Im on maternity so im on holiday? Really?

[maymunoc]

1st time on here so sorry bout lack of abbreviations.

Do all men think that being on MA is just like bing on holiday and so completely alludes them as 2 why ur house doent look like Hopwells showroom and u dont look like u've just stepped off a catwalk & the last thing u want at night, when u finaly poor urself into bed is sex.

or..... am I really not coping with motherhood very well?

Sorry 4 going off like this but really need 2 talk about all this & get some unbias advice & 2 say im reading 2 much into this but I need the truth & I just cant get that from my friends right now.

2 me, what he is saying is I love u both & will do anything & make this work as a family...... as long as it doesnt get in the way of what I want 2 do.......

Please tell me that I am looking 2 much into this & I am totally off base & 2 give the guy a break.

But if thats not the truth, then at least I know that I still have my sanity.

No, I'm sorry May, I don't think that is the truth. You aren't looking too much into this. You have left, and he still hasn't made an effort? What is it going to take for him to WAKE UP and realise what it is he is losing by behaving like this?

I'm sorry but nothing you can do will make this guy grow up. My ex also used to say "All I want is for us to be a real family" "I just want to make it work" etc etc ad nauseum.

What he means is, he wants to go out to work and out to the pub, and you sit at home, do all the housework and keep the children quiet and clean for him. Occasionally he can bring you (ie "his family") out as a trophy to show the world how wonderful he is. But other than that, you're there to keep his house tidy, make his dinner, and provide sex on tap. This in his mind is a fair exchange for the money he earns at work, what else could you possibly want? He will provide you with anything you need in the world!

Sorry, I know this is hard to hear. But honestly, do you want the rest of your life to be like this, with no emotional support? It sounds very lonely and utterly depressing to me. I was told the same by the way, that I had PND and if I went on medication everything would be fine. What bollocks - no medication in the world would have changed the fact that my ex was an arse. Yes, I probably was depressed - but it wasn't hormonal, it was a perfectly rational response to a horrible situation.

I hope you are okay and I wish you luck. Stay strong and think about what you really want - and keep posting. Keep yourself educated about the stages he is likely to go through to convince you to come back, because you want to be prepared. Mumsnet is famed for its "tough love" but it really is wonderful advice. Think of it as coming from a big sister - might be a bit blunt, but in your best interests.

(Also, it doesn't matter if you use the abbreviations or not, but a lot of posters here find text speak irritating or difficult to read, so it's considered impolite to use it. You said you are new so I thought I'd point this out!) :)

Thank you so much for your advice both on relationship and on text speak. I hate it with a passion but have some how got into using some of it for time but it takes me an age to work out what is being said (have to look at the acronyms list) I have then doing my best to do the same but it takes me so much longer than normal talk. (I use to be a sec so my typing not too bad).

I cant believe this is happening. Im so not ready for this, I thought I was happy until recently (not that this has not been going on for a while, but I was so busy trying to look after a very difficult baby and the house and the house). I tuned out of it all and had no problem with him going to the pub most nights (it gave me more time to get stuff done which means he has less to moan about).

It would be so much easier if I wasnt totally and completely in love with him.

I have to go back very soon, my little angle is really struggling with all this. She has been such a wonderful little angle over the past few days when it would b totally understanding for her to be all over the place like i am. I have noticed today that she is getting really clingy, she screams when i leave the room, she wakes up and screams until I get her.

My friends are happy for me to stay as long as I need (she has 2 little ones of her own) and she gets back from her holiday on weds (been very lucky to have an empty house to stay in throughtout all of this) but her house is manic and my poor little angle just cant handle it. Thats if she doesnt crack before then.

I know babies are very resilient but this is already effecting her and things are going to get a whole lot worse before they even begin to get better so I need to make this as stress free for her as possible.

Please don't go back to him just because your friend is returning.

Before you go back to him you really need to sort out your problems. Once you return to work you will have even less time for the housework and things will only get worse unless this is sorted. He really has to take some responsibility for the household chores and childcare. It is a matter of respect for you and his DD.

As he is so controlling, I think you should also have a read of this and have a serious think to see if any of it applies.

The suggestion of going to relate was also an excellent one.

I know it's stressful for your DD at the moment, but is it not more stressful at home when mummy and daddy are arguing? She is seven months old - I promise you, all she wants is cuddles and milk, maybe a bit of food, a few toys, but really as long as you are there, she will be fine. Have you thought of getting a sling you can use in the house during the day? That might help her feel more secure if your environment keeps changing.

I know that it is hard in the short term but you need to think about the long term. My DS was 14 months when we moved out from living with his dad and he was unsettled for about 2 months - but now, it's like he is a different child, he is so much more chilled out in general. He must have picked up on the tension between me and XP when we lived together more than I realised.

Phone women's aid before you leave your friend's house just to see what they say, they will most likely have some really helpful advice. It's free from a landline - the number is 0808 2000 247 - so you can call from your friend's phone and not worry about it costing her money. Don't worry about taking resources from women in worse situations either, you are just as entitled to advice and support even if the phone call is all you need. Probably the least busy time to ring would be about 7pm, but the helpline is open 24 hours.

yes, it's not only men who think like this. For various reasons, I was primary carer for our DS from when he was 9 months and one day I had a phone call from someone checking my availability for some freelance work. I explained that I was doing full-time child-care, so she asked the age of the baby. When I told her 14 months, she said, 'so what exactly are you doing right now?'

sorry , to clarify, and I am a man

maymunoc have you decided to go back?