About to give birth and found out that DP has been 'stealing' my painkillers...

[leavinglasvegas]

Am just feeling incredibly let down and worried at present.

Potted history- am currently 39 weeks pregnant, terrified about giving birth to DC2 (can't say I had a 'traumatic' birth with DC1 but am just very afraid of the pain which was unbearable last time). Also live about 45 mins to hospital and am relying on DP to get me there safely.

When I was 3 month pregnantish I needed some very strong painkillers (codeine) for a flare up of a medical condition, luckily I only had to take a few but for some reason the GP gave me a Prescription for about 150, these have been put in a safe place in our home away from DC1. Dpknows they are addicitve as I've said a number of times 'dont take those for x y or z as they are too strong etc'.

Well last week I found one randomly on the lounge carpet where DC1 was playing. DP eventually admitted he had taken a few of the pills for 'pain' but could not account for how a tablet had come to be on the floor.

Last night I 'caught' him rustling around in the kitvhen and thought i saw him put something in one of the cupboards- had a quick look but couldnt see what.

This a.m I found him frantically searching in the cupboard- I asked him what he was up to and at first he lied and said he had put some of his own medication in there (although there would be no sensible reason for him to do this) he then accused me of 'taking' it out of the cupboard to 'punish' him. By this point I was very upset as was worried he had dropped or misplaced the medication, which he wouldnt admit to what it was, and would potentially be found by DC1.

He then popped out and whilst he was gone I checked the codeine tablets- to my horror he has finished off nearly all of them, nearly 150 tablets. I am not sure when he started taking them so cannot be certain of how many he has been taking a day.

Recently he has also been drinking a bottle of wine every night and basically by 8/8.30 every night he is in a deep sleep on the sofa, extremely difficult to wake up etc, so in terms of adult company I am on my own every evening. he has been saying its becaise he is so tired from work etc etc but it is clear to me know that it has been the combination of alcohol and medication. I am feeling really angry now and let down.

He has admitted to taking the pills now although still doesnt 'get' why I'm so upset as he says I wasn't going to need the pills (true but thats not the point). He says he has been taking them as he finds life 'hard', work v stressful etc etc.

Not sure what I want/need people to say really, maybe just some different perspectives on this behaviour and for me to know I am not 'unreasonable' for thinking it is not 'ok' for him to be doing this.

leavinglasvegas - I don't have this out of proportion or anything, I understand that the codeine problem is bigger, but giving birth is a thing that shouldn't be mucked up by outside influences. You haven't necessarily left it too late for a doula - ring round a couple and ask them if they know anyone who's available - IME they tend to communicate with each other quite a bit and don't see it as encouraging competition, they're happier to see someone get support who needs it (and you do, both of you).
Doulas do take on people at lower rates sometimes, and the experienced ones also tend to be overseeing trainee doulas' professional development, so should be able to find you a cheaper trainee (trainees give it their all, they're not second rate).
HTH a bit but do ignore if it's too irrelevant. x

You might find this useful.addiction facts

Have a chat with your GP - don't be ashamed of your DP's addiction, you and your family need help also so ring narcs anon and look for family support.

Tell your local pharmacist as your DP will need to come off these drugs in a controlled programme. Enlist the help of professionals - GP counsellor and pharmacist.

Kick him out if he's still using.
He absolutely must have therapy - insist on it.
Sorry for you.

It sounds like he has a very serious drug problem.

He is not safe to be around your child and you can't rely on him as a birth partner, or to get you to the hospital.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this now when even simple things seem impossible, but deal with it you must.

Who can you call to come and help you?

I think he needs to leave while he gets help. He is out of control, although the nature of the drugs are masking that slightly.

This is really shit. I'm so sorry :(

IMO, based on the consumption of 150 codeine tablets, he doesn't need any kind of therapy/help with withdrawal, because there won't be any.

My DW took hundreds of these - probably 500 over a few months after major spinal surgery. She had no ill effects after she stopped taking them.

He sounds like someone with an addictive personality (very much like myself) - if there's something knocking about to go with that wine... his brain says "why not?". It's very easy to do.

He does, however, need to address the secrecy and deceit, and you need to ensure he will be the husband that you need to be there for you during the birth of your child and all that follows. Talk to him, but try not to concentrate it entirely on the codeine issue; rather explain that this is the tipping point and proves he's not the man you need to be there for you and your future DC.

I dont want you to think im being to laid back,I certainly dont want flaming...

but

Hes taken meds that werent his that were on prescription for you ,fortunately these werent meds you needed any longer,hes taken them for whatever reason,it could be stress with relation to finances the worry of another child or yes even maybe he had a shit childhood and hes scared of parenting?

Either way the meds are gone.
He is still your Ds
you are still pregnant

You need to move forward,without the tabs and if you can insist he stops drinking in the evening you can spend some last quality baby free days together,you need to go to your gp explain what has happened - maybe your dh did have pain initially? either way He needs support to deal with his feelings and you need support to help him.

Its v early days its not like hes a rampant junkie - hes found a coping mechanism that needs to stop- it can be done and you will survive this.

Wow, there is some incredibly poor advice on this thread.

Sorry OP but this is a serious problem, you know it is. Please don't think the easy availability of Codeine makes it less so.

If your DP was smoking pot (a far less addictive drug) every evening until he passed out, was stealing from you to secure his supply, was lying about his habit, was aggressive, defensive and paranoid and had left drugs around that your child could easily have consumed people would be telling you to leave him.

Abusing prescription drugs isn't somehow better than abusing illegal ones. You'd have less if a problem with a man indulging in too many joints than you do with one who has stolen your Codeine.

Please see this for what it is. Explaining it away as the "coping mechanism" of someone with an "addictive personality" is foolish. Someone who needs addictive drugs to cope is not someone you can rely on, and not someone you can trust on their own with children.

Please get help from someone other than him. You need it.

God, I wouldn´t want him near me or my child(ren).

Not only is he addicted, he´s paranoid with it!

Poor you, you are just a week away from delivering your second baby and really don't need this emotional stress and the uncertainty and anxiety. FGS, tell him to grow up and seek help, you are not his mother and the world doesn't revolve around him, troubled childhood or not.

I would also urge you to speak to your GP and ask him for advice. Take this serious. As others have said: an 'addictive' personality doesn't make for a stable Dad/husband.

Skidoodly is exactly right. He's taking antidepressants and drinking a bottle of wine a night and stealing your codeine tablets. He's in massive denial.

And I don't understand this: I wonder if he has been 'ramping up' the codeine intake over the last few weeks as he has not been 'allowed' to drink due to needing to be able to get me to hospital. if he's drinking a bottle of wine a night?

Your immediate problem is that you will need someone completely reliable there for you and for your DC when it's time to deliver your baby. Your H is not that person. Take him out of the equation completely.

Look after yourself and make sure you are ok for getting to the hospital and for someone to be there during the birth, and arrange for someone to take care of the DC while you're away. Not the H. There is absolutely no way you should go anywhere in a car with this man. He may not have access to your codeine now, but you may be certain he will find his fix somewhere. He will not go without unless he can go through a rehab programme and get sober. Right now he is not sober or reliable.

He is addicted to painkillers and alcohol, and has stopped thinking of anything else except painkillers and alcohol. He cannot be relied upon at all.

Time enough to deal with all of that when the baby is born though. A call to the doctor who prescribed the anti-depressants for him will be necessary.

For now, your safety and your DC's safety are the important things.

Super advice there from mathanx

op, are you ok?

second skidoodle and math. people tend to wave off prescription or otc drug abuse because sometimes doctors advise to take them but it is still abuse the way he took them from you. codein is highly addictive and in combination with alc obviously abuse.

That pill could have very well been taken by your little ones. He is not well enough to be around the kids at the moment. Please make sure you have trustworthy help in your home when labour starts. Also try and find an additional birth partner to rely on to drive you to hospital, etc. Pls pls speak to your GP and maybe close family like Mum, etc. YOU and your new baby need support.

On a bottle of wine a day he has an alcohol addiction as well as being a drug abuser.

His depression will not improve whilst he is drinking as large amounts of alcohol counteract the effects of antidepressants as alcohol is a depressant.

He needs to accept his substance dependance and get help for it.

Stress isn't an excuse for alcohol and drug abuse, but most addicts won't admit they have an addiction problem and blame something external for their addiction/ substance misuse rather than accepting the problem is with them.

The way he's behaving isn't OK.

Leavinglasvegas, even when the time comes to tackle the problem, it's not your problem to tackle. You must attend to yourself, rely upon yourself and your circle of support, and take responsibility for the welfare of yourself and your DCs, alone unfortunately. Curing his addiction is not your project.

Nobody but the addict can decide to get sober. Nobody can make him commit to that. It has to come from within himself. He will need to realise that the addicted life has become a blind alley before he can get his act together. You need to alert his doctor, but after that the motivation to change has to come from him. He has to take responsibility for his problem.

How are you today? Have you managed to get any RL help lined up?