I find my partner so cold - am I being pathetic?

[mostlyhappy]

I feel completely let down by my partner but don't know if I'm over-reacting so would really appreciate someone else's point of view.

I recently found a lump in my back and my doctor referred me to have it looked at in case it was suspicious. I'm a pretty optimistic person and felt confident that this was just a formality but never the less I couldn't help thinking the worst occasionally and have talked to my partner about it a few times over the past few weeks whilst waiting for my ultrasound. He was supportive in that he'd say it's probably nothing etc.

We have a three year old and a six month old baby so I have to say that during the odd pessimistic moments that I had I got quite upset worrying about the possibility that I might not see them grow up. I know this sounds like an over-reaction but I didn't speak about this to my partner and never told anyone else that I had a lump because I knew there was no reason to think there was necessarily anything wrong.

I had the scan yesterday and, thank god, the lump is just fatty tissue developed during pregnancy weight-gain so, of course, I'm releived and very happy about that.

The night before the scan my partner and I had an argument - it wasn't a really bad one but we went to bed without talking to each other. Because I was having the scan the next morning and he knew how nervous I was about it I presumed he would be normal in the morning. I wasn't expecting an apology - it was both of us who argued and not really a big deal. However, in the morning he wasn't talking to me and just went to leave the house, telling our three year old to say goodbye to me before he took him to nursery. I was really upset by this because I found it heartless considering how nervous he must have known I would be all morning (he was coming back with the car before my appt but even so I presumed he would understand I was going to be feeling bad during the morning). I started getting upset and we had another argument, I told him he was a callous bastard etc. He did try to resolve things but I was too upset and didn't want to talk to him. When he came back he made no attempt to talk and didn't say anything like 'good luck' before I left - he just didn't look at me.

I worry a lot about our relationship and this is partly because I do find him to be really lacking in empathy or compassion. He tells me that I'm over-sensitive, which I'm sure is true but I do feel that his lack of compassion can be quite extreme. If he is annoyed with me/we are not speaking (and I do hate the fact that we don't speak for two or three days at a time and don't think that's normal for one minute!)it doesn't seem to matter what happens - it seems like nothing would stop him from being in a mood with me. Once I found out my father was being taken in to hospital with a heart condition and my partner continued not to speak to me even though he knew that I was crying and upset.

I don't know where to go from here - I know it's all very childish that we're not speaking and it's certainly not good for the children but I feel so let down by him and his apparent lack of empathy. He did ask how it went when I got back but when I said 'fine, nothing to worry about', he said 'really?' and then we went back to not speaking! I know I'm being childish and stubborn as well for not resolving things - I just feel quite let down by what I think is a cold and uncaring attitude.

Am I over-reacting or would you feel the same?

How do you eventually get past the 'not speaking'? Who makes the first move?

It's not a good pattern, no. Surely the children notice? I don't think you are over-reacting in that this is not healthy as a regular thing. How often does it happen?

Is your partner reticent at showing his feelings with the children too?

I have to admit it is usually him who says 'shall we resolve things?' - though often by text! We sit down and discuss things and eventually listen to each other's point of view, apologize and promise to try not to do the things that we each find so annoying about the other. The problem is that we are both so different and my main issue with him is that he has a temper. It is pretty impossible to have any kind of 'difficult' discussion with him as he just shouts and storms off, resorting to insults. i don't pretend to be perfect - I end up shouting and throwing insults back but when I try to stay calm and discuss things he calls me patronising. I mean obviously this is a long story and he admits that his father lost his temper and said horrendous things to them as children (and still puts them down and criticises them). We've been to counselling and we're both trying to make an effort with how we react during arguments.

I don't think our 6 month old has ever seen us row before and looked a bit stunned but was soon happy and normal again afterwards. Our toddler has started to get upset and actually has become a real daddy's boy, especially after a row, where he clings on to him and says 'no' if I kiss or cuddle him. I am upset by this but hope it's just a phase because he's very happy and normal with me when I'm on my own with him, he just prefers to be with my partner when we're all together.

We row about every few months but went for about eight months before our most recent row and the rest of the time it's really good - we don't irritate each other and reall enjoy each other's company.

He is very loving towards the children and they respond accordingly - he's a very affectionate person as long as he's not in a mood with me. Once we've had an argument that all changes - he just freezes me out and you'd think he literally hated me. I do worry that he will do this with the children when they're old enough to really piss him off!

I think you need to learn how to argue properly, if that makes sense, and agree some 'rules' for fair fighting. It's been years since I read it but there's a book by John Gottman called 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' that I think deals with this. There must be others too.

Are there also particular flashpoints for your partner disappointing you in his reaction? Illness seems to be one of them from your OP - any reason you can think of for that? Have you discussed this in counselling? Glad to hear you are going to counselling - or have been.

"he's a very affectionate person as long as he's not in a mood with me. Once we've had an argument that all changes" - mostlyhappy, does his mood seem affected by your behaviour? I mean, would he get in a mood if you do/say something he dislikes or disapproves, and be lovely if you do/say what he wants you to?

Yes - I find it difficult to discuss things with him because if he doesn't agree with me then he's likely to get in a mood. He goes distant at best and when I ask him what's wrong and if he wants to talk he simply says nothing. At worst, he'll lose his temper during a discussion and a row will ensue. We row about once every few months which I suppose is not too frequent but I would love to find a way of being able to resolve things more quickly afterwards because I hate the fact that we sometimes don't talk for a couple of days really frustrating. If he didn't get so personal and insulting during our rows then I'd find it much easier to be the one who suggests we make up soon afterwards but I'm often left reeling.

No, it's definitely not normal to freeze someone out if you disagree with them, nor stop talking to your partner for days on end.

Your reaction about your scan is totally normal and healthy imo, his isn't. Likewise when your father was ill. It seems petty in the extreme, and he sounds like a bully tbh. Resorting to insults, stonewalling etc are classic signs.

During the times when you're not arguing, do you feel as though you need to agree with him to keep the peace?

No, that's what is so frustrating in a way. When we are fine, we get on really well and I feel totally free to say what I like. Our relationship is fun and we don't get on each other's nerves, we talk about all sorts of things and we are very close - a 'happy family' I suppose. However, when we row I feel like he turns into another person. He loses his temper quickly, he resorts to insults and pulls my character apart. I have resorted to doing this as well (the insults, swearing etc) which I hate in myself but I just give up on trying to stay calm and keep things in perspective when he seems to have turned into neanderthal man within minutes. He tends to 'freeze me' and go distant if there's been an argument but not a row, if you know what I mean. It is impossible to get through to him and though I hope he'll come round, he never does, I end up getting frustrated and being bad tempered too, and inevitable a row ensues. I know it sounds like an unbelievably destructive relationship but, as I say, when things are OK, they really are great.

It is really strange, it sounds as though he just can't manage his feelings of anger at all.

The thing is, you can't change him if he doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour, and it sounds as though you've tried all sorts of strategies to change how you react. I guess it comes down to whether you can live with this if it continued long term? It sounds very wearing.

What triggers him flying off the handle if you can normally say what you like? Are the rows usually over the same kind of thing?

It's difficult to explain because I think I sound paranoid. It seems like we go along happily for ages and then he seems to descend into a low mood. I might say something that upsets him (and I do acknowledge that it could be upsetting because he's not a sensitive person so it's not like he's easily upset!!) but instead of talking about it to me, he goes distant - doesn't cuddle, sit near me, talk other than the bare minimum ie child care-type stuff. This could go on for an entire day or even two and eventually I suppose after trying to eak it out of him, I also get bad tempered and say something snappy to him. With this it can quickly turn into a row. I sometimes get upset (occasionally cry) or argue back but he tends to storm off, shouting and swearing as he goes - often calling me a 'stupid bitch' etc. This is a different issue really because the thing I originally posted about was what I would call his aspergers tendencies (undiagnosed obviously!) where he seems to have no compassion or feelings in a situation where I feel you'd have to be made of stone not to care.

I know what you mean (considered whether XH had Asperger's tendencies) but think your H is choosing when and when not to care though. By the sounds of it, it's whether he's directly affected or not, he can't even seem to extend compassion to you which is really concerning.

It must be very tiring for him to maintain the sulk for so long, I wonder what he'd do if you simply said "I'm not prepared to tolerate this behaviour, please come and talk to me when you want to discuss the problem in an adult way," (or similar.) It shouldn't be for you to cajole him out of it, it's blatant attention seeking and controlling behaviour on his part.

You don't sound paranoid at all, btw. Or over-sensitive. It must be hellish to live with while he's in one of those moods. Has he ever suffered from depression at all?

It strikes me that being lovely when you do/say/are what he wants, and being a miserable git if you don't, is a highly effective method of control. It's working on you, isn't it? here you are, fretting about why he isn't quite what you married and how you can fix your relationship.

I realise the straight-talking mumsnet harridan (as I'm proud to label myself) isn't a popular flavour at the moment. So I'll back away from your thread now; tnmfs seems to be looking after you quite well. Good luck, OP.
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