WWYD or say in this situation to my idiot ex and why is he doing this?

[MNknowseverything]

A couple of years ago I went away for a weekend with my sister to our old home town. Just before I went I got an email from an old friend/exboyfriend who said he was in town also that weekend. He lives abroad so this was a big deal. I went out, met him for a couple of drinks with a whole big gang of other people and that was it.

Now here is the problem. I did not tell my H (at the time, we are separated now) about this. The reason being that he used to go completely, nuttily jealous about me having any contact with old male friends/ex boyfriends even just via email. He would rant and threaten divorce etc. Basically when we met and married he wanted me to drop all of these people and never have contact with them again. I wouldn't do it and basically just kept the odd email, text message a secret (literally once or twice a year). Anyway it has now come out that I met up with this ex and he is now telling me that he knows more went on (it didn't) that I am a liar and I was obviously messing about on him throughout our entire relationship, the reason that he treated me the way he did during our marriage was that he sensed "stuff was going on" etc.

This man was repeatedly unfaithful to me and verbally and emotionally abusive throughout the marriage. He now tells me he was totally justified in all this because of "everything I got up to".

I just didn't. I know he is my ex but this is driving me nuts because I know he is telling people this stuff and he is being really disrespectful towards me because of it. It is not true and it makes makes me feel ill and unable to get any kind of closure from his real treatment of me, the way that he is twisting it all round and trying to make me look like the bad one in all this.

I know you will all tell me to ignore him but I can't, not only did he crap all over me when we were together but even now tries to turn it all around and put it on me.

Sorry to go one but I just need some ideas on why he is doing this because it is driving me crazy.

"For some reason it is only me that gets it, he seems to like everyone else and be considered a thoroughly nice guy by them. This is what I struggle with and what always made me think it must be ME."

That's how you know this is abusive behaviour and not just a mental health problem--that he can switch it on and off.

The reason it's only you that gets it is that you are his chosen victim.

Please do some reading about abusive relationships. There are plenty of threads about it on MN and they will show you that far from being unique the pattern of your relationship is absolutely predictable.

I hope the responses you've had have shown you that "the problem" isn't something you did or didn't do a couple of years ago. Your ex simply seized on that as an excuse for further attacks.

You will never get him to see reason or accept that you are telling the truth. The only thing you can fix in this situation is your own responses to his nonsense. You sound well on the way to being able to deal with it. Please take care of yourself and ignore him.

MN How has it been going? Has this all helped?

My EX used to do this constantly , i didnt realise what was going on and he would smirk at me while i got upset trying to defend myself. I soon got wise.

Him - I know for a fact you were shagging when we were married
Me - looking horrified - Your dad shouldnt have told you ! Anyway it was only a couple of times.
Him -
Me -