Separation advice

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A bit of background.

I left my DW and two DCs (2.5 years and under 1 year about a month ago). The reason was my emotional infidelity amongst other things.

Have been to relate which has helped understand some of the issues in the marriage.

DW would like to try and make it work again but I am not so sure I want to as I am not clear it could work. There also is the added complication of the DCs being older if it does not work and hence more pain for them.

I have admitted to DW I don't love her anymore and neither have we got the happy medium of being friends either. She has said if its divorce then being amicable is out as well.

My questions are:

1. For anyone who has gone through this, am I likely to lose the close relationship I have with my DCs (both now and in the future) or is it somehow possible to maintain it?

1. Again either male or female perspective, if you had a marriage of 11 years with more downs than ups, and you knew you did not love your DW/DH in the manner they would want, what is the best course of action?

There has been enough pain and suffering from all parties and I am keen to make the right decision but have no idea what it is.

Any advice appreciated
Thanks

Is the ow still around ?

Why does she want to make it work if you're not friends?

If you don't love your wife and therefore it is likely you will be unfaithful again, then you must remain separated. Living in a veneer marriage is a terrible example to children.

It is still absolutely possible to have a great co-parenting relationship, but if you cannot be friends with your wife at the moment, then take the DCs to your own space and in the process, give your wife a break so that she can pick up the threads of her life and move on, hopefully finding someone who will love her.

What I would also advise is to examine why you chose infidelity instead of dealing with any problems that existed in your marriage. People can fall out of love and marriages can be mistakes from the off, but infidelity always makes things worse for the betrayed partner, especially as in your case, your wife had so recently given birth. Emotional infidelity is often far more painful to deal with too.

Don't go for the easy option of returning. Learn from the mistakes made and just be a good Dad - and support your wife in her efforts to build a new life without you. This would be the kindest way of dealing with the situation. Even if your wife is saying that she can stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't love her, don't let her choose that route; she might not realise it now, but it will destroy any esteem she's got left.

Make a full and sincere apology for the infidelity and set her free.

When I broke up with my dd's father he was very bitter and angry (even though we split up because he'd been unfaithful and wouldn't promise not to do it again).

But he got over it eventually and we are now on cordial terms.

It's possible for you to stay close to your dcs if you are both willing to put them first rather than using them as weapons against each other.

We have never hador neededany formal arrangements re "custody" or maintenance. He picks her up from school two or three times a week and keeps her until close to bedtime, has her one night every weekend, takes her away on holiday etc. She has always been allowed to call/text him whenever she wants while she is with me.

There is the occasional bout of sulking when one of us feels s/he has done more than our fair share of dropping off/picking up/attending school events etc but that blows over in a day or two.

But generally it works brilliantly (has been going on for eight years now) and has been worth the effort for her wellbeing and happiness and everyone else's peace of mind.

No the OW was over a year ago.

Thanks for the input, but I can see DW's point my 2.5 year is still confused and I am not particularly keen on not seeing either of them so rarely.

On the friendly terms, DW is one of those people for which its black and white.

Just to understand logically I cannot see why I cannot love her she is a good mother, good looking etc I just cannot find it in me. Anyone else like that

Well - your youngest is still under one. How's s/he sleeping?

How did you feel about your wife when you were trying for your youngest? Was the new baby supposed to reaffirm the marriage?

How old are you out of interest ? and have you had counselling either alone or together ?

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass might help you understand how your affair happened and has chapters on reconciling/repairing your marriage, these might help you repair your relationship with your wife as co-parents rather than married partners IYSWIM.

My DH didn't think he loved me, we had both got bogged down with young DCs, pressure of the business, finances etc so no effort was put into ourselves or our relationship. After his affair we went to counselling - there was no lightbulb moment for him, more of him seeing me as the person I was when we first met, why he fell in love with me etc. We went out on dates etc, had more fun together, talked a lot more. You were giving to the OW what you should have been giving to your DW. You found time for the OW so you could have found time for your DW.

My DH was (and still is to a certain extent) going through some sort of midlife crisis brought about by childhood issues that were not dealt with properly. He has had to make an awful lot of changes to himself, done a lot of self analysis. It is about the issues of the person having the affair not the betrayed spouse, there may have been issues within the marriage but an affair is never the answer.