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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This one is for the divorced mums.....

22 replies

CeeTee · 30/08/2005 21:46

What was the breaking point? (If Im not being too nosy).....What made you decide to sign the line?

OP posts:
nikkie · 30/08/2005 22:58

Which point?
the splitting? or the divorce?

CeeTee · 31/08/2005 15:25

The point where you were like....Its OVER... when ya'll decided to officially seperate.

OP posts:
FeelingOld · 31/08/2005 19:22

When, after giving him a 2nd chance, cos he had been having an affair with my 'best friend', I caught them at her house and she was in her dressing gown and he looked flushed, but he said he was there to end it with her. For some reason I didn't believe him and although it broke my heart I told him to pack his bags and go. The relationship with her lasted just 2 months.

lilibet · 31/08/2005 20:49

When I realised that the example that I was setting to my children about what married life should be like was wrong.

They were learning that mums and dads don't speak, that dads hit mums, that mums and dads never touch or hug or kiss.

I didn't want them to grow up thinking that this was what was marriage was.

Lasvegas · 01/09/2005 14:41

When he told me 1)that the work colleague he had moved into our spare room (because she had fallen on hard times and had no friends) was actually his mistress! 2) A week after birth of our DD he told me he didn't want to have a child. He hadn't told me this me this during the 4 years of trying for a family and the 7 years of marriage, because he thought he was infertile!

It was nearly 3 years ago and I laugh about it now but at the time when BF endlessly and no sleep I was livid.

mommie · 01/09/2005 16:05

lilibet - how sad but how absolutely spot on. good for you

mumtosomeone · 01/09/2005 16:09

I remember laying in the bath and thinking..I dont want this for the next 40 years!!!!

ggglimpopo · 01/09/2005 16:23

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 01/09/2005 16:57

after he had been consistently nasty insulting violent and horrible for about 3 years (maybe Im the biggest sucker on mumsnet!), oh and had other women too. Finally put a cross on him around Janurary 2004.

lasvegas what a nerve!!!

ggglimpopo · 01/09/2005 17:51

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 02/09/2005 09:19

ggg
Im in France this weekend with a computer and a broadband connection.
Our home computer was out of order for a bit, and Im still mourning my gorgeous silver Siemens Fujitsu Lifebook that I had in my previous job.

lilibet · 02/09/2005 12:45

Ah, but now I'm married to someone wonderful and my children see all the time what marriage should be like - bloody good!! We kiss, and hug, we snuggle on the couch, usually with a child trying to get in the middle of us!

And if they hear us snap or argue, which we all do on occasions, they hear us apolgise afterwards

But they don't see what fun making up is !!

where are you up to CeeTee?

CeeTee · 07/09/2005 20:55

I was at the point where I've spent too much time unhappy, but also thinking, I made vows & I've spent too much time nurturing this relationship to give up.
Dh must have sensed some changes in my attitude, & we are getting along beautifully.
He is making many changes, as am I. Thanks for asking Lilibet, & congrats on the new hubby!

OP posts:
CeeTee · 12/09/2005 23:51

Things going amazingly shitty again....can't take much more but I have become the boy whos cried wolf with leaving, no one to run to help to. I'm a postive, happy, smart girl....don't understand why I should constantly put up with bullshit, am starting to think like mumtosomeone.....how are things now, & how hard was it at the beginning?

OP posts:
Caligula · 13/09/2005 00:19

I cried wolf a couple of times before it really ended too. Looking back, there was a manic period of about three months where I went from saying "that's it, it's over, I want you to go" to desperately trying to save it, sit down and talk about how we were going to work it out.

What pushed me in the end, was one evening when we'd talked (yet again) about honesty, trust, openness, etc. etc. and were just about to go to bed for a shag and then a niggling voice at the back of my mind reminded me that he hadn't shown me his bank statement to prove what he was saying was true. And I could no longer trust him to tell me the truth. I needed to see it to put my mind at rest. And he'd gone a thousand pounds overdrawn.

I just looked at it and laughed. And said "well I think this demonstrates that we don't have a partnership, do we?" I'd spent three months trying to come up with strategies to make our relationship work, mostly to do with honesty and open communication, and he'd spent 3 months going behind my back spending our money on who knows what and hiding it from me.

It was at that point that I faced the fact that he wasn't my partner, he was this very expensive stranger who happened to live in my house, shag me occasionally and do a bit of not very high-quality babysitting. At that point, I realised that an au-pair would be better value and less trouble.

steffee · 13/09/2005 00:59

Don't worry about "crying wolf", it's a huge step and not something you just wake up and think "this is it, I'm sick of it all" and really mean it without having many doubts and niggles for a while. You didn't meet your man and think "right I'm gonna get married to him" without thinking it through, and now you've got children too which makes it much harder.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

cinderelly · 14/09/2005 22:42

my situation very similar to caligula,, in fact its that similar Im starting to wonder?? Hmmm.. never had him down for bigamy, but then he was always full of (bad) suprises.
It came to the point where I felt like I was just being used. I would always put him first but he never did the same for me. I couldnt trust him and felt bad for always second guessing him. The last few weeks before we split were the lonliest Id ever felt and I just wanted someone to look after me for a change. This was when I realised that he wasnt capable of giving me what I needed, he was just blatently enjoying the free ride. My only regret is that I didnt do it years ago!

Caligula · 14/09/2005 22:58

Ha ha ha - after he left and I was £800 per month better off (800 fking pounds) I did wonder if he was maintaining a mistress somewhere!

bonym · 14/09/2005 23:10

Things hadn't been great for a while (on a number of fronts) and we'd discussed splitting up on several occasions, but the breaking point was one morning when dd1 was 16 months old, the tv was on and he made a comment about one of the presenters (something along the lines of "phwoar I'd give her one"). This after he'd shown no interest in me physically since I'd become pregnant, and I thought - that's it, I'm not spending the rest of my life with someone who makes no secret of fancying other women but isn't interested in me. I moved out the following week.

cinderelly · 14/09/2005 23:28

well if he was, it wasnt me, I was lucky if he bought me a bag a crisp

ninah · 15/09/2005 10:40

not married, but being called a c**t in front of ds, twice

Bugsy2 · 15/09/2005 10:52

After giving him an entire year to give up his affair and prove to me that he wanted to make our marriage work & he just couldn't do it.
Divorce is no fun though CeeTee, give it everything you've got to make it work. Hope it does.

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