Would truly appreciate some help/advice re marriage breakdown

[shoormal]

Hi

I'm usually a lurker here and am a relatively new member but I hope you don't mind as I could really do with some help.

My husband told me a few weeks ago that he wanted our relationship to end (together 22 years, married for 18 with one almost 14yo DD). Things have not been wonderful between us for a long time but as I though we were actually getting along okay it came as a bit of a shock. Part of me is beginning to accept things while another part of me is finding it very very hard.

We are in no real rush to actually separate but I don't want to be living in what feels like a very uncomfortable situation for years (which is kind of what he suggested). Neither of us want to disrupt our DD too much.

One thing I'm finding hard is that she is very intuitive and very close to me and keeps picking up that I'm feeling like crap! I don't want to stick her in the middle by telling her but it's hard.

What's really rather panicking me at the moment is that I've not been working since I was made redundant last year. I deliberately took the time off to study for a qualification I was doing and have now finished. My idea is to build up my career in my new profession but I think I'm going to have to look for a job as I might need to start thinking about a mortgage.

Another panicky thing is that I don't know if I would be entitled to anything if we sell the house. When we first bought it, my H made it clear he didn't want a joint mortgage. That was fine by me at the time as in my naivity I didn't think I'd find myself in this situation. The house is now fully paid off and he paid it all. Am I stuffed?

Can't quite believe I'm in this situation and having to ask these questions.

I would really really appreciate some help. Only 2 of my friends know so far that there's something wrong and the rest will be shocked rigid as no-one expects us to split up.

Thanks for listening.

I didn't have my name on the mortgage on our marital home either, but since it was bought during our marriage as the marital home (bought in 1998, separated last year) it is as much mine as his.

Get yourself a solicitor asap (try Resolution website) and as a priority, register your interest in the house (under Matrimonial Home Rights) with the Land Registry.

My eldest DD is 13 tomorrow, she had the situation sussed long before either of us discussed it with her, and was worrying about lots of things that weren't going to happen. Best you have that talk sooner rather than later, I think.

don't worry about the home, as lilac21 says, it is an asset of the marriage, it doesn't matter much whose name is on the mortgage.

An 18 year marriage counts as a long marriage and you have certainly contributed and will be entitled to a fair division of all the assets. For eg, if you gave up on work opportunities to care for your child, then you will be compensated for that if there is enough money.

Can you discuss finanical matters calmly with him? Would mediation help? Is there enough money for both of you to get your own place?

You are going to have a lot to deal with, both practically and emotionally and it is going to be hard, but you will not be left with nothing just because you didn't have a joint mortgage.

I guess you know better than anyone, but personally I don't think I'd want to live in that kind of limbo for long. If the marriage is over, I'd want to be living apart and making a new life for myself.

Get some good legal advice and good luck.

Thanks ever so much for the replies. I guess I do have to find out my legal position.

Money has always been a touchy subject with us however I'm just going to have to face up to it and work out what's best.

Ideally I'd like to sell our house so we can both start again with as low a mortgage as possible.

Lilac21 - your DD sounds like mine and I would rather keep her informed about things. I've always been honest with her and don't like to feel like I'm lying.

Thanks again.