything to be sad about now I have the DCs.

You need counselling and it doesn't need to be sexual therapy.

I think it's good that you're writing about this here, it's always good to write down your thoughts. But there are no easy / magic solutions (you know that though).

Counselling (good counselling or psychotherapy therapy, with someone experienced) is the way forward. Can you afford private counselling? Usually GPs recommend things like CBT but I think you would probably benefit much more from psychodynamic counselling at this point. You can go to British Psychoanalytic Council or British Association for counselling & psychotherapy: there's many low cost schemes where you could find someone qualified in your area. With both these organisations you have a basic guarantee of finding someone decent; and fees can be negotiated, as I said in almost every training organisation they provide low cost schemes.

It's not worth waiting for the GP to sort something out; it may take ages. It does seem like it's not a sexual problem you're dealing with, so sexual therapy wouldn't be the way forward.

You say you don't understand why you have anything to be sad about, but unfortunately you do (and actually you've gone through pretty much!), life works like that, we often feel sad & anxious even if we don't understand the reasons, which is where therapy helps.

Good luck!

If you have the money it might be a good idea to pay to get the counselling sooner.

Understand how you're feeling, pretty similar to what many women feel at the menapause I think (especially if they had wanted more children); a door has closed.

I would think carefully before sharing your thoughts with your DH at the moment though, especially if you tell him and don't have the counselling in place. Imagine if you had been sterilised after your last baby and he told you he didn't fancy you any more, it would be the last thing you would want to hear.

Would it help to think that your partner is not actually sterile? He is as fertile as he was before it is just the little buggers cannot get to you similar to a condom stopping them they just can't escape.

Even though he has had the all clear it is still not 100% guaranteed because there are accidents!

Perhaps you need to talk to your DH and say you would just like a cuddle rather than putting up and shutting up? Do you think he would still enjoy it if he knew you really didn't want?