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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic parents???

16 replies

JosieRosie · 29/08/2010 14:43

Hi all
My parents have just been to stay with us for a weekend and I have spent an hour sobbing after seeing them off. Brief back story - I grew up in Ireland (been living in UK for 8 years, am very happy here and consider myself British), they are Irish and very proud of it. They have been desperate for me to move back 'home' since I've been here. They are extremely controlling and unsupportive. Been living with my partner for 2 years - they obviously don't like him despite him being one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, he's the sort of man I just about dared to hope would come into my life.
Was out for dinner last night with folks, aunt and uncle and my parter and my dad asked what we were doing on BH Monday. I said we were going out for a special dinner as it's our 2 year anniversary of moving in together. My aunt said 'that's nice!' which I felt was very supportive and positive, my parents just gave blank looks. It was as if I hadn't even spoken. I feel SO HURT and feel that their behaviour is totally unreasonable, not to mention downright rude!

I'm sorry this is so long, there is A LOT of backstory as you can imagine (no physical/sexual abuse/addictions, but years of what I would consider emotional abuse) but I still feel so hurt by them and really feel like I need some support! I know you're such a supportive bunch which is why I have come here. Am I being oversensitive/unreasonable? Thank you if you have read this far!

OP posts:
diddl · 29/08/2010 14:54

Well tbh I don´t see moving in together as a anniversary, so would perhaps also not comment.

Gay40 · 29/08/2010 15:07

I might have looked blank as well, but there's so much backstory it obviously affected you differently.
As an isolated incodent when everything else is OK - yes you overreacted. However, if they are controlling etc then they have just given you another reason to dislike their company.

diddl · 29/08/2010 15:16

Perhaps they don´t like the fact that you are living together?

TBH, I don´t see "that´s nice" as supportive.

That´s what I would say rather than something negative.

But if your parents have always been supportive then the onky thing you can do is change your reaction to it imo.

Don´t bother to tell them anything then you can´t get hurt.

Eglu · 29/08/2010 15:22

If your parents are conservative, is it the fact that they don't think you should be living together since you aren't married.

Not sure about your Aunts comment. Depends on the way it was said.

diddl · 29/08/2010 15:26

should be if your parents have always been unsupportive

And only, not onkyBlush

Original poster
JosieRosie · 29/08/2010 15:38

Yes, they have always been unsupportive. They don't like my partner and as Catholics, they do disapprove of us living together. I undertand that moving in together anniversary doesn't really sound like a huge deal, but my partner and I are very anti-marriage so living together is a very big deal for us. We are very happy together and I wasn't expecting them to put the flags out, just show that they were happy that I am happy.

Diddl, I agree that my aunt's comment doesn't sound super-supportive, but I have been so starved of support from my family that it actually meant a lot to me Sad. I feel that I was only expecting my parents to show some acknowledgement that I'm happy and they couldn't even manage that.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JosieRosie · 29/08/2010 16:10

Good advice SMP, thank you. Have been seeing a psychotherapist recently which is also helping lots. Just wanted some reassurance that I'm not over-reacting. They hurt me so much, can't stand their coldness

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 29/08/2010 16:56

Have you read the book 'toxic parents'? Might br a good place to start. Emotionally detaching is the right way to go. You're a grown adult now and as hard as it is you'll have to accept you don't have the parents you want/wish for/deserve. You have to learn to stop needing their approval so much, if very controlling I dpapecr they have taught you to seek their approval on everything, you really don't need it. You'll have to try (hard as it is) to care less about what they think. It'll take a while buy you'll get there!

Dalrymps · 29/08/2010 16:57

I expect they have taught

Original poster
JosieRosie · 29/08/2010 18:17

Thanks a lot Dalrymps. I have read Toxic Parents and recognised a lot of it! You're absolutely right about detatching myself from them and I need to train myself to stop needing their approval. I'm starting to accept that I can never hope to change them, but can change myself to become more independent. It's hard work!

OP posts:
Conundrumish · 29/08/2010 20:14

Well I think that moving in together is a big thing to celebrate, and something that I would certainly celebrate!

Sorry they are so unsupportive - hope some of the other threads can help.

Aminata100 · 29/08/2010 21:01

yea, your parents want you to move back to Ireland and back into the fold and be the dutiful daughter, take care of them in their (eventual) dotage, I've seen it happen, kids giving up their own life and jobs in other places to move back "home", never made them happy :(

How selfish! They really lay on the guilt trip!
Don't fall for it, you have your life to live and you have that right!

"How people treat me is their path, how I react, is mine"

I am still learning how to deal with the family manipulation Confused

As long as you keep contact and visit when you can, what more do they want?

Dalrymps · 29/08/2010 21:49

Aminata says it well, don't fall for the guilt trip indeed. The more you do what you want, the happier you'll be.

I went no contact with my toxic parents, it's not for everyone but it works for me at the moment. I've never felt so happy. Reading toxic parents helped me get rid of some of the guilt.

Moving in together is worth celebrating and if it's important to you and makes you happy that's all that matters. If they can't see by their own selfishness to celebrate your happiness then stuff them!

I don't understand why patents behave this way, I find it so hard to accept because all I ever want for my boys is for them to be happy,. It doesn't matter if what makes them happy is different from what I would do cause everyone is different.

I hope you manage to get to a place where they no longer stress you out so much, seek approval from yourself and drown out their negative voices in your head.

Dalrymps · 29/08/2010 21:51

why parents behave

Original poster
JosieRosie · 29/08/2010 22:42

Thank you so much for your advice everyone. It's confirmed what I felt already but I really need as much validation as possible at the moment. Much appreciated x

OP posts:
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