Help me explain to my mother about her smoking and my asthmatic dd.

[suiledonne]

DD1(4) is spending the night in hospital following an asthma attack yesterday.

My mother wants to come to visit today to help me out as I am ill with flu myself and have had no chance to rest with dd being ill too.

It is very good of her and I appreciate the offer but she is a heavy smoker who refuses to listen to reason.

Both DH and I are very anti-smoking and we were eventually able to make my mother understand that we don't want her smoking around our house and she doesn't smoke in the living room/kitchen etc. However when she stays over she smokes in the guest room which I hate but have put up with because I understand it is hard for her and she is really addicted.

If she wants to stay tonight though I just cannot have her smoking anywhere in the house but she doesn't seem to get it and even is she agrees I know she will end up having a few when we go to bed.

How to I explain to her that with dd1's health she just has to accept that she cannot smoke here?

poor you, I hope you and your daughter are better soon!

maybe this can help, can you give her a print out?

Thanks mousy. I'll have a look at it but my sister tried giving her the facts a few years ago and my mother got very upset and they fell out for months over it.

Just spoke to her and she is probably not going to come today so at least the problem is out of the way for now.

sorry to hear that. but for the sake of your daughter you need to tell her that smoking in your house is not possible. she can go outside if she really needs to have one.

You have to tell her to go outside.

Apart from your daughter, if you don´t want her smoking in your house, that should be enough tbh.

I know people who smoke, but never in their own homes, so they certainly wouldn´t inflict it on others.

I disagree mousy, it's been shown recently that going outside to smoke isn't really much better as you carry the smell back in on your clothes, breath etc - around the DD this would still be risky.

It's a difficult situation as you need the help but honestly she has to put your DD first here. is there somebody else who can help?

Thanks for the replies.

She has decided not to come today as I am feeling a bit better. DH still at the hospital with dd.

She is so defensive about smoking it is very hard to reason with her.

She has been smoking for nearly 40 years (through pregnancy and our childhoods) and she did try to quit years ago but won't try anymore.

If we push her about ut she says it is one of the few things she enjoys in life.

She does smoke in her own house and it is a bone of contention too. I have to let her know we are coming so she knows not to smoke in the living room and open all the windows. We can never stay long and couldn't risk dd1 on overnight visits but this is the price it seems she is willing to pay for her beloved cigarettes.

Believe me, we felt it was a big achievement to get her to not smoke around our house and if I let up about it for a minute she slips back.

But she is my mother, and the dd's grandmother so we have to find a way to make it work.

but going outside to smoke would be "better" than smoking in the house, surely.
and maybe would tempt her to smoke less, as she has to go outside in the cold/rain to do so.
my fil smokes, but only outside and he changes his shirt before he comes into the house because he does not like the smell of cold smoke himself.

TBH, you don´t have to put up with her smoking in the guest room-it´s your house!

yes, it's better certainly, but in the case of an asthmatic DD it's not good enough, IMO.