How can I sort things out when I'm hurting so much? Advice desperately needed.....

[nightmare76]

Have been with dp for 15 years and married for 5 with 1 daughter. Over the last few months we have had a nightmare time where we have both come to the realisation that our marriage might be over. There is no specific easy to explain reason for this, but we have spent many hours soul searching, having discussions (we are both talkers and very open with one another), as well as counselling both individually and as a couple. We have both acknowledged that we have changed (sounds very cliched, but true) and want different things in life. We are however, very good friends and have similiar values and ideas as parents. Dh, although fully acknowledging our problems, is desperate to sort things out, and absolutely doesn't want to split, although does realise the seriousness of the problem. I don't want to split either, but, if I'm absolutely honest, and it pains me to say it, cannot say 100 percent whether I want to stay married or not.

We are now at the stage where we both feel emotionally drained and don't know where to go next. If we didn't have our daughter, we both agree that we would live separately for a time, to give each other space and time to really think about what we want. I have considered renting somewhere but obviously that involves uprooting our daughter, as she would spend half of the time at least living with me. (We both work similiar hours and have agreed that if we split permanently or temporarily, we would share the care of our child). Dh has offered reluctantly to stay at a friends, although I feel that this would only be for a short time and would feel guilty if he did this as its both our home.

The problem is that I'm hurting, he's hurting, and I feel dreadful for how he's feeling. Its like it would be easier if he or I had 'done' something wrong - at least then, we would have something to attribute the hurting to, and would probably have made the definite decision to split. I know the alternatives are to either split permanently now (but we feel thats too hasty), or, give it a few months longer under the same roof and 'work at it'. However, my gut feeling is that space and time apart would help because I feel that I'm drowning in all of it, and can't see anything clearly. I know there are no easy answers to all of this, but would appreciate any advice/experience from anybody who has gone through this - did you split temporarily? Did it help? Did you decide to split but remain in the home together in the short term? Am I wrong to expect this time apart, or unrealistic to? Is it asking too much to basically want out for a few months to sort my own head out? Ultimately I do feel guilty - I haven't done anything specifically, but dh and I both know that I am more unsure about things than him ifyswim. He is still my very good friend and sometimes it feels like my heart will break because I am hurting him, yet I can't pretend that everything will be alright.

If you really feel no pain at him being best friend and lover of another woman then it doesn't sound too good. He offered to go and stay with friends you said? I'd take him up on that and have some time to think.

Hi again.
Agree with nomedoit that you must remember how lonely you may feel if you leave him.
Also, it sounds like you are expecting your daughter to live with you most of the time? Imagine how you would feel if your DP was planning to split with you and part you from her. That's the threat you have hanging over him which is very tough indeed.

I still can't help feeling that you are too good friends to split up and put all three of you through misery. You seem to have a sufficiently strong friendship to maintain a good relationship so perhaps the sex is the most important thing? You could post on that topic on mumsnet and see what opinions/advice you get. (Using a new name to keep it secret?) Maybe it is sexual counselling you need rather than anything else? Hope you don't mind me suggesting that but I think sex is really important for most people in a successful relationship and, in my experience, it is more about what is in your head than anything physical. If you fancied him once it is possible to enjoy being close to him and intimate again, in time.
x

One word of warning. I don't think trial separations have anything in common with divorce. Divorce is so much more. These separations when one person goes to live somewhere else is really play-acting. When you divorce that's it. No half-measures.

Hi. I do feel for you.

You say you met very young. I'm sorry if I've missed your ages: I'm assuming you've been together through your twenties, during which time you've forged careers, set up house, developed your family & social life. It's an intensive growing-up period - in many very important ways, life in your twenties shapes & forms the adult you become. This is the precise reason why elders urge young adults to keep their options open - not to commit, too heavily, to any one thing before they've tried on a few different lives for fit.

Two people, marching forward together in their twenties, can make two different lives from the same set of experiences. You couldn't possibly have known, when you set out, that this would happen. Neither of you did anything wrong. There's no shame in it, nor any blame or fault. You have grown up differently. Nobody could ever accuse you of taking your commitments & promises lightly, or your shared hopes & expectations. It's a sad outcome, though not a very unusual one.

Where this has happened to people I know, they've often found it helpful to take some time away together. Free of daily routines (and everyone else's expectations), it can be easier to examine your feelings and agree on the most helpful way forward for each of you. Separations & divorces often happen quite smoothly and with minimum pain. I feel the two of you respect each other enough to succeed in this, giving all three of you the right opportunities to grow as the people you are now.

I wish you both wisdom & compassion :)

"Separations & divorces often happen quite smoothly and with minimum pain."

On what planet, Isee? There are children involved here. I'm not saying the OP should stay for their sake but I do think she and her DH need to give their marriage every chance to succeed. Marriages can accommodate different desires and priorities. It's very easy to blame the other partner for stalled dreams and ambitions. The challenge is to create those within the marriage.

Reading her posts, it looks to me as though nightmare76 has done everything possible and isn't taking her predicament lightly by any means.

She's not in prison, she hasn't got to "make the best of it." Successful divorces happen on planet Earth, frequently. A 'happy' divorce doesn't make the news; families just get on with it - regretfully, but with love.

Thank you again for all your posts.

I did get together with dh when I was only 18. I had our daughter 3 years later. We were living together, but things did happen rather sooner than planned. I have always been the type to 'get on with it' and count my blessings. So, once we knew we were having a family, we ploughed everything into making it right - saving to buy a bigger house and adjusting our lifestyles as we all do when we have children.

I have worked since our daughter was 3, and we juggled childcare which was diffcult as we both have careers, but manageable. Now our child is older, it does free you up a bit; obviously she is still a child, but I have far more independence than when she was a baby. This, coupled with taking on more responsibilities in my job (which I enjoy) means that I have very much changed from the person I was a few years ago. Thats not to say that my marriage comes after that but I feel I've changed so much as a person.

The other big area I've thought about is both of our perspectives on relationships. I have 2 very close friends who are in marriages which involve plodding along. In many ways I absolutely admire them, they know deep down that there are issues, or that they have grown apart in many ways, but, they stay married for their children. I am normally a very cautious and thoughtful person who doesn't make decisions lightly and in many ways think that we too should just keep at it. However, on the negative side, I have seen the sadness inside my friends, and one in particular feels that the problems are worsening and wish they had been addressed a while ago.

I fear that if things went on and on, dh and I would grow to resent one another and become either depressed or sad and this would extremely damaging to dc. I know the alternative isn't great - a separation could also be damaging to dc - but, I am someone who likes to act on decisions rather than float along. I know that I could make the decision to stick with it no matter what - I wish in my heart of hearts that I 100 percent wanted to do this. Its because I'm not 100 percent that I feel in such limbo.

A quick update;

Last night dh and I had another long, long talk. What struck me (rather sadly) was that although he wants everything to be 'alright' and absolutely doesn't want to split, he does want things to go back to how they used to be, and wants things to be 'good'. This led on to another long, long talk about expectations, and whether he could accept that things might sometimes be 'ok' rather than good, and that we would both need to feel free to follow our interests (which are quite different) to some extent to be happy in ourselves.

I talked alot about some marriages of friends/family. Obviously, nobody knows another's marriage inside out, but, I do know many couples who have reached some kind of 'agreement' and acceptance to not exactly plod along, but just accept that a marriage cannot always be entirely fulfilling. I asked him outright whether he could accept this. He said he wasn't sure, but later kept saying that he thought things 'would work out'. I just feel that dh is to some extent, burying his head in the sand and am now slowly allowing myself to admit that we are going to part. We have talked so much and this, along with the counselling just seems to have highlighted the differences. I feel absolutely drained and like I'm living a lie. I feel guilty for hurting him and on edge when he is around.

I feel I will consider things a bit longer but am thinking now of planning practically for the future, apart. The major positive is our mutual desire to obviously put our dc first, we are able to talk about arangements for her amicably and I just know that although we will be apart, she will have 2 parents who love her dearly and will put her above anything or anyone else.

You've been honest and courageous. As your thoughts & feelings move along, be prepared for a lot of anger on his part. Ostriches hate having their head pulled out of the sand! From what you've written, it sounds as though you're both good, well-intentioned people and will be able to set one another free, with all due care & attention to DD. Good luck; thanks for your update.