angry after affair

[Kenickie]

My husband and I are going through an extremely rocky patch in our relationship. He moved to the UK 6 months earlier than me and during that time had an affair. I am still so angry with him. We gave up everything in the US so I always felt like I couldn't go back. He did try really hard at first to make amends but I admit that I have been absolutely awful to him and now he seems to be giving up. I don't know what to do. I am still in love with the 'old' him and want to stay for the children, as moving here was traumatic for them but they have settled well now. I am still so angry and can't seem to get past that. This was our dream and he ruined everything. Now I seem to get angry about everything and can't let anything go.

How long have you both been over here?

I don't have any direct experience of betrayal of this kind, but I have been let down, badly when we moved countries.

I too would love to know how to lose the anger. Have you tried Relate Counselling? That may help him understand why you gave him such a hard time for so long, and may encourage him NOT to give up trying to win you back.

I wanted you to know you are not alone and someone with much better advice/insight will be along shortly. hang in there!

Sounds like you don't want to lose him, yet your very undestandable anger is pushing him away.

Counselling can be good, but for more of a 'quick fix' for getting the anger out in a non-destructive way I'm a big fan of writing a diary, writing a letter you don't send, even sharing it anonymously on MN etc. Writing it down allows you to vent; gives you a different perspective - you can read what you've written as though it had happened to someone else; and also in my experience can enable you to see both sides of the argument.

another thing I would suggest is not to let the anger/recriminations become a habit, so that you only communicate in that way. Actively look for areas of your life where you can have amiable (even if not loving) discussions - even if it's just about practical things - while you're trying to work out the anger in a more systematic way. Otherwise the whole relationship can become toxic and you might lose it. (Just happened to me, though the anger was from my DP - it was about one particular issue but it poisoned our whole relationship and it ended up that every exchange, even about the most innocuous thing, was infused with the anger.) Try to do or say something nice to him every day, just to keep the flame of the 'old' relationship you're hanging on to alive.