crush - please help

[rumun]

How to forget a crush.....?

i really need some advice on how to get over a crush. been in a steady relationship for 3 years, and until very recently i was deeply in love with my dp, no one else ever turned my head.

Even when men who I found attractive had come on to me in the past I never even considered being unfaithful. Until a few months ago, a friend of a friend confessed that he really liked me, then a couple of months later i saw him again, we got rather drunk, somehow separated from the group and ended up kissing ...

I felt terrible. but found I couldn't stop thinking about him, and it happened again a short while later, we went a bit further but didn't sleep together. then i started to change my feelings towards my dp, and wonder if i truly do love him if i could do this kind of thing - and then started to feel as though i was falling for this other man - saw him again recently and he has since met someone, he said he likes me but the circumstances aren't right....and he is right of course. Felt so jealous and sick to the stomach when I found out he was seeing someone but know i have no right to feel like that, and that I have betrayed my lovely, kind and generally perfect in most ways partner.

I don't know how to forget about him, can't stop thinking about him and wishing i could be with him, don't know if it's lust / infatuation or something deeper, i feel like such a bad person for cheating, it's something i have never done before in any previous relationship, and never thought I would do with him. I was so in love and so happy till a few months ago - just don't understand how feelings can change so suddenly and affect everything so much? Has anyone been in a similar situation, if so, did you forget the person you were infatuated with, and if so, then how?

I know that I am completely in the wrong here. But would appreciate any thoughts on how to get over this, as it's preoccupying my thoughts far too much and I know I am in danger of losing something really special with my dp.

I have no experience, but I wonder if maybe you answer your own question here?
i started to change my feelings towards my dp, and wonder if i truly do love him

Is it possible that, having been unfaithful with this man, you are subconsciously trying to elevate the act from sordid to star-crossed, by imagining yourself to be in love with him? If you feel "something deeper", then it isn't wrong, sort of thing? Whereas in reality, you liked his looks, were flattered by his attentions, and made a stupid mistake?

Feel free to ignore me, but I wonder if your mind is trying to play tricks on you to stop you feeling too crap about what you did. I hope I don't sound cruel/critical; in actuality, I'm just interested in people's motivations.

Anyway, good luck with it, whatever happens.

I think theres a few things going on here , firstly it sounds like youve blown it out of all proportion. Unless ive read it wrong it sounds like youve only seen him a couple of times ?
Are you making it a romeo / juliet type of scenario to avoid the reality of what it is , because to me it sounds like some seedy creep ( not even a freind, but a freind of a freind ) said he likes you , you were flattered and next time you bump into him hes sniffing round you for a bit of a fumble.

The whole romantic thing might be easier than facing it for what it is, some chancer trying it on and you being flattered by that. I wonder if your smoke screening this to avoid feeling used and stupid , dont mean that in a nasty way.

The other thing, you say that just a few months ago you were deeply in love . People deeply in love arent flattered by some randomer " confessing " that they like you. Perhaps some counselling would help you work out whats going on here. Did any part of you want to get caught / make your dp pay more attention ect ?

well it is someone i have known for a while...he has been on the fringes of my friendship group for some years, so he isn't just a random - i neglected to mention that he had tried it on before on a couple of occasions, but i was not tempted, and brushed it off as drunkeness on his behalf. Friends were aware that he was attracted to me, and yes, I admit he is attractive. But so is my dp. as well as being kind and lovely.. I guess we have been going through a rocky patch due to various changes in our lives and i have found in previous relationships that I have often reached a point near the three year mark where I begin to get cold feet in some way - when things become a little stale maybe

just confused by how much this has shaken everything that seemed so strong and stable before I made what was ultimately a stupid mistake - I just want things to go back to how they were but not sure if I can get over this - know if I told dp he would probably end it as he is a very loyal and principled person and if I broke his trust I don't think he could forgive me. It is really eating me up inside though and just wish I had had a lot more self control and not acted like s stupid teenager! Sort of think it would be better out in the open as I don't like keeping secrets but think it could destroy our relationship.

Sorry to rant on, not really sure why i posted this, just wanted to get it off my chest as can't really speak to friends as too closely linked and afraid of being judged badly.. afaik the other man has not said anything to anyone. at least i hope not.

Thanks for your comments...they are useful

Think back to when you were a teenager. That crush you had, it was the BIG one. The very fact that you were walking along the same footpath that he walked upon was enough to set your heart racing. A year later and you wondered what the hell it was about him that set you in such a tizzy.

Fast forward 15 years. 15 years of steadiness and companionship. The first flush of passion is over and it's comfortable. Bang comes along that teenage crush thing. And guess what it's delicious, brings you out of the monotony, the mundane. It's a feeling like no other.

Ask yourself this one question. Is it the basis to start a new relationship?

Please stop beating yourself over this. Guilt is very destructive. Stop now. And remember in a years' time, you will wonder what it was all about.

Hi rumun, I'll try to help a little here as I am currently trying to get over a major crush. I have been completely blindsided by this - I got to know someone 2 yrs ago as I worked alongside him - both of us 50ish, married 20+ years, teenaged families. He gave lots of signs he liked me, there was definitely a "chemistry". Being honest I have a history of "crushes" going back to childhood ones on popstars etc. - put it down to not enough unconditional love or approval from parents, but that's no real excuse...Briefly, after a few weeks we had a major snog and admitted we fancied each other. We agreed in principle to have a bit of a fling, on the basis that we were both long-term married and a bit bored - shameful looking back. However, despite a few further furtive meetings and some intimate physical contact, but not full sex, nothing happened. Eventually he dropped off the contact by phone/text with me and left me high and dry, feeling a complete fool - not only that but an "old" fool too! I in the meantime had taken to thinking about him constantly, building the liaison up into something it clearly wasn't i.e. a serious romance when for him, with hindsight, it was just a bit of slap and tickle and I am suspecting he found me a bit too pushy. From my side I think he got scared of being found out. I'm not here though to debate the rights and wrongs of emotional affairs but I am now similar to you in that I'm trying really hard to get over this crush which has totally - well I'm reluctant to say devastated - me, but that's how it often feels.
I "pinned" the EMA/crush onto my DH who knew nothing of the crush - we had without doubt grown apart a bit but he did not deserve me cheating on him - and it was cheating, however much I felt justified in my behaviour. Awesome wellies is spot on with her "Is it possible..." paragraph - that is just what I did.
As OM stopped contacting me I just had to grit my teeth and get on with family life but it has been purgatory at times - I have been so desperately miserable and yet completely unable to tell my kind and caring DH what was wrong.
Eventually though, as we had one or two other minor issues within our marriage which needed addressing, I was able to find a time when I felt confident in raising the issue with DH. As part of a larger conversation I sort of "confessed" that I had had a friendship with someone which could have become something more. I told DH who it was and as he viewed OM as a bit of a wide-boy he wasn't totally surprised. DH was I think taken aback but I explained it all within the context of being a bit fed up inside a long, complacent marriage. The upshot was we both agreed to make minor changes to try and improve things. So don't automatically assume a confession will signal the end of your marriage. We are now doing more things together and seem happier.
I know this doesn't totally address how to get over a crush. Mine has had a huge effect on me. I am not the same person. I am amazed and not a little horrified at the effect someone ( and with hindsight, not even an especially nice person) could have on me. For me part of the solution has been tto get some counselling because I know these crushes represent some kind of problem/failing in me. That's been helpful because I now see the patterns emerging and can avoid the "tripwires" in future. There's a strong element of not loving myself as I should and needing others' approval to feel good.
I've resolved to be more honest - I really didn't like the devious so-and-so I was becoming - lying by omission, secretly texting, arranging meetings etc. And an old fashioned one - keeping busy - I have just signed up for a course once a week and rejoined my local gym - I think that means ptting myself centre stage for a change instead of OM, who I know is just merrily getting on with his life, oblivious of how the EMA has affected me.
Don't know if any of this helps but you did ask if anyone else out there was coping with a similar thing. Keep posting and if I think of anything else I will let you know.
I thought I could handle the situation and I couldn't. I fell for OM, he didn't fall for me as I had written the script and it is very hard picking up the pieces; going to take a long time!
Sorry for the long post, hope I've not bored everyone to tears!

Hello izquierda, thanks for your heartfelt and supportive message - I have been away for a few days, hence absence in response -

it is really good to hear someone else has experienced this feeling of being completely bowled over by something which outwardly is fairly insignificant as a relationship in itself and moreover, with an OM with whom you would not, were you single, possibly even wish to embark on a relationship ... in my case anyway.

It is just sexual chemistry, and what I am trying hard to tell myself is that the excitement and frisson of the early stages of any relationship will ultimately fade over time and it is what remains which is what is important - therefore I know that should I throw away a loving and supportive partnership with the only person with whom I have felt I could honestly spend the rest of my life (please excuse hideous cliche) for a maximum of ooh, 2 years of excitement and novelty, the inevitability is that once the honeymoon period fades to the humdrum reality of domestic life - what are you left with?

Is it better than the relationship which you threw away purely, and let's face it, really in search of sexual excitement with someone new? I could not do that to my DS and my DP - and it is something which I must address in myself - this tendency to get bored and move on. When I did not have ds to consider I flitted from relationship to relationship as soon as I felt the 'boredom' set in.

I think counselling is something I will consider. Like you, Izquierda, I have constantly sought the approval of men to make myself feel attractive and 'wanted', pathetic as that sounds.... Could blame it on losing both parents at a young age, could blame it on any number of things, but blame is not the answer as you rightly say - have always had such a reluctance to seek counselling, seeing it as a 'weak' option (i know it isn't - think I am just afraid of what it may unearth about myself!)

How do you feel now? Do you feel that your relationship with your DH has improved to a point which you are content with it? Good to hear you feel more positive and happy - truly time does heal all wounds. Can't stop with the awful cliches. Sorry!

Thanks again. And you have not bored me to tears - quite the opposite.

Hi again rumun, so glad you replied and sorry I didn't spot your message till now - I too have been busy over the weekend.
I've just had a long day but I am off work tomorrow and will have time then to reply properly if you could just bear with me. You raise a number of points which are very pertinent to my situation and talking to you is at the same time helping me to sort out my thoughts. I know I'm still hung up on OM and it is going to take a long time to get over him. But "talking" like this does help and it is a comfort to know I'm no the only one in the world...will get back on here tomorrow. hope you are okay - take care x

rumun- hang in there with your current relationship. At a minimum, do tell your DH that you would like to discuss ways of ensuring that you are not complacent with each other etc.

...the crush will pass and you will appreciate your relationship again...give it time.

Best wishes

Both ladies posting here - I really admire your honesty and self-awareness and hope you can help eachother.

I think the most astute bit of self-awareness was the admission that your esteem has been defined by men finding you attractive. I genuinely think that's why so many women become OW and involved in messy triangles, because they define themselves by sexual magnetism. This is something I really think would be useful to explore in counselling.

I also find it interesting and refreshing to read that a confession had a positive impact, but I also think that happened because you took total responsibility for what had happened izquierda and no doubt said how sorry you were.

I wish it weren't so, but I posted only today and have before about why women place far too much value on crushes and affairs and in order to make the new liaison less about sexual attraction, convince themselves that their primary relationships must be flawed for them to be doing this - and that the new partner must be true love.

It is so refreshing to read women admit that in reality, everything was basically sound with their primary relationship before getting involved with someone else and that it was only after getting involved that you started to notice flaws in your partner. I think this happens in so many affairs, but people need to be very clear-sighted to see this for what it is - an all-too-understandable desire to have a new romance and sex with someone else.

Men have had no trouble admitting this in the past and traditionally, have kept a perspective about affairs and what they mean, whereas I've seen so many women ditching perfectly good relationships because they won't admit, even to themselves, that they are driven by lust.

You both know that infidelity is horribly destructive and I'm struck again by how much it hurts the unfaithful party too. You both sound so damaged by the experience - it is something few books about infidelity acknowledge. It is why I often write about how good people have affairs and that the deceit and lies required should not define them as a person - as long as they learn from it and resolve never to deceive and lie again.

I always advise having some counselling before a disclosure, but I want to echo that having this secret between you is likely to get in the way of your intimacy together and talking about why you want to change long-established relationship patterns could be an enormous gift to your partner, OP. Phrasing it that you have now realised that he is too special for you to re-enact these habits and want to change, might bring you even greater intimacy and free you to ditch these limiting patterns of behaviour.

I think if you get some counselling and then talk to your partner, you might finally feel as if you've "grown up" and can commit fully to a monogamous relationship, if that is what you have promised eachother - and is how you want to live your lives.

SORRY RATHER LONG POST
Hello again rumun and thank you WWIFN for your words of wisdom which I find really helpful and encouraging. I'm not sure how much help I'm being, rumun, as my life at present is some days, like today unfortunately, one step forward two steps back. I seem to be grieving again today.

My problem is I do spend a lot of time alone and have a tendency to let my thoughts run away with me, but I do have two busy days ahead, in company, so hope to feel better as the week progresses. As you might gather, the after effects of my crush - I haven't seen OM since March - continue to affect me long after he stopped contacting me. The reason I would counsel anyone against acting on a crush, is that the aftermath can be so painful.

WWIFN, I even admitted to my DH about needing the approval/validation of other men - he could not really understand it as we have been married well over 20 years and he still really fancies me, and tells me often. I don't understand why that's not enough for me.

OM came into my life at a time when (my DH agrees on this) our marriage was a bit in the doldrums - work pressures for both of us, DCs in a constant round of GCSEs. AS levels, A levels, Univ. applications; we have a big house and gardens to maintain; I have ageing parents - nothing out of the ordinary but we seemed to have grown apart, more like a business partnership, got out of the habit of showing affection etc.

OM let it be known he "fancied" me; I encouraged him to the point we started meeting for coffee which then moved on to kissing and intimate physical contact. A boost to both our egos. With hindsight I think that was all he wanted. I on the other hand went off into a series of wild daydreams, although they amounted to nothing more than me hoping we would have wild sex one afternoon in a travelodge or similar. I didn't want either marriage breaking up - it was all fuelled by lust, I thought he and I were on the same page and both wanted a bit of fun on the side.

So caught up in all this was I that my morals and integrity on which I would hae previously prided my self went out of the window. Eventually it dawned on me - he never made it clear - that he had had what he wanted - and had had enough. with the help of a couple of RL friends and a couple of friends via MN and ivillage, I managed to go "NC" no contact and have kept this up, even though some days I have nearly gone mad.

I tried to justify my actions by telling myself my husband was boring, letting himself go and getting very middle aged. Unfortunately for DH, OM was 5 years younger than me, a real go-getter in his field, lively, upbeat and enthusiastic. I felt entitled to a bit of fun. The truth is, we both needed a kick to improve our marriage which is basically a good solid one.

After 4 months or so knowing OM was not coming back for me I realised I simply had no option but to find a way forward with DH. A long summer holiday abroad loomed and I couldn't face it. So I decided to broach the subject, in terms of "how can we improve things, move forward etc."and I "confessed" as part of that. I reasoned that our 20+r marriage was strong enough to withstand a small crisis.

Just to go back to one or two of your points WWIFN, I never saw OM as a long term bet or a "new love", I just wanted some physical closeness because DH and I had become distant. It was primarily aout sex. OM was totally inappropriate for me - nowhere near as educated or cultured (if that doesn't sound too snobby!) opposite politics to mine; ruthless and not ethical in certain business dealings...lots of little things I now notice but happily disregarded whilst in the throes!

It is amazingly destructive, I could never have imagined how hurt I would feel, "damaged" is exactly the word. I know I must sound like I feel sorry for myself but I do take responsibility for what I did indeed, I told my DH that I had encouraged OM and that the blame was 50-50.

About the counselling - I was lucky in that I had discussed marriage issues with someone (Relate-trained) a couple of years prior to all this, so I went back to her and she really helped me get my head round it. I only needed 4/5 sessions so it wasn't overly expensive. I would really, really recommend that, rumun, if you can.

I think I may still need to explore further why I find it hard to accept my DH's approval and love for me and why I'm susceptible to other men's attention. Something to do with not loving myself properly I would imagine.

I know I've been prone to crushes since my teens, it is all rather undignified an unseemly now I've passed 50!

Again, don't know if this has helped at all? Do keep posting!