I am desperate for another baby. DH not...

[mrscraig]

I have 2 lovely dd's (5 and 7) and have been desperate for a third for the last four years.

I try very hard to bury the yearning I have but every now and again something happens and it absolutely consumes me. I found out last week that a very close friend (who has been in the same boat as me - battling with her husband for a third) is pregnant and once again I am engulfed by this overwhelming longing. I know I have 2 beautiful girls and I love them sooooo much but I still feel (despite trying hard not to)like there is something missing and our family is not complete.
I do sometimes talk to dh about how I feel (not all the time, last time was about 8 months ago) and it usually ends in a huge row.

I know financially we would be in a strong position (dh always insisted this was main reason for not having a third but he has been promoted recently) and I am also aware that there would be quite a big age gap if i were to fall pregnant again.

Does anyone have any advice? Does the age gap seem like too much? Or should I bite the bullet and ask dh if we can try for another?

I always wanted a 3rd. Came to terms with the fact we wouldn't then became pregnant unplanned (and before I get flamed, it really was). The ages of my dds when ds was born was 9.5 & 7. It was and still is lovely. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of challenges, but they both love him to bits and were a great help in the early days.

When I found out I was pg I expected DH to flip as we had decided not to try again as we'd left all that baby stuff behind but he was brilliant (nor did he once suggest that it was not an accident as one of our friends did). In fact, the other two were born when we were skint and had not been together all that long so this one was nice - we had a little more cash to play with and he was not so career driven as before so had a little more time.

I can't say what you should do - perhaps tell your husband that you want to talk without shouting so set aside a time and place for the talk and keep a determined lid on emotions (easier said than done!). Perhaps if he realised the extent of your feelings he will come round. Either that or he won't - remember, one of you will have to do what the other wants.

There's no easy solution - I wish I had a wand.

Thank you button moon. I have just been wallowing in the bath for an hour crying just feel so torn. I think you are absolutely right about one having to do what the other wants.
How do you find the age gap generally? How old is you ds?

DH was dead set against a third for us too. He knew I wanted another. I never pushed the issue, just let him know how I felt. I just tried to keep in my head that if we were meant to have any more, it would happen.

Anyway, after a bit of un-planned bank holiday merriment, found out I was pg. DH sulked and said I'd ruined his life.
But, from the moment he saw the scan, and especially once DD was born, he's been absolutely smitten, and I feel like our family is complete.
The age gap has worked really well. DSs are 7 and 5, so are both (normally) at school leaving me time to sleep, bond etc. And, extra tax credits, CB have meant that finances are ok too.

I hope it works out or you, I completely know how you feel.

Thank you sock mokey and congratulations. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way as though I am self indulgent and ungrateful. But I truly am grateful for my lovely family.

Ds now 3.5. Is a lovely laid back child, having fitted round family life from day 1. We promised ourselves that our dds would not 'suffer' from having a younger one and they didn't. Instead it was my poor ds having his first tastes of this and that whilst waiting in the car at music, gym, swimming etc lessons! But the girls are great with him. In fact, he's sat now, downstairs with dd1 while she gets his breakfast for him!

I love it, I really do, but then it was never me that had the problem - I'd happily have another now! And he is the apple of DH's eye.

If it helps, write it all down for your dh. He can read it even if you're sat there with him but make him promise to get to the end before he says anything. I do this quite regularly as I find if there are important things to discuss which might get a bit shouty he gets loud and I get a bit banshee like. It doesn't help with the calm rationalism I want to portray. Does he know you are truly desperate? If he realises you sit in a bath crying for an hour he might realise how important it is to you. He might just have blocked out the depth of your feelings.

I really hope that he comes round to it. If not and you (like I did) feel that your family unit of 4 is not worth breaking up over this then might I suggest counselling? You will need to grieve for the child you didn't have, the future you had envisaged but now will not happen. Please don't think that because you were not pregnant you can't grieve. Grief is due to a loss and you feel the loss profoundly, I know, I've been there.

I truly hope that you can talk to him objectively and that you are both able to deal with whatever decision you come to.

Button moon - thank you, what a lovely post. I had never looked at it like that before. But you are spot on - I do envisage a child I don't have but the ones I have now are obviously more important so it is definitely not worth breaking up over. I love my husband more than anything. Thank you for taking the time to post such a thoughful and eloquent post.

This is such a familiar story for me. Our eldest 2 children were both IVF babies (not twins and privately paid for) so having a 3rd was never going to be easy and since we simply could not afford to pay for IVF with 2 young kids at home already (DS would have been 3 and DD 18mths) it actually seemed to be very unlikely.

But even with it seeming like the odds were we wouldn't have a 3rd child DH was really didn't want to have any more. After a lot of talking, he decided that not having a 3rd child was making me much more unhappy than having another child would make him, so we went back to the assisted conception unit and this time managed to get pregnant on clomid so the cost implication wasn't there.

the 3rd pregnancy was sheer hell, I started having incredibly pain in my pelvis when I was 8 weeks pregnant by the time I was 12 weeks pregnant I couldn't walk without crutches, I couldn't sleep for the pain, and as a result of all this I became really depressed, add to the mix gestational diabetes which required insulin injections and lots of hypoglycaemia episodes - it wasn't a pretty picture.

Thankfully DS2 was born healthy and both DH and I feel immediately in love with him and both delighted that we had a 3rd.

Then DS2 became a toddler, and I became unbelievably broody again, I brought up having a 4th with DH but this time he wouldn't be budged, he was happy to go along with the if it happens naturally it happens, but having been with him for 14 years and not using contraception for 13 years the chances were lets say slim! For him he simply couldn't watch me go through another pregnancy, nor did he feel that he could financially support another child

Now here comes the terrible part, and I do regret doing this, and I have owned up to my husband, I bought clomid from an online pharmacy and took it. I did use ovulation kits, and only ovulated once on the clomid, and actually avoided having sex with DH as I couldn't go through with it - But yes I was wrong, I should have done it

So we were in total stale mate, I wanted he didn't, and I was stood ironing one day, and the answer just popped into my head.

Being totally honest with myself, I realised that I missed having a baby in the house, I love my kids, and enjoy being a mum to them, but I adore the baby days, I always have, I am a trained paediatric nurse and working in special care and the baby ward were the absolute highs. The answer to me was fostering.

Fostering fulfilled all my wants, I got to mother a young child again and DH is more than happy, for him having a 4th child meant that he felt even more pressure to financially support another person.

Obviously this might not be the answer for you, I guess I am saying to think about what your motivation is for having another child, and to look at it from all sides and see if there is an answer that makes both you and your husband happy

Hoping that you come up with a solution that makes you both happy, it is great that you can see that this isn't worth splitting up a happy home for :)

If I've helped then it was a real pleasure. Reading your post was like reading about my life years ago. I wish I'd had access to this sort of forum then, perhaps someone might have helped me rather than letting me find stuff out on my own.

Do post back once you've had the conversation(s). I'd be really interested to know how you get on and happy to help whichever way you decide to go.

Good luck!

I second buttonmoon's suggestion to write down what you'd like to say to your DH, and ask him to read it all.

I think, with my DH, that sometimes it's the best way of getting him to really consider what I'm saying, especially if the alternative is a very emotional conversation puncuated with tears and raised voices.

Do point out to him the point that one of you will have to do what the other wants, and it's not just him possibly needing to compromise - it's you too.

Good luck, I hope he agrees!

I want another one and DH has said no. We only have the one child who is now 6, he says he is too old (40) me (32). Financially we are not in a good position either. Its poop!

Know how you feel, depends on your situation really and his exact reasons for not wanting anymore apart from him saying that you can't afford it.

Think you need to have a no shouting rule discussion and find out the exact reasons why not.

BTW, I have missed loads off pills in the past (seriously not on purpose)but it has never happened to me. I often wonder how it happens to other people. I am not making accusations by the way, just genuinely interested to know.