Staying for the kids - explain why please

[dorky]

Why do couples stay together for the sake of the kids?

Isn't it poor role modelling to accept a relationship that you would not like for your kids?

Isn't it unfair on a partner to stay for finances, and convenience?

I really don't understand why people in a less than happy marriage think it's better than going it alone... please enlighten me

Why the hell would children have unfulfilling relationships because their parents do? What a flimsy, convenient response.

Remember we're not talking about abusive or desperately unhappy relationships as has been clearly differentiated. We're talking about accepting a relationship that is not all running through meadows, one that is not damaging to the children or obviously miserable but one that is not deeply fulfilling.

Are your parents divorced HB? Do you have first hand experience of the devastation it causes and the lifelong problems that transpire for the children? I don't mean to offend those who are divorced, I realise it's sometimes necessary, for the best even, and that everyone on here cares as deeply about their dc as I do, but my god the ramifications of divorce cannot be underplayed.

"Why the hell would children have unfulfilling relationships because their parents do? What a flimsy, convenient response"

Really? Don't you know anything about role modelling proudnsad? Don't you know that it's normal for us to learn about relationships and what to expect from them, from our parents? There's nothing flimsy about that at all, there is masses and masses of evidence out there that shows that family patterns are repeated generation after generation. That's why if you do grow up in an unhappy family, it's very important to break that cycle. If you can't break it by being happy with your partner, then you have to try and break it some other way.

No, my parents weren't divorced. They didn't need to divorce, to damage all of their children in one way or another.There's more than one way to screw up a child.

oh and I have first hand experience of the devastation wrought by growing up in an unhappy family and I don't think the life long ramifications of that should be underplayed either.

Let's stop pretending that divorce is the worse thing that can happen to a child. There are so many ways we can fuck up children, but if we stay married in unhappy relationships, we can kid ourselves they're OK and we don't have to face up to the fact that we may be damaging them. The one positive thing about family break up, is that it forces you to look at why you got yourself into that relationship in the first place, and to break that cycle. All the time I was with my ex I could kid myself that our DS was OK, because at least his parents lived together. He wasn't. It's only when I split with my xp that I could admit to myself that we were damaging our ds and take steps to stop and hopefully reverse the damage.

But we're not talking about growing up in an unhappy family, we're talking about accepting 'good enough' relationships for the sake of the children.

If you want to broaden it to dysfunctional families in general we'll be here all night.

Of course divorce isn't the only way to damage a child for Christmas sake, but we're specifically talking about divorce

I thought we were discussing unhappy families P&S. Because there just aren't that many people who end "good enough" relationships.

And anyway like beauty, it's in the eye of the beholder. What constitutes good enough?

I grew up wishing my mother would walk out as she threatened to do on a regular basis though she would always say she was only staying for our sake . It was obvious to my siblings and I, my mother was a very unhappy person, she became more angry and bitter and lashed out at her husband and children. I promised myself when I had children I would never say or do any of the things she did to us, to my children and would leave if life with the other person became unbearable and influenced the children negatively in anyway.

I discovered my h had a long-term affair and we separated for 6 months. Even after I discovered the transgression of mammoth proportions, we kept the relationship civil for the children's sake throughout that time because I had learnt at an early age how awful it is for the defenceless children. While we were separated, I enjoyed rediscovering myself and getting on with life. I was moving on in a positive way though I was still unhappy, because I couldn't bear sharing only a small portion of our DCs life (DD 7 and DS 5). We went through individual and couple counselling. We have been acting as a family now for 8 months, relocated back to our home country and it is difficult. As someone mentioned earlier I chose the least worst option.Though if h ever deceives me again there is no second chance.

Interesting thread this, I've not too much to add, my parents have been happily married for 30+ years, but I'm sure they've had their ups and downs.

Being cynical, I think too many of us expect too much from our marriages. Most of us are pretty average people, the chances are our husbands will be and so will our marriages.