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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is he playing at?

8 replies

onlyone · 31/08/2010 22:32

find out about husband having an affair about six months ago with best friend - she ahs 2 kids as do we. One with a disability -so house specially adapted in a massive way.

She is the one he wants, loves etc etc. So they are going to live together and make a better future for her and him and her kids.

So six months down the line - she is still with her partner and he is still in the house behaving as if all was OK, except every so often he goes and sees her. They are both paying rent our flats that they were going to move into in the first month. What are they playing at.

i know you will all say why have I not kicked him out, I have tried but not helped by the fact that he keeps coming back everytime and I need help with DC as difficult to cope on own and I mamaged to slip a disc so lifting near impossible.As am now post op am stuffed.

Are they playing a game and does he really want to leave - am so confused

OP posts:

msboogie · 31/08/2010 22:34

does her partner know?

Original poster

onlyone · 31/08/2010 22:38

Apparently he thinks it finished last year

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/08/2010 22:41

He comes back every time and you make him feel useful and appreciated because you need help with the DCs and your back. Maybe when you've recovered you will be less dependent and you will be able to draw your line in the sand, and force him to choose, or just give him the heave ho for good if that's what you want.

I'm not getting the impression that you really know what you want though. And there seems to be no anger -- quite a flat response to a huge betrayal by both your H and your friend. Nor do I see any concern about how exactly your H is paying for a flat and your accommodation all at the same time, or how you're managing financially. Unless you're made of money how is this being accomplished?

thesunshinesbrightly · 31/08/2010 22:41

Think you should go and tell him.

Oh and kick his arse out.

IseeGraceAhead · 31/08/2010 22:50

Hang on, are they renting one flat between them or a flat each?

If they told you it's a flat each, I don't believe him. I think YOU are paying for their part-time love nest. I get that you quite like having him around - humiliating as that is - but couldn't you pay for a daily helper with the money you're paying out in extra rent?

I'd tell her husband. Without a moment's hesitation. This is absurd.

Original poster

onlyone · 31/08/2010 22:50

There is anger but if he does stay with her, she will be looking after our DCs - one of whom is very vulnerable. I want to do all sorts of evil things but maintain the moral high ground.

Me not sure - want him gone - new life, one minute, want him back and work on it the next. He is adamant that it si all over but six months on nothing has happened.

Back has complicated the issue but ignoring that, I jsut get the impression he does not want to go and is waiting for me to do something either way.

Am currently so exhausted can not think straight and in pain which means day to day coping not long term planning

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/08/2010 23:17

He is probably too much of a chicken to take the initiative himself and leave. Meantime, he has the best of both worlds and feels he is not accountable to anyone.

So when your back is feeling better and you feel stronger physically and emotionally, I would be really tempted to tell the husband of the OW and let the chips fall where they may, as Grace says. It's not good for anyone to live in limbo as you're doing right now. Living with someone when he says it's over is stressful in the extreme and bad for the DCs as they pick up the atmosphere, and are confused about the state of play between mum and dad, and anxious too.

As far as the OW taking care of your DCs, that's not necessarily so. You could have him see them for a limited time, especially if one is vulnerable in some way, or have him see them at a contact centre.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/08/2010 23:27

Didn't you post about this months ago, with a similar thread title? I am sorry this is still going on, but no-one here can tell you what is in his head. We can summise however that they are both taking you and OW's partner for absolute fools and I would urge you to blow the lid on this relationship with her partner and tell your own to leave forthwith.

You have been horribly betrayed by two people who were meant to be closest to you. Please don't make yourself feel worse by continuing to let them walk all over you.

Ask your GP surgery if you qualify for any help with lifting etc. and stop relying on him. Take help in fact from anyone other than him.

All the while he can vacillate between the two of you, he will do so. Meanwhile, her DP is being deceived too. Don't collude in this any longer. They need to live with the consequences now of what they have done.

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