AIBU to take a back step with managing our finances?

[Desperatelyseekinginspiration]

I used to be in charge of managing the finances. Then DH started doing some extra work to save up to buy a bike. Any extra would go towards our bills, big items needed in the house!

At first he wouldn't tell me how much was coming in. He was worried I'd go out and spend it all (not angry as he had some justification for thinking this).

Anyway, now he manages it all and I know how much came in from his extra work last year.

But I do worry that we are buying stuff (new furniture) and I don't get involved much in how we are going to pay for it. I just accept that if he says we can afford it, we can.

Now I trust my DH, he hasn't got a dishonest bone in his body, but I sometimes worry that he may make an error in judgement.

Am I daft to leave it all to him.

Yes of course you are

Nonsense for women to abdicate financial responsibility

nope, i've done it.

had enough of it all, handed over control to dh, he is gasping at the cost of uniform and school shoes

You need to be keeping track of things yourself as well - I think it's too big a responsibility for one person, however sensible and trustworthy he/she might be. You're a partnership, and if things do go tits up you share the fallout and the responsibility.

oh i keep track. but dh has the reins.

My first reaction was that it's fine for one spouse to do this, just as any of the myriad tasks of running a household can be divided up according to who has the time/inclination/ability to do them.

But thinking about it, money is a bit different, as it underpins everything else. What concerns me about the OP is that you say aspects of spending worry you. That is not good.

Either your DH is right about affordability, or the family finances are heading in a dircetion in which you are not happy. It sounds to me like more transparency is needed. He could still "run" the finances if that is what you both wish, but you need to see more of the budget. Not least so you can both make informed choices about what resources you have, so you can both plan what your family life will look like.

Personally I wouldn't let another person take responsibility for my financial matters unless I was gaga. I think adults take adult responsibilities including running their finances. However, from what you say about him not telling you how much he was earning and implying that you would 'spend it all' I think there may be some history here.

Can't imagine living like this. Nothing wrong with one person organising it like any other household task but certainly not as Quattrocento says okay to abdicate financial responsibility and not have a clue about incomings/outgoings etc.

Depends how much you trust him. And not just in terms of trustworthy/untrustworthy but in terms of competent/incompetent.

DP trusts me to decide how much money needs to go into the 'house account' every month, and to say if it needs extra or if we have spare and can buy some nice whiskey. But he knows I am very careful with money an we have similar attitudes to debt, savings, and expenditure (part of why I am with him is that we agree on these matters, my parents are far less compatible in the area of money and I would hate to live like that).

Interesting metaphor from misdee

'oh I keep track but dh has the reins'

Let's pursue this one. What it is saying is that you, as the woman in the relationship, have the status of a dumb animal, while your dh, by extension, has the responsibility of direction and control.

How on earth can this make any sense? Okay you might be happy being subservient, but surely to goodness women should have more sense? In this age of nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce?

Blimey.

tbh, i dont reallyt care.

i have been stressed for years abouty it all, dh wants to take it over, isaid fine. we are working on cleaaring as many bills as possible in the next year together, so by then i can just worry more abouts what coming in iyswim.

i have been stressed to high heaven, and maybe its time for dh to enjoy the stress for a while.

it works for us. and i feel a lot better aboutit,

I've taken back the household expenses. I think it makes sense since I do all the food and clothes shopping. TBH it was almost as if no one was managing this.

He'll keep his extra income for paying for the big and unexpected things. I asked him yesterday to talk me through what we are currently buying (furniture) and he seems to have a handle on it. He's got a scrap of paper with it all on (typical man I now have a spreadsheet ).

I'm not sure I agree with some of the views expressed about Women being subservient just because they take a back seat when it comes to finances. Surely in some cases one person may be better at doing it than the other. However I do agree that I need to get more involved in knowing what our budget is, especially as I still spend.

I think I might've upset you Misdee, and I came back to apologise and also to explain partly why I do think it is important (particularly for women) to keep a real handle on what is going on financially.

My SIL is a clever competent woman, but being busy and also being subject to stress, she gave up managing the finances and left it to her husband. She stuck her head in the sand about the warning signals, including savings disappearing and remortgaging the house. All of which were necessary to finance her DH's business, about which she also chose to remain ignorant.

She only really woke up when one day he was declared bankrupt and she discovered that her years of hard work had already gone to pay his creditors. She had to start all over again penniless in her forties. Not good.

Agree with quattrocento & rainbowinthesky, not a good idea to abdicate financial responsibility.

If your DH / partner dropped dead this afternoon, are you clear about your financial arrangements? Can you pay all the bills? Do you even know what bills you need to pay?

What about your own financial future? How much pension should you receive based on your current contributions and how will you pay for your children to go to HE? In the past many women didn't have financial rights, I think we need to be careful before we give them up.

Those of you who say it's foolish to let DH be in charge of money matters, would you say the same thing if it were the wife who organised everything (perhaps she is a SAHM and deals with all the bills because she can call during working hours) and the husband just knew that everything got paid and there was food on the table and money in the bank if he wanted to buy things?

Quattro your SIL is an unfortunate example, but if you andyour partner have the same attitudes to money and you trust them to not do anything stupid then I still think it's fine for one partner to take a back seat.

i think it is mad for anyone to give someone else complete charge of finances. male or female. Exp used to 'leave it up to' me to do all this and i got terribly frustrated. what if i had made a decision only for him to decide in a few months time that it was important enough for me to consult him on it? i didn't like it at all. for me the best way is for both of you to take responsibility and set aside an evening a month to go through everything and agree on where and what everything is going on.

There's a difference between day-to-day management and strategic management surely? When I was a SAHM I did the day-to-day accounting if you like, but the strategic management was done by both of us. It was actually a lot easier than now, where the day-to-day accounting seems to have gone by the wayside. Need to get organised on that one...

Well, we have always maintained our own accounts so we just have to decide who pays for what and set up a standing order. Only need to review things when something significant happens like one of us gets a pay rise or we have a new expenditure.

Few times a year we update each other regarding our savings / investments / pension. That's it - it's not difficult.

Agree with Madonna about the difference between day-to-day & strategic management and if I were a SAHM (or SAHD) and we operated a joint account I could see the advantage from a practical point of view of running the day to day stuff.