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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex-colleague back to haunt me

14 replies

whydoesitbotherme · 31/08/2010 08:47

No idea where to post this or what I want to hear but it's just a horrible feeling.

When I started this job I was taken on as a temporary member of staff (very small business, I was known to the staff as a student). I got on really well and firstly the period of the job was extended, then the boss asked me if I'd like to stay permanently. So I did.

A couple of the other employees weren't getting on with the boss and I sort of feel like I became a scapegoat for this - I think they didn't benefit from the extra staff cover I provided as much as the boss benefited, and they resented me for this. There was some other stuff going on that they were dissatisfied about, and these two were very pally, and they sucked in a couple of other staff members in being very childish and snide about the boss, to the extent of being rude about him in front of clients and generally behaving unprofessionally. The atmosphere at work was horrible. Of these two people, one of them is someone I generally respect, who had never seen eye to eye with the boss, and who I don't really hold any bad feelings towards. The other, however, I would never trust. She's devious and malicious, thinks the world owes her something and I found out from others that she had been fairly widely criticising and mocking me. Please bear in mind that at this point in time I was very young and new to the profession, and in a fairly high pressure job.

Eventually things became untenable and they eventually left, and the work was much harder until we got staffing sorted out but it was a much happier place and since then the working dynamic has been great and we've got along brilliantly.

The thing is, the one I really can't bear is back in town. As far as I know she's got money problems (always has had) and her family (overseas) have refused to support her so she and her husband and child have, for some reason, returned here. Their son is going to attend the same nursery as mine. I just know I'm going to bump into her around the small town where we live.

The thing that bothers me is that she actually makes me feel cold, and I just want her out of my life. I don't trust her not to try and damage my (now very happy) life in some way. It's a real fear - there's nobody else I can think of who makes me feel this way, and I look at the situation objectively and think "What's the big deal?", I know she'll never work with me in this business again, I know the boss fully supports us all and I don't have to have anything to do with her. But she has this big jolly facade of friendliness and bluster and to be honest I despise her for being so horrible and I want nothing to do with her, ever again. I just want her gone, far far away from me.

It's irrational, isn't it? How do I overcome it?

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 08:50

Totally rational. What I do when I am stressing about something is to remind myself I have been through worse. Tell yourself she can't hurt you unless you let her, you are in control, have done nothing wrong and just ignore as much as you can.

whydoesitbotherme · 31/08/2010 09:01

When I read it back it sounds ... well, petty. But when this was going on it was awful, all-consuming. I almost packed in what's a fantastic job and a lot of friends because of it.

I hate that someone can have this effect on me :(

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 09:02

t didn't sound petty to me. People have the power to upset us and get under our skin and at times it is damn hard.

compo · 31/08/2010 09:05

when you see her just concentrate on the fact that you no longer have to work with her every day
think of someting happy in your head
if she starts talking to you be plite but aloof
don't get drawn into a friendship with her

kittyonthebeam · 31/08/2010 09:10

Doesn't sound petty to me either. How much time has passed since you last saw her. What travels through the grape vine goes back round. She'll probably know all sorts of things about you too. (Don't mean to scare you, just true.) Has she made any contact so far? Is her son in your son's class?

Has she ever personally had a go at you? Or is she a backstabber? What is your worst case scenario, ie what do you think she could do?

whydoesitbotherme · 31/08/2010 09:12

Absolutely no way could I be her friend in any way. I do know that she'll go all out to act like my best buddy though, and with us both having kids that could be awkward.

I don't want to pre-empt this by telling my friends and acquaintances that she's trouble, but equally I know how she is and she'll make me look like a snotty cow for not going along with her pretence at us being mates. And she'll seize that opportunity with both hands and doubtless have plenty unpleasant things to say about me.

My pregnant hormones are not helping me deal with this well.

OP posts:
whydoesitbotherme · 31/08/2010 09:16

I haven't worked with her for over 4 years. She's always shown face though, she has some family links to the area and wanders back into the office periodically like she's never been away. I don't expect any direct personal showing-up-on-the-doorstep contact (although I would never say never) but it's such a small place it's unavoidable that we'll mix, and there's a good chance that when he starts her DS will be in the same class as mine.

Definitely a backstabber.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 31/08/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atswimtwolengths · 31/08/2010 22:23

Yes, don't volunteer any information at all. Be polite, say hello and then get out of her way as fast as you can.

If things aren't as good for her now, she'll probably see those as her glory days - you're still in the job and it wouldn't take much of a leap for her to think you're one of the reasons she's in the position she's in now.

I would tell your friends. Don't go into too much detail, just say she talked about you behind your back and that you don't like her or trust her. They need to know; they could be her next victims!

whydoesitbotherme · 01/09/2010 09:15

Hmmm, can I do aloof and distant? I'm not very good at that sort of thing but I can definitely psyche myself up for it.

I was thinking, about the turning-up-on-my-doorstep scenario - I'm so crap at this sort of thing I'd probably freeze with a grin on my face and end up inviting her in, so let's hope it doesn't happen, eh?!

Really not sure about warning others off her, there are a lot of people I know, but not well enough to be open with about the past, and personally I would be suspicious of someone who tried to get in a bad word about another individual before I could make my own mind up. Maybe I'm weird though.

OP posts:
whydoesitbotherme · 01/09/2010 09:15

Hmmm, can I do aloof and distant? I'm not very good at that sort of thing but I can definitely psyche myself up for it.

I was thinking, about the turning-up-on-my-doorstep scenario - I'm so crap at this sort of thing I'd probably freeze with a grin on my face and end up inviting her in, so let's hope it doesn't happen, eh?!

Really not sure about warning others off her, there are a lot of people I know, but not well enough to be open with about the past, and personally I would be suspicious of someone who tried to get in a bad word about another individual before I could make my own mind up. Maybe I'm weird though.

OP posts:
whydoesitbotherme · 01/09/2010 09:15

Hmm sorry!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 01/09/2010 09:31

I'm not sure why she doesn't already know you dislike her, and if she doesn't why you couldn't just tell her that she isn't your friend and you heard about her sniping behind your back whilst you worked together, and your job is happier now she's not there.

Sounds blunt, but I can't imagine disliking someone this much and them not knowing I dislike them.

You don't have to pretend to be friends with this woman. She isn't your friend. Leave her to find people who like her. If this happens to be your acquaintances then tell them if the time arises that you won't socialise in a group that includes her and why.

If they are really your friends I'd have thought they'd know about your previous work problems.

SugarMousePink · 01/09/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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